I’m not even sure how to begin this entry this morning.
Honestly I guess.
Last night I made myself sick.
Not on accident.
On purpose.
There is nothing like writing a entry and crying your eyes out at the same time while trying to keep your emotions in check so that you can keep a clear head about what is going on emotionally. I almost didn’t want to write this entry this morning. I thought if I just let it go then no one will be the wiser. What’s the point of that? Isn’t this journey about being accountable for all actions? It’s about recoginzing old behaviors and while we often stumble down the same path wondering “why did I do that”, we’re constantly looking for a new path in which to travel in hopes of finding a new destination.
I wanted to write about it last night. I waited because I didn’t want it to be a “beat the hell out of Tara” session. I’m still trying not to get all freaked out and throw myself down into some pit of self loathing that can take days/weeks to recover. I’m just going to sit in front of this computer and work it out to the best of my ability. I’m not posting this entry on FB or Twitter because this is more about me and not about sharing with the world one of the hardest things I have to think about.
Best to start at the beginning.
I’ve been feeling a little more than anxious since arriving to Cincinnati. I probably thought too much about the “what if’s” before coming and not enough about the “so what’s”. In hind sight everything has been great. I’ve been working out an hour a day, my calories have been spot on, I’ve eaten food that, while it might not be the best thing out there, it was pretty damn tasty in my mouth and it was only something I could get while here. Sunday was no different. I knew about our day’s plan. I knew we were going to Olive Garden after the graduation ceremony. I planned accordingly. I checked the menu. I checked the nutritional value on every item. I picked what I was going to eat. I knew there would be a dessert waiting for us once we got home. I pre-calculated that into my calories as close as possible. I swayed just a tiny bit while eating out. I ordered what I planned. I did not eat any of the appetizers. I did eat more bread and salad than originally alotted. No big deal. The meal was great. We get home and it’s time for dessert.
It’s downhill from there.
Here’s the strange part. I had alotted this into my calorie count. I wasn’t over. I ate the one piece. In fact I didn’t even eat the entire piece. Three quarters of the way through, something in my mind sent me into a panic. I can’t explain it. I don’t even know what I was thinking. I toss the rest of the cake and before you can even shake a finger at me and say “don’t you do it”…I’m in the bathroom. I’m looking at myself in the mirror. I’m having a battle inside my head but I don’t know what’s being said. I know there was some sort of weighing of the options. I should have just allowed myself to sit with the notion of eating something and feeling uncomfortable. I know I said those things in my head:
“It’s okay, you’re still in your calorie count”
“What you feel at this moment, is not what you’re going to feel later”
“Tara, go for a walk instead”
“Seriously, it’s going to be okay”
The next thing I know, I’m making myself sick. I haven’t had an urge this strong since way before Decemeber. Maybe even since the Summer. I wish I could say I knew why I did it. I don’t. I know I didn’t like the way my body felt after consuming the food and so much water and then the dessert just sort of tipped me over. I didn’t gorge myself. I don’t know if the amount of sugar consumed in a short amount of time made me a little crazy. I think it’s a combination of many things. Eating out. My heart rate monitor giving me lower kcal burns than I had anticipated. Not having a gym to access for the last 4 days. Being away from home. Not having a routine. I don’t really feel in control of my surroundings.
Turning to a bulemic episode brought me some control.
So here I am today. Trying my best to look forward and know that the choices I made last night, while not the best by any means were just that: Choices. I let panic and uncomfortableness take over and choose the path last night instead of rational thinking. I let old behaviors dictate my decisions even though I set a plan in action and was right on that plan 99% of the time. This morning I realize that I’m just not ready to spend long periods of time out of my comfort zone, even when that time has all the tools I need to make good/sound choices.
I am ready to go home.
I have one more day here. I’m overly sensitive to my surroundings. It’s time to slow down and just take in what I know to be true. I made myself sick yesterday. I will not do that today. I will not do that tomorrow. I will consume the food I have left and make only sound choices to what I put in my mouth. I will spend an hour breaking a sweat, I will get enough sleep tonight. I will go home and I will set myself back into a routine. I will talk about this in therapy even if it pains me. I will remind myself I am moving down the right path even if I feel like I just ran myself off the road.
All paths lead back to the road to success.
One step at a time.
I havent spent much time talking about this on my site, but I’ve struggled with bulemia for over a decade. Its this constant struggle to not perge if I’ve eaten something that I know wasnt great, I’ve gotten better about the binging, I fight on a weekly basis with the purging though. I havent done it in months, but I so know where you are coming from. You’ve focused so much on making specifically healthy choices that one small thing (even if planned) feels like a loss of control.
I think its fantastic that you wrote about this. Just know you arent alone 🙂
Tara,
I understand it, too. It’s okay. It’s something you had to do and now it’s done. Feel better today and make good choices. Take a walk or run to help clear your head. Then when you get back home, buckle down and kick some ass!
Oh Tara,
Don’t beat yourself up. The best thing to take from this is that you held yourself accountable. What are your next steps? Are you planning to talk to your husband or other family members about it? I don’t know enough about you to know if this is something that was a pattern for you but if it was it is essential that you address it immediately. Control (or lack thereof) is a big thing for me and I know how hard it is to let it go or realize that you can’t control everything. It’s truly a struggle but mine does not manifest itself in the same way. The only way to deal with it is head on. You will be ok. Thank you for sharing. I know that your experience will touch someone today.
