You know how when you get on a new piece of equipment or enter a work area you see caution signs all over the place? The one’s that tell you to “Wear a hard had” or “Make sure to read all the instructions before use” or the one’s that tell you the obvious things like “Plug in to operate” or “Don’t put hand under blade while in motion”…
I wish this journey would have come with a huge fucking caution sign.
A big blaring yellow one that popped up the moment I decided to make a change in my life. One that would be so big I couldn’t miss it and it wouldn’t go away until I had read every word of it, understood everything it said and then when I gave my nod of understanding it would *poof* be gone and I could do what I came to do.
It wouldn’t just pop up once. It would pop up numerous times in my journey. Hell, maybe even once a week day hour every few minutes. Just something that would give me a warning that what I’m about to attempt may need some extra instructions or for bloody hell Tara, don’t put your hand under the blade while it’s moving.
I feel like this last week or so should have come with a big old fat caution label on it. I don’t necessarily feel like I’m spinning out of control today (like I did last week) but I’m having a difficult time getting off this merry-go-round of confusion, anger, sadness and plain old frustration (at myself). I’m either having some really great days or days so insanely bad, I literally want to punch an old lady in the face (yep, I just said that).
Riddle me this: Why did I go and put on a pair of size 10 pants last night, have them fit, get excited and then feel horrible about that success (or maybe the idea of buying more clothes – anxiety), eat beyond comfort level then top it off by eating a piece of cake (I don’t even like cake!!!). WHERE WAS MY CAUTION SIGN?
Okay, let’s get totally honest here…
I was told that the first few months of maintenance was difficult. I did NOT realize it would be this difficult. It’s like I’ve been given a piece of machinery and the instructions are in French (with no pictures). It took me 11 months to put this machine together and now that I’m trying to use it, it’s awkward, malfunctions and after 3 months of riding it I still don’t know where the brake system is located.
Yet, I keep trying to use the machine. I get up every morning and look at it in the mirror and wonder if today is the day I will fully understand how to get this body/mind to work properly. I wonder if today is the day I can take the “training wheels” off. Make good decision. Be proud of the accomplishments and to stop beating this poor newly acquired body up when something doesn’t go quite right.
So, here’s my gift to you today.
Print it.
Keep it.
You’re going to need it.
Bad choices yesterday.
Do not control what I do today.
Only I control what I do today.
*puts on hardhat*
I’ll be out running if you need me.
I think the best thing to try to do is treat each day as NEW, FRESH day. I do like the hard hat analogy! Cheers, Rick
tara… i can relate to you so much. maintenance is so much harder than losing. for me, it’s harder because there is not a daily “reward” that is tangible… i tend to take for granted where i am and slip into old habits and the cycle ensues. there is no scale to watch move etc.
it has helped me to focus on new goals (ie. running) but with each new accomplishment i almost grieve the “end” …this was what happened after my half marathon. i got really sad that it was done….
you will continue on, the road does not end. you know this. i don’t know what lies ahead, but i do know that neither you nor i will EVER return to where we were no matter how many steps backwards and butt-kicking we have to do/take!
it hurts because it’s hard, it hurts because we WON’T GIVE UP.
I so get this…while im no where near where i need to be to get in the maintance zone where I am at now has often been my comfort zone…the 190’s are familiar, I have camped out here way to many times. Life seems to change lower than that and I feel extra like shit when im over that range. I know its just the outside that is different but I still have to deal with the inside who has used all these layers of protection for far to long. Emotional…you betcha! Scary, yep…which for someone who hasnt been there makes no sense at all why in the world would loosing weight be scary? You Tara have worked so hard, look amazing and I know can do it…you will find that emotional balance you need for where you are at …thanks for the caution sign I may have it tattooed on my forehead in reverse so i can read it daily in the mirror 😉
Yes…I have what it takes…my hard hat is actually softening and my tool bag is slowly filling with new tools. I am under construction, foundation is in place, walls are not up, and I am back to looking at the blueprints, the plans, to see what I might have missed before the construction continues….
