Daily Decisions…

businessplantemplateblog.com

My life is a series of daily decisions.

And in those decisions come emotions.

It’s hard to sit with emotions that are uncomfortable. Feeling lost, confused and unsure about the choices and decisions that are being made: Is this right? What if this is all wrong? Am I really going to take this jump and change the direction of my life? Feeling unclear and perplexed: Why now? Where did these feelings even come from? Feeling disoriented and bewildered: Where do I go from here? How do I keep going forward after making such a huge life changing decision? In these emotions I feel like I don’t want to think about making good choices to keep me healthy. The desire to eat has once again began to dissipate. I find myself wandering aimlessly in grocery stores looking for things to consume that are healthy. Within a few moments of being in the fruit and vegetable section of my local store, I quietly put the hand basket down and leave in hopes that maybe the panic attack looming in the core of my body will subside. Some days these decisions and emotions work together in harmony and at the end of the day, I feel good about what I’ve done to take care of myself physically and emotionally.

Other days?

Not so much.

In the midst of changing bank accounts, cell phone services and coordinating time to see the dogs I’m finding myself not wanting to make the best decisions about food. I would rather just not be bothered with having to make a conscious effort to find a protein to go with a non-protein food. I would rather not have to think about eating five times every day (I’m having a hard enough time remembering if I packed enough underwear to get me through the week). Instead of walking through aisles of organic produce, I find myself staring at my old friends Ben & Jerry and wondering if they’ll open their arms and welcome me back to a place where I once found unconditional comfort. I think about binging in my car, alone (yet not really alone when food is my company). I think about where I can find a public bathroom that is semi private to purge the food that sits uncomfortably in my stomach after forcing myself to eat.I think about all the nasty foods I want to consume in large quantities so that I can validate just how ugly I feel inside with the way I’ve convinced myself I look on the outside.

Today I thought about ice cream and coffee.

Hungry and tired from all the emotions coursing through this body, I had to eat. I know this is a forward moving journey even when I feel like I can’t take another step. Resolved to needing to put food into my body so that it can digest and keep me moving away from once was and towards what is I make my normal rounds (stay to the outside perimeter of the store) and nothing jumps out at me…I go down the dairy aisle (can never go wrong with Chobani) and before I know it I’m standing in front of the frozen dessert section looking at a half gallon of ice cream.

A half gallon.

I thought about eating in my car.

I thought about making myself sick afterwards.

I thought about how in that instance I hated the turn of events so much so that I was willing to eat an entire half gallon of ice cream alone because that’s how I felt: Alone. I thought about the comfort I would find digging the plastic spoon I would grab from the deli into the soft spots of the melted ice cream and then the comfort I would find in the sweet sticky corners of my mouth as I tried to consume the entire box before it melted beyond consumption. I thought about how angry I would be at myself for this uncontrolled binge that I was contemplating and how much I felt I deserved to be angry at myself for the choices and decisions that I’m making that are not just affecting me but those that I love and care for.

I wanted to eat in pain.

I wanted to eat in disgust.

I wanted to prove once again I deserved to hate myself.

Funny thing about this journey; as much as I wanted to make really bad food choices, I couldn’t. Logical Tara sort of just pushed EFT out of the way and gently guided me away from the frozen foods and towards some what healthier choices: Sushi and chobani. I knew I needed to eat and standing in front of the boxes of ice creams was not getting the job done. In the past I would have given in and said ” tomorrow is another day”…That doesn’t work for me anymore. I’ve been on this journey long enough to know that at some point “tomorrow is another day” is an excuse to let go of “Making better choices begins here and now”.

I pay for my food. I don’t really want to eat but it has to be done. I know I’m going to be thankful once I get started. On the way out I decide that while Ben and Jerry can’t be invited to this one woman party I can invite an old friend that I’ve missed: Iced Americano! It’s an indulgence I’ve learn to curb. Today I uncurbed it and in twelve ounces of controlled delight I found the comfort I was looking for. Cold in my mouth, sweet on my tongue it was exactly what I was looking for.

I guess making better choices does begin in the here and now…

Logical Tara: 1

Emotionally Fat Tara: 0