This letter is long in coming. In fact it kept me from blogging the last couple of days because I knew the next time I sat in front of this laptop it would be to hash out this letter and I have been a little apprehensive about writing something I had no idea how to start.
You’re probably wondering why I even wanted to write this letter. Maybe you’re wondering who in the hell gave me the idea to sit down and hash this out with you. Maybe you’re just looking at this and laughing your ass off because deep down inside you don’t believe that what I write here is even going to make a difference.
Maybe it will.
Maybe it won’t.
A while ago I read this POST and you have been on my mind ever since. Even more so with the impeding “breaking of my half mary virginity” this coming Sunday. You have been sitting on my shoulder ever since I made goal weight and you have been poking me on the side of the head like an annoying 6th grade bully trying to steal the lunch money of a 1st grader.
Enough is enough.
It is time for you to leave.
The first thing I need to do is give you an identity so that I can understand that you are NOT me and I am NOT you. Yes the negative thoughts I have at this point are my own but it wasn’t always that way. Since I was young enough to internalize the world around me, we’ve both known who that voice belongs too. The voice that tells me the loss of 100 pounds isn’t enough. The voice that tells me running a 10 minute mile is not fast enough. The voice that tells me having goals and ideas that would perpetuate a life of happiness will never come to fruition. The voice that tells no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to think otherwise: I WILL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.
My mother.
You probably don’t even remember telling me to never be like my brothers. If you knew the consequences of that life changing statement, I’m pretty sure you never would have utter those words. You had no idea it would set off a path of self destruction the way that it has. Every time I get close to feeling good about what I’m doing (relationships, career, weight loss, <insert whatever here>) I crash emotionally and begin another round of self sabotage because in the end I can’t fathom the idea of being anything but like my brothers. As a young girl watching you and them live violently under the same roof solidified the idea that I am just like them…
I am just like you.
Watching them leave one by one to go and try to do something with their lives only to have them a) return to where they were destroyed or b) go far beyond my reach so that I couldn’t tell them that I needed big brothers to protect me or c) have them go on and perpetuate the sadness / addiction / and just plain old fucked up life that you helped firmly plant and then systematically killed emotionally left a hatred for the girl facing me in the mirror.
I’m here to tell you it’s time to leave.
You don’t have a place in my life anymore.
You can tell me how I’m never going to be good enough.
It doesn’t mean I have to listen.
Look, let’s get honest. I lost 100 pounds and that’s fucking awesome. You can tell me all you want how it’s not enough. You can whisper in my ears “So and so lost 150 pounds, that makes them better” but I don’t have listen. I can run a fucking 10 minute mile and in a few days I’ll be earning my very first 1/2 marathon medal. You can whisper in my ear “So and so did a marathon already and runs faster” but I don’t have to listen. I am a good person. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and to heal the emotional scars that were first laid down by you. You can whisper “So and So makes more money” “So and so has a nicer car” “So and so prettier, happier, smarter and will always be better than you” but I don’t have to listen.
You can whisper “You’re just like your brothers”…
But we both know that’s not true.
I am not dead. I am no longer an addict. I am not running from a childhood that was plagued from the beginning. I am here. I am in the moment. I am standing stronger today than I ever have in my entire life. I am kicking and screaming to get back to what I know deep down inside to be true: I deserve this.
You are dead.
Your voice whispers from a grave that is so far removed from my life, I don’t understand why you still have that power over me. You will never come back and tell me that I’m finally good enough for you. You will never look me in the eyes and apologize for sending me down that path that would ultimately lead me to this letter. You will never hug me and say “Tara, stop being like your brothers”.
You can not heal me.
Only I can.
It may take a while for you to vacate the premises all together. Some days you’ll whisper in my ear and I’ll believe every word you’re saying. But hear me loud and clear: YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE! Pack your bags and get the hell out. Me and that girl in the mirror, we’re working hard to build a better relationship…
and there’s only room for one of you.
