Words…

I’ve seen a lot of posts lately about the “Word of the Year”. Picking a word for 2012 to signify what kind of year it will be. I was intrigued enough that it got my own brain working on a word…

I’ve spent quite some time thinking about a word but I couldn’t get past the idea of not knowing what kind of year it was going to be. At the onset of 2011 if I would have taken a few moments to focus on a word I think it would have had something to do with running. Or maybe a word about knocking down walls. Or maybe a word on believing in myself. Now that I’m at the end of 2011 and looking back the word I would give it is CHANGE. 2011 was so full of unforeseen changse that just thinking about has my head spinning.

It’s no wonder with all the changes that have taken place over the very short twelve months that everything just sort of came crashing down during December and my transition to moving to Halifax. I’ve been very quiet as of late because everything got so emotionally jumbled up, I didn’t know how to begin talking about it.

Then I had a break down last Sunday.

It wasn’t pretty.

But then they never are.

Outside in the cold, walking. Stopping at a bridge and watching the river flow by. Tears streaming down my face. And finally admitting that I wasn’t happy. That the homesickness had taken a toll on my emotional state. That missing the littlest things of comfort was causing me so much angst that I couldn’t sleep at night. That I felt like every smile was forced and the answer to “is everything okay” when asked was a lie. I felt bad for missing my hometown. I felt bad for missing little things like going to Tacoma Boys for veggies or to Fred Meyer to see if they had any Fage yogurt on sale. I felt bad for missing my parking spot on the college campus. I felt bad for missing Pho on 38th. I felt bad for missing everything about my hometown and that feeling bad snowballed into something else.

It snowballed into confusion.

Had I made the right changes?

Am I where I am supposed to be?

Funny thing about not holding emotions in and taking a huge leap when sharing is that what was once a feeling of a huge burden deflates almost immediately when you let it go. As soon as I admitted I was homesick and that it was causing me to be confused inside the confusion stopped. As soon as I admitted I was homesick and that it was causing me to question my decisions, the questioning stopped. As soon as I admitted I was homesick and that it had pulled me into a bout of depression I didn’t know how to handle, the depression subsided.

Letting go of the emotions that were bringing me down

made room for the emotions that lift me up.

So often we think that what we are feeling is not important. That what we are feeling is wrong when they comes with words like “sad” “confused” “angry” attached. We hold them in and let them build up steam like a tea kettle on a hot stove. Ignoring what’s really going on in hopes that it will pass. Refusing to acknowledge emotions inside for fear of hurting those outside. I still miss my hometown. I still miss the routine of standing in my kitchen and taking my vitamins in a particular order. I still miss getting up in the morning and seeing Meegan staring at me from 4000 miles away on the computer screen. I still miss going to my P.O. box on my way to work and wondering if there will be any mail. But I don’t question where I am or the changes that have happened over the last year…

I am right where I am supposed to be.

I am doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.

Instead of questioning.

I am accepting.

That’s my word for 2012: ACCEPT. Life has a path and while I think I know where that path leads I really don’t. I know that the changes and decisions in my life will always be made with careful thoughts and as I implement those changes and decisions I’m not out to hurt anyone. I accept that there will be challenges in life. Be they physically related or emotionally related there will be challenges and I accept that some days it will be easy to get through. I accept that some days I won’t know how to step up to a challenge and face it head on. I accept that some days I will wake up and feel like I am on top of the world and some days I will feel like the heel of the shoe that stepped in a huge pile of dog shit. I accept that some changes will come with a resounding “hell yes” and some will come with a tear streaked face of confusion. I accept that this life changing journey is hard because I am doing something that most people won’t do:

Take control.

I have no idea where 2012 is taking me. Christ I don’t even know where the month of January or even this week is taking me. I’ve started something big that I’m too afraid to talk about openly. I’m trying to figure out how to make money in a country I can’t legally work in. I’m preparing to earn my first 26.2 with hopes of other races to follow (as soon as I figure out how to pay for the registrations). I’m trying to stay in the moment every second of every day and not go back to what once was or what should be. Everyday I wake up and have to remind myself that I am not where I was…

But that I am where I am supposed to be.

Physically.

Emotionally.

I accept.