Constant Self…

I wear one of those inspirational word bracelets.

You know the one’s.

The kind that’s supposed to remind you of something powerful every time you look down. The kind that over time become so stretch out it’s hard to keep it on your wrist. The kind with words like “Dream” “Hope” or “Livestrong”. The kind that after a few weeks or months you sort of forget that it’s there and it no longer has the intent it did when you first put it on.

Constant Improvement / Self Discipline

Those are the words etched on mine. I got it when I was first starting out at JTS (Jower’s Training System) back in Tacoma and next to my RoadID that I’ve worn everyday for the last year this bracelet has a lot of meaning for me.

I’ve been on this journey a long time. Two years ago almost to the day I decided that the 270 pound body that I was carrying around was tired of being carried around. Two years ago I decided that the shit I was putting into my mouth was just that: Shit. Two years ago I decided that even if I could only walk up one flight of stairs it was better than nothing and for the first time in my life I was better than nothing. I was something. I’ve learned a lot over the last seven hundred and thirty days. I learned that I can do what I thought was impossible. I learned that weight loss is secondary to  the depression that I carried deep inside of my being. I’ve learned that it’s okay to cry during a work out as long as you keep on working out. I’ve learned that  just because I threw up the first time I ran a half block doesn’t mean I’m going to always throw up if I just keep running. I’ve learned that this journey is never going to end for me. Two years later and one of those years in full maintenance and my emotional (in)stability is still as delicate as it was the first day I decided to change my life. The difference between today and two years ago is that I refuse to let food placate my emotional state and I refuse to ignore my feelings as if they don’t matter.

So many of us are going to begin the vicious cycle of New Year’s resolutions. On December 29th of 2009 I didn’t make a resolution when I decided that I would climb the stairs instead of take the elevator, I made a commitment. I didn’t make a resolution when I decided that I would be conscious of the food I put in my body no matter how much my brain screamed to be comforted by fast food, I made a commitment. I didn’t make a resolution when I decided that I would get up at 4am to run in the dark because I was afraid people would laugh at my fat, I made a commitment. I didn’t make a resolution each time I found myself in the middle of an emotional binge and finally put a stop to the purging that followed, I made a commitment.

A commitment to always be on a path of self improvement.

A path of constant discipline.

A path of self improvement means realizing that some days the clouds are going to be dark and the rains will fall heavily on my soul. A path of constant discipline means being patient as those rains wash away the wounds of old and bring another opportunity to love who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be tomorrow. A path of self improvement means taking a deep breath and giving myself room to stumble. A path of constant discipline means getting up when I feel like I can’t, or worse yet that I don’t deserve to get up. A path of self improvement means quieting the voices that still remind me I can’t and never will. A path of constant discipline means giving those voices the friendly “fuck off” as I move forward each day to a better me.

Today more than ever I am clinging to the idea that I am always on a path of self improvement. It’s not about how much weight I can lift or how many miles I can run like it used to be. Those were my bench marks for this journey. The number on the scale defined my success (or failure). Now it’s about how after two years I still struggle to love the body, the heart and the mind that is me. The path of self improvement not in the physical sense but in the emotional sense. The path of constant discipline isn’t about going to the gym everyday or running another race, but about laying my head on my pillow at the end of the day, closing my eyes and knowing that when I wake up the next day I am committing to a life long journey…

Of change.

Improvement.

Discipline.