First, I can’t run a 10-minute mile, I sure as hell can’t run a 1/2 marathon and I’m still a long way from losing 100 pounds. So yeah, that’s pretty fucking awesome!
Second, I hope this post will help you eradicate your voice, but if it comes back, you can tell it that there are many more people who can’t run a 1/2 marathon than people who can, many more people who can’t run a 10-minute mile than people who can, and many more people who haven’t lost any weight than people who have lost 100 pounds. So you’re in the elite group! Only one person can be number 1 (literally), so I say shoot for greatness, not perfection, and let me tell you I think all you’re doing is pretty great.
Aren’t you glad our perceptions aren’t always reality. Way to kick that b*tch to the curb.
And the biggest of all….is that YOU no longer have to BELIEVE what you hear! from the IC…They can drone on and on and on…
Don’t stop.. keep moving toward your awesome..Don’t stop believin’ in YOU
But DO STOP believing in that IC voice….its just a lie….
I have not been able to stop mine, get confused by the feelings, but more than anything I believe in ME more than I believe that other voice…….
YOU CAN TOO! Remember its NOT YOUR FAULT……It’s just an old voice…
I am so proud of you for writing this, let the real healing begin.
Thank you for writing this!
Enjoy the success that you have worked so hard to achieve.
This is big, huge wonderful stuff Tara. And here’s the thing: we all…every one of us…have an IC (also known as the Super Ego).
Unfortunately, many hear the IC and can’t distinguish it from their own voices. Being aware that the IC is not YOUR voice is, as I said…HUGE! It’s what separates those who succeed (in any type of endeavor) from those who do not.
I have come to realize that my IC will always be there, but I catch it sooner and I know how to deal with it. Sometimes I need to tell it to fuck off. Other times, I use humor. And still other times it needs to be reassured.
You and your IC? You’re both gonna be just fine! 🙂
I don’t even have words to tell you what I see when I read this letter. I see a strong, self-aware woman taking back the power to control her life – inner and outer. I see an athlete. I see a woman with the ability to nurture herself more than her mother ever could.
Karen is more well-informed about this stuff than I am…and I agree with her comment that being aware of the difference between what YOU believe and know, and what “the voice” (inner critic, super ego, whatever) tells you is HUGE.
Keep up the amazing, honest, and light-giving work, friend. I love you!
You’re 100% right. You are NOT destined to be anything other than the awesome woman that you are. You are in control and you’re doing amazing things that maybe you never dreamed of even trying before. Know that I’m proud as hell for all you’ve done, all you stand up to, and all the smart choices you’re making at shutting her voice down. You, my dear, are beautiful beyond compare.
Tara, This reminds me of the lyrics to a song called So Long Self by Mercy Me. Love it! This post is full of Epicness.
Perfection! The emotional work of weight loss (doubt, insecurity, lack of contentment with our bodies) is so much harder to deal with than the physical work. Way to identify and address your IC!
I dont actually know you. In fact this is the first time I have ever read your blog. Your words, I hope, will one day be the words that I am able to say with a passion. I am currently trying to fake it until I make it. But you are strong. You have changed your life. You deserve every happiness.
Hi
I have two blog concerning my past and present experiences with addiction, recovery, bi-polar and add. these are true personal writing that are helping me find out who I am and may help other addict s in the process. My blog addresses are http://www.anaddictsinnerself.blogspot.com and http://www.dailymemoirstofindingmyinnerself.wordpress.com. I am looking for other blog authors to post comments and to subscribe to their blogs. Please let me know what you think.
Tasiasmama
This is so powerful. YOU are so strong and more awesome that you even realize. It’s great knowing you. Rock on, my friend!
I can not write….I can only weep..
They are *my* words as well….
Where you write My mother…..insert my Father for me. You have so elegantly written the words that I don’t know how to get out of me. It took my father such a short time to ruin so many years of my life. But he is dead now and I am not. I am more alive today than I ever have been.