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I feel like shit today.
I’m feeling sorry for myself. I can’t stop crying. I feel selfish and if I could put myself in a box and shove that box into a cupboard to be long forgotten I would have done it pronto like.
I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m not looking for words of encouragement that it will get better. I’ve been doing this long enough to know that emotions come and go as easily the tides and that this is how I feel right now and probably isn’t going to be how I feel tomorrow.
However…
What I feel right now is intense. Intense enough that I’m writing this post at the same time I’m binging. My food of choice to binge: protein bars. Somehow because they are a “healthy” alternative to what I want to put in my mouth (like the 6lb tub of red vines less than 20 feet from me), binging on them makes it okay…
Nice way to justify it Tara.
I don’t want to put this third protein bar in my mouth. I can feel my wheels spinning. Eat this one then eat another. While you’re at it you can have another one and then fuck it, go work on the licorice. What’s the point? You can’t control the emotions and feeling. You tell everyone to stand firm and just feel the emotions when they come but today you can’t even do something simple like just let the day go. You can’t stay in the moment you are so far ahead of yourself and at the same time stuck in a past that you can neither change nor control that shoving food in your mouth is the only way to comfort what you’re feeling. So go ahead and shove that 3rd protein bar in your mouth then go grab the licorice…
I hate me right now.
And simultaneously:
I love myself.
I wish my arms were long enough to wrap around my body triple time so that I could squeeze hard enough to know I am worth this fight. I wish my words were loud enough to penetrate my heart and believe in this moment I am worth this fight. Right now my arms barely begin to ease the pain as I sit here wondering why of all days I had to go and have a freak out today. My words are loud but they are not filled with love.
And still I know what I’m doing is not appropriate.
Instead of opening up that third protein bar (which may or may not still happen) and eventually taking the slow 20 foot walk to the tub of licorice that right now is the one thing that loves me more than anything, I’m here. The pain isn’t less, but I am distracted. The voices in my head are loud but being here is keeping them at bay. I know tomorrow will feel different than today and even though I don’t feel like I’m worth it, I am.
I will cry.
I will feel sorry for myself.
I will feel frustration and anger.
I will be gentle with my feelings.
I will allow myself to eat this protein bar if I must.
I will not allow myself to eat the licorice.
I recognize that the behavior I am exhibiting could lead to a path of deeper destruction but I refuse to let that happen. I work hard to stay in the moment and this is just one of those times where the emotions are more intense and more hard to reign in….but it doesn’t mean that binging is an option.
It will never be an appropriate option for me.
Ever.
I’m scared about the future. I’m sad about my past. I’m angsty over financials and keeping my head above water. I feel like I should be pushing myself to the brink of exhaustion all the time just to prove to myself that I am working hard to stay ahead of the game (whatever the game is) and truth be told: no matter how hard I work, right now it won’t be enough to make me feel good about who is looking back at me in the mirror.
I just have to trust this process. This process of living and staying in the moment. I have to trust that what I feel now is not what I will feel tomorrow. I have to trust that some days are going to be super shitty and on those days I will be okay even when I think I won’t be…
(right?)
Right!!
I’ve been in that same situation too many times this past couple of weeks. I know things are always better in the morning.
You know how strong you are, I know how strong you are…enough said.
**HUGS**
Prepare to be hugged and reminded that you are worth it.
Unfortunately, I know this feeling all too well. The feeling of my emotions akin over & wanting to drown it in food even though I know all too well that will not take emotions forever. In fact, I am left feeling bloated, disgusted, and mad at myself. I hope you find peace soon.
Your last paragrah just reminded me of something I really needed to hear. In my on situation, I need to trust this process. Thank you.
This gets me far in moments like this….something my Mother used to always say and Kept posted on her Mirror. I’m not sure where it came from but to me it is very powerful…
“You can’t help the way you feel, only the way you think and act.”
To her(and me) this means that you are allowed to feel whatever you need to feel. They are your feelings and you cant help the way you feel. The power you hold however is in how you choose to let your self think (self talk) and act on those feelings. Have your moment Tara, do what you need to do. Only you know what is right for you.
I have been here, I am here on and off all the time lately. It sucks but for me these emotions that bring me here are things I need to work through and I know you can work through whatever is bringing you to this place as well.
right.
Tara, this post is simply breathtaking. And, yes, right, you will be OK. LOVE LOVE LOVE.
Right!!
You’re practicing. You’re feeling your feelings as you’re feeling them. As icky as it feels? This is freaking major progress. I know it doesn’t feel like it…it feels like failure but it is not!! It’s NOT about never again…it’s about catching yourself sooner! And you’re a rock star at doing that! ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
U spoke my own words again…..I feel ya girl
….<>….
right.
You ARE worth this fight!
ABSOLUTELY; you will be fine. Everything will be fine, you’ll see. Ha, now if I could just take my own advice!!! 🙂
Long time reader, first time commenter. I hear you, Tara. I have no words to say, other than you are SO loved and SO worth the fight. You will pick yourself up. Just let time heal some wounds.
love and hate
such a hard thing to master, My binge of choice, believe it or today has been chobani yogurt, one after the other after another while
I cry and hate myself for eating this, i try and also love myself enough to try and be forgiving. but there’s such a blurred line in my opinion over what is healthy to forgive yourself…. when does it become hurtful?
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
once again, when we feel, it shifts…
eventually.
every time.
ooooooooo *those are hugs for you*
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you are fucking amazing.
What an amazing post filled with emotions and compassion.