You took the first step. You made it real. You recognized your triggers and you are going to take measures to prevent it from happening again during the last leg of your trip. What may seem like a set-back at first is usually a step in the right direction. Especially if we’re talking about my friend Tara. <3
Tara, You are amazing. you recognized what happened, and you are taking steps to make sure it doesnt happen again. Thank you for sharing your life. I know it is difficult. Thanks friend.
Hey Tara, you have realised it and that’s what matter… How many people on this world can bare themselves like you? Anyway, I am so happy I stumbled on your blog. I am also trying to lose a lot of pounds http://longweight.wordpress.com/
How can I join this weight losing community you all have got here… Please advise!
Thanks
Tara, darling. You are brave and wonderful. Beautiful and wise. You know that it was completely done to regain control when your mind went into overdrive about losing it. Sometimes there are slips, but you have handled it with grace and dignity.
Be proud, and hold your head high. You are a champion.
Tara, I am sending you hugs, friend. I think the most important thing I took away from this post is that you brought it into the light. Most of the abusive patterns/behaviors we all fall into are made MORE powerful by the fact that we feel ashamed and therefore keep them a secret. We make them LESS powerful, and see them for what they are (compulsions, bad choices, and patterns we can unlearn) when we talk about them out loud.
I’m sorry you struggled last night. I know you are strong and wise and healthy and you will figure out, through therapy, working out, and just your own life process, how to stay committed to your health and well-being and how to avoid purging in the future.
Oh, and WTG on NOT making this about self-loathing, etc. Because, really, what did that ever help?
Hugs to you. I’m sorry you had a bad day. You know the best thing? Yesterday is over. Don’t beat yourself up over it. 🙂
I’d throw my arms around you right now if I could. It’s not about what you do when the panic is at full force. It’s how you handle it afterward. You are strong and you have a whole bunch of us that are here for you no matter what. Your transparency with us is a strength, even when it’s about a low moment. Do something today not related to food/exercise that makes you feel good.
I feel ya tara, I cannot be out of my comfort zone for too long. I have a routine down and I hate breaking it. I feel guilty when I eat something “bad”. For instance, I had ice cream for the first time in a long time on saturday. I literally felt guilty and I thought about how much time it would take to work it off. It’s weird how working out, losing weight, eating right affects your thought process after months and months of repetition. But you know what, you still should not force yourself to be sick. You have to enjoy some things in life, if you gain a pound or two- you can always lose it. It’s a good post and I’m glad you wrote it. I know how you feel and I am here for you. Your an inspiration and you are one kick ass person.
Brave girl. You have to give yourself breaks on your dieting or you will have struggles keeping your weight loss off. Everyone, and I mean everyone, struggles with some kind of demon. Things that rise up when we least expect it. We Baptist have awesome ways of explaining these things 🙂 The point is if there were no slips, if the path was easy, there would be no metal at the end.
Recognizing what brought you to the point of making that bad choice is a very important step. Being out of our comfort zone and having things thrown at us from all directions makes us crazy and we do crazy things.
The important thing is to move on, consciously make good decisions from here on out and keep going.
((HUGS)) It’s a difficult journey and these..um…setbacks (?) make it harder. But you CAN do this.
I don’t know how to offer consoling or helpful advice because I’ve never struggled with bulimia or anorexia. But I do know what it’s like to feel completely guilty over what you ate.
And I can’t help you learn this lesson. You have to learn for yourself. You have to realize that things are ok. You aren’t going to gain back all the weight from one slice of cake. You aren’t being irresponsible to yourself or to your healthy journey because you went on holiday. You were conscious about the decisions. But even though you did a great job, you still beat yourself up over it. And there’s nothing I can tell you (unfortunately) that will help you not do it. It has to come from within. It’s taken me quite a few trips to Onederland to learn this.
It has to come from accepting the fact that one meal is not going to destroy everything you’ve accomplished. But wrapping your hand around that notion is a difficult one, and I can’t exactly show you how to get to that…balance zen acceptance stage. I just know that it’s necessary for balanced living. You can’t live in your house, avoiding your friends, forever. You can’t control every single portion, every single calorie, for the rest of your life. And if I could, I would find the balance for you, but I can’t. It’s all a mental game though.
Think of it like transferring C25K but to G2GF eating (guilt to guilt-free).
You can always email me if you need to vent. Especially on the not so good days. AND, you can also call me 🙂 Let me know if you need the #. Sometimes just sending out a text can help you back away from that dangerous ledge.
WWOPD. Stay strong, T-bear.
You are brave. And strong. Very strong.
And very smart for sharing this with such complete and total honesty.
Love to you. <3
I don’t have specific advice because I haven’t dealt with that, but I think this post in itself shows a huge step. You are recognizing things and thinking them through and not just allowing them to happen. I think that over time that will be what helps you get past it. That and the fact that you are amazing and strong and can do anything. 🙂
I just found your blog and this is a great post! Well, not so great but you know what I mean. Awesome honesty! I can’t wait to go through your archives and look at the rest of the blog. I’ve had a recipe blog for awhile and just started my weight loss diary blog with the hopes to lose weight. Thanks!!!
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