But just writing the title is freaking me out.
I need to figure out why I’m so scared to register.
No let me rephrase that, I need to figure out why I’m so afraid to fail.
I’ve only looked at the web page for the run and already I’m ready to be in tears.
— Even just now I had to get up from the computer and walk around my office just because I was getting all angst. —
I need to relax.
Here are the reasons I picked this particular 5k:
- June 12 is just a little under 3 months away. I will finish the c25k by the end of this month. I will be at the 30 minute mark and thus giving myself 2 1/2 months to improve improve improve.
- It’s very close to my home. Once I reach the 30 minute mark I can use the 5k path as a bench mark to see how I’m progressing. This will also give me plenty of time to get used to the course so that I will know full in advance what to expect.
- It’s in one of my all time favorite places in Tacoma. A big park…hello!
- There is a planned Diaper Dash (20 yards for little ones 3 and under)…okay who couldn’t resist seeing little baby legs dashing around in diapers?
- 2 months from now will give me a lot of time to really focus on building stamina and continue to lose weight. If I continue on this track I should be down at least another 15 pounds before the race…pretty damn close to 220. By registering now this will give me 3 months of something to look forward too, and keep my determination up (thanks SRG).
- It’s a big race so the likelihood that there will be other noob runners is pretty high.
- There is also a 12k race so all the big boys/girls will be over there and not over here where I am (crossing fingers).
I need to do something that scares me today and this is definitely something that frightens the bejeebees out of me.
I am afraid of failing. By not signing up I ensure myself that I can never face that fear. I want to do it. I want to give myself the opportunity to experience whatever is supposed to happen. I want to work towards something and know I don’t have to be the best out of everyone.
Long story short – my mother did a very bad thing as a parental figure. Now before I continue let me also state that I’m sure she did the best she could with the tools that were provided to her (not many that’s for sure). She died many years ago so I can’t go back and ask why she said the things she said. I just have to trust that she thought she was making good choices/decisions when raising me and my 3 older brothers. As a child she would berate me to never become like my brothers. In her eyes they all failed her…
The truth is she failed us.
And in that failure she convinced me that if I wasn’t the best at absolutely everything, I was destined to become what she couldn’t handle: Another horrible child.
I never did what I wanted as a child. I wanted to play sports, I wanted to sing in choir, I wanted to join the swim team, I wanted to join theater. So many things I wanted to do but never ventured out because I was afraid to fail.
I have carried around that fear with me like a backpack full of rocks. Every time I want to try something, I mentally put a boulder in that backpack making it too heavy to carry.
Today, I’m going to take out a boulder…
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I DID IT!
I have officially entered my first 5k!
I need a nap now.
(in case you’re wondering – it took me 3 hours to write this post)
AWESOME! Good job Tara..you truly are an inspiration and your drive pushes me to do more. You’re right about the accountability…putting it in writing seems to have some power to it. YOU have the power and the determination and I’m proud of you. Thanks for being YOU. GO TARA! WOO HOO
Kelly we’re gonna move this fat right off our asses, one step at a time! Now I’m gonna ask you every time I see if you took the stairs! Today was the first day of your c25k but not the last!!!
Yahooooo! Congratulations, Tara. This is a HUGE accomplishment for you and I *so* know how scary it can be to face a fear like this. You’ve succeeded simply by signing up! All the rest – finishing, finishing without walking, whatev – it’s gravy, girlfriend. I’m super excited for you, and totally agree that Pt. Defiance is a BEAUTIFUL place for a 5K.
Thanks Valerie! It was so scary just to fill out the info…I cried, I got up from my computer, I drank some water. It seems so silly that it would cause such an emotional upheaval. Good thing I have therapy tomorrow.
Wow, this ROCKS! Congratulations on taking such a big step. I’ll bet it’s liberating, huh? Way to go girl!!! Thanks for finding me via Tyler’s blog – I’ve bookmarked you now and look forward to following your journey as well.
Thanks Josie!!!
It’s scary to transform yourself and to challenge ideas/beliefs that shaped who you were used to be, no matter what. I’m so excited for you! It sounds like a perfect set-up. Knowing the course is always a bonus.
More scary than I could ever imagine…I’m excited to move from the c25k and start working up to doing the course.
I had a panic attack when I signed up for the First Run 5k. There was no reason for me to panic, but for some reason that first 5k is scary. Good for you for facing that fear!
Thanks Merry! Well at least I know that I’m not the only one that got a little freaked out when signing up. You’re a pro at this now so I know I have that to look forward to as well!!!
Good for you for facing the fear and signing up! I think you’re going to find that there will be lots of people who are slower than you and lots of people who are faster than you. Which is perfect for your first running 5K.
Good point Bella! I may come in last but at least I’m gonna cross that finish line.
Congrats on registering! I have absolutely no doubt you can do it and love it! I can’t wait to see the photo of you smiling at the finish line! So exciting!
I’m attempting my first 5K on April 11th and I have no way near the running under my belt you have already. Amazing you are!
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