You know what? There is no such thing as a step back. It may *feel* that way, but it’s impossible. None of us can go back. I mean sure, we could regain some weight (been there done that and lived to tell the tale) but even that isn’t take a step back.
You are going to be okay…more than okay. You have what it takes: awareness and acceptance!
What a great gift, T, this Caution sign for us all. And it’s true, this journey ain’t no picnic sometimes. I’ve got a post brewing in my head about how it’s almost harder to be healthier, in some ways, than it was to sit on the couch mindlessly eating chocolate at 250+ pounds. You read my mind.
I’m not letting yesterday’s choices define me today.
Miss Tara – thank you for the Caution Sign…Misty might be on to something by having it tattooed. These are things that a daily (or more frequently) reminder could come in handy. The fear and anxiety we experience can feel so big but arming ourselves with the knowledge that it will be there from time to time is important.
The fact that you regularly blog about EVERY aspect of your journey makes the path so much clearer for the rest of us. Thanks for being so real, so honest, so candid. You are much loved!
This is pure genius. I wish I had had this CAUTION warning when I set out on this journey. It wouldn’t have stopped me for a second, but it would have been a gentle reminder that no trip is smooth sailing.
And this has been one trip worth taking.
Be gentle with yourself. We don’t need more beatings, especially from ourselves. We just need love. And you’ve got lotsa love from me my friend! No matter what. One meal, or one day doesn’t ruin your months of progress and we are still little by little overcoming behaviors that were set deep. It takes some time to get there and perfection doesn’t exist. You are okay. Breathe and keep moving.
PS – 67 days!
What makes maintenance hard is that you have to write your own instruction manual misstep by misstep. You learn more from making mistakes and dusting yourself off. Because you lost such a significant amount of weight in a relatively short period having hot and cold days is what is natural. Remember that life is about cycles and you jumped tracked pretty damn fast and it’s going to take time. It’s about making mistakes & stopping the snowball ASAP instead of letting it eat you up inside and derail you. You are stronger than yesterday. You are better, and more, than your choices yesterday. You are also more than your choices today and tomorrow. ♥
Great post! Real eye opener. I haven’t gotten to my “maintenance” journey yet, but will be a little better prepared having this road sign. For that, I thank you!
xoxo
Roxie-Girl
You’ll keep taking it day by day or minute by minute until it clicks…and hey..you’ve already come so far! It is way passed time to feel incredible about yourself.
I love your caution sign..I’ll definitely be saving that…
Just found your blog and so glad I did! What an honest, heart-wrenching, and funny post. Ellen at Fat Gril Wearing Thin has a lot to say about maintenance lately–you should check it out.
Love your honesty and have the printer going right now b/c I cannot put it any better myself. Thank you for posting!
Nice reminder of how we take on our relationship with food. Caution! However, we must all move past a diet mentality and embrace a healthy lifestyle mindset instead. That will take away the guilt.
Totally about to push print on this one!
Thank you from a total newbie to this adventure!
I was given a “Stylish Blogger award”/ shout out and asked to pass it on to blogs that I delight in. So I included you in the blogroll.
Thanks for your sharing! I linked your blog in this post “awarding” you for your fabulousness!
http://bgettinghot.blogspot.com/2011/01/look-ma-part-ii.html
Bethany
great post! keep it on!
Can I ask which part of maintenance is the part that is the hardest for you?
I find that maintenance is easier now, for me, than the losing was. Sure I have bad days and moments where I think “Why did I just eat that?” but every day is a new day to try better. 🙂
I commented on this post last month, but wanted to share an update. The caution sign, totally totally came in handy recently! So thank you!
I shared it with folks on my blog and linked to your site.
Thanks!
=)
Bethany
http://bgettinghot.blogspot.com/2011/02/you-mean-im-not-only-one.html