Today I’m going to run 12 miles.
This time last year I was barely running 2 miles and I have the old posts to prove it.
Thank your body for all the hard work it does.
It loves you.
And so do I.
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(I wrote this March 16th 2010)
I think I found my first 5k.
But just writing the title is freaking me out.
I need to figure out why I’m so scared to register.
No let me rephrase that, I need to figure out why I’m so afraid to fail.
I’ve only looked at the web page for the run and already I’m ready to be in tears.
— Even just now I had to get up from the computer and walk around my office just because I was getting all angst. —
I need to relax.
Here are the reasons I picked this particular 5k:
- June 12 is just a little under 3 months away. I will finish the c25k by the end of this month. I will be at the 30 minute mark and thus giving myself 2 1/2 months to improve improve improve.
- It’s very close to my home. Once I reach the 30 minute mark I can use the 5k path as a bench mark to see how I’m progressing. This will also give me plenty of time to get used to the course so that I will know full in advance what to expect.
- It’s in one of my all time favorite places in Tacoma. A big park…hello!
- There is a planned Diaper Dash (20 yards for little ones 3 and under)…okay who couldn’t resist seeing little baby legs dashing around in diapers?
- 2 months from now will give me a lot of time to really focus on building stamina and continue to lose weight. If I continue on this track I should be down at least another 15 pounds before the race…pretty damn close to 220. By registering now this will give me 3 months of something to look forward too, and keep my determination up (thanks SRG).
- It’s a big race so the likelihood that there will be other noob runners is pretty high.
- There is also a 12k race so all the big boys/girls will be over there and not over here where I am (crossing fingers).
I need to do something that scares me today and this is definitely something that frightens the bejeebees out of me.
I am afraid of failing. By not signing up I ensure myself that I can never face that fear. I want to do it. I want to give myself the opportunity to experience whatever is supposed to happen. I want to work towards something and know I don’t have to be the best out of everyone.
Long story short – my mother did a very bad thing as a parental figure. Now before I continue let me also state that I’m sure she did the best she could with the tools that were provided to her (not many that’s for sure). She died many years ago so I can’t go back and ask why she said the things she said. I just have to trust that she thought she was making good choices/decisions when raising me and my 3 older brothers. As a child she would berate me to never become like my brothers. In her eyes they all failed her…
The truth is she failed us.
And in that failure she convinced me that if I wasn’t the best at absolutely everything, I was destined to become what she couldn’t handle: Another horrible child.
I never did what I wanted as a child. I wanted to play sports, I wanted to sing in choir, I wanted to join the swim team, I wanted to join theater. So many things I wanted to do but never ventured out because I was afraid to fail.
I have carried around that fear with me like a backpack full of rocks. Every time I want to try something, I mentally put a boulder in that backpack making it too heavy to carry.
Today, I’m going to take out a boulder…
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I DID IT!
I have officially entered my first 5k!
I need a nap now.
(in case you’re wondering – it took me 3 hours to write this post)
When starting this, we all hope for progress. You Tara are the epitome of progress. Over the past year you have shown all of us that it can be done. With hard work, determination and letting go of fears, it CAN be done.
Thank you Tara!
Yes.. thank you Tara! Your hard work, your honesty, your LCJ are TRUE inspiration!
I was proud of you then and I’m proud of you now.
Ditto – what Sharla said. Man, I remember that like it was yesterday.
I’m running my first 5K route/race again this year. Totally feeling the same way you are – grateful, amazed, reflective. xo
WOOHOOOOO!!! So happy for you!!! This is awesome 😀
This is why I do NLP! Our minds, and our old conditioning, can really do a number on us! You’re running 12 miles already, yet your mind is telling you that you could fail at a 5K. Most people who do their first 5K walk most of it. Last time I did a 5K I was happy to finish in under an hour.
I’m so glad you entered, Tara! You’ll be fine! And in the process you’re going to silence some old voices.
What an analogy Tara (a backpack full of rocks); except that mine is a fanny pack and I carry it all in the front! I wish I knew how to take a boulder out, or rather, that more of them would come out at a time instead of just one……… One day I hope to catch up to your progress!! As always, thanks for posting!
But here’s the great thing: you don’t need to remove more than one at a time. This is a lifetime journey. There is plenty of time as long as you are trying to continually (and proverbially) lighten the load. More importantly, never refilling once you move forward!
Tonight I am supposed to go sign up for a beginners running group & my first 5K. I am terrified. Understatement. I am nauseous. The info online says it’s for beginners & not to be intimidated if you’re a new runner and blah blah blah but that doesn’t make me feel more comfortable. No where on the web site does it say fat people shouldn’t be intimidated. As the hours have passed today my brain has instinctively started fabricating viable reasons why I can’t go tonight (much like it does everytime I am encountered with a social situation where I feel people, such as myself, do not belong) … my 4 yr old is sick, I can’t afford the shoes I really want, my running schedule might interfere with my school schedule, it’s cold outside, etc. But there is really only one reason I don’t want to go. I’m scared.
I have carried that fear around with me like a backpack full of rocks.
You just described my whole existence in one sentence. (tears) I’m going tonight no matter what. Thank you.
PS: My husband is a Seattle boy forever, trapped in New England. He cheers every time you come across my Twitter feed. That’s how I started reading your blog. He has also informed me that you kick ass because you’re from Tacoma. (smiles) I have to agree.
If you get scared or intimidated even for one second you close your eyes and think the following: if Tara were here she’d be honored to run next to me.
Remember what this feels like (the fear and uncertainty). Everyone in your group has felt the same way at one point. Someday you’re going to meet a newbie runner and you’ll say to them “come on, let’s run!”