Some Most days I am afraid to try.
I am afraid to try because I want to be the best at everything. I am an overachiever. Anyone that has lived as a fat person knows what I’m talking about. Fat is our one failure that we can never seem to shed. So we over compensate by either being the smartest student, the hardest worker, the funniest person or the one that will drop everything at any given time and be there to lend a helping hand. We think by being the best at something (or everything) it will hide what we’re really feeling: I am a failure at everything because I am fat.
I tried in the past to let go of the fat but I forgot about letting go of the most important part – the “est”(s). If I couldn’t be the thinnEST, the fastEST, the strongEST, the fittEST then there was no point. I used to walk around aimlessly looking at other people and thinking “oh look at him, he looks so strong. I’ll never be that strong <insert food into pie hole>” or “look at her, I’ll never be that thin” <insert food into pie hole AND turn on World of Warcraft> or “look at that runner, I’ll never be that fast” <insert food into pie hole AND turn on World of Warcraft AND sink farther into my depression>.
As a morbidly obese person I was so focused on what I wasn’t doing.
Being the bEST.
That I didn’t see what I was doing.
Being bettER.
Stop looking around you and seeing what everyone else is doing. You don’t know their history. You don’t know their demons. You don’t know what brought them to where they are today. There is only one person you need to be better than and that’s the you that you’re leaving behind.
I may never be as fast as her...
but
I am getting faster!
I may never be as strong as her...
but
I am getting strongER (185 pounds deadlift!)
and
strongER (500 pound leg press!)
I may never be as thin as her...
but
instead of looking like this (263 pounds)
I look like this (183 pounds).
It’s hard to come to the realization that I can’t be the bEST at something. I don’t know how to not look at that as complete failure. I won’t lie to you, I struggle every day thinking about how I let myself go for so long. How for so many years I was complacent in my life. Weighing close to 270 pounds was okay for me because why think any different if I can’t be thinnEST. Not being able to walk up a flight of stairs was okay for me because why think any different if I can’t run the fastEST. Not getting my heart pumping and my muscles moving was okay for me because why think any different if I can’t be the strongEST.
Talk about a fucked up way of thinking.
I was afraid to stand up and take control of my life because I was looking at what other people were doing and comparing myself to them before I even started. It’s true, I’ll never be the fastEST, or the fittEST, or the strongEST or even the thinnEST. Today and for the rest of my life I will struggle to let go of the “est”(s) and begin to embrace the “er”(s) because there is only one person I need to be better than…
And it's me. September 2009
August 31st 2010 (and getting happiER every day)
I love this post. It is so true, but something I’d not yet thought of. I always had to be the smartest kid in the class cause I didn’t think I could ever be the “best” at anything else. Once I got to high school where it was virtually impossible for my lazy self to be the smartest I got even more into self loathing. In college I began to love myself, as a parent I began to desire health for myself and also my family.
I like you (even though I have so much self love) do struggle also with not being the fastest, makes me feel like I’m not a real runner-cook-whatever. The tortoise won the race though and I will win my battle against myself to push myself to be my healthiest! (yeah, that probably made no sense- it made sense in my head though)
Oh it makes sense. It makes perfect sense. We will win this battle!
I’ve been putting my workout off today, but I’m about to go kill it thanks to this post.
Like I said yesterday, you are so badass!
Some one made a post yesterday that got me all fired up when I didn’t want to go to the gym. This is what I call reciprocity at it’s finest. Keepin us fired up to get out there and kill it!!!
Thank you!! This one really hit home for me.
Thanks Sylvia…even though I write from my heart and often think people won’t get it, I know someone out there will.
This is one of the BEST posts I have ever read. But coming from you it doesnt surprise me. Tara, you are my hero. I <3 you and look up too you because you have accomplished and over come so much. Be proud of who you are!
I’m learning to be proud of myself. It’s a long hard process but you can bet your hotass Miss Molly, I’m going to be around for a while to get this stuff figured out.
Wow, what a great post Tara, you are an inspiration and you look amazing!
Thank you Jaime. How’s the cutting back of WoW going?
Wow, reading that (especially the first part) was like reading the book of my life, I mean right down to the world of warcraft. Tears just immediately started pouring, it’s funny how one thinks that they are alone in their effed up thought process, that no one could possibly know what goes through their head and then poof there it is out of some one elses mouth.
You have no idea (or maybe you do) the hold that stupid game had on me. My life stopped so that I could play that game. It was nothing short of an addiction (and I know about addictions). Remind me to show you my authenticator I still keep on my keychain to remind me of where I’m never going again.
You are never alone Miss Jessi.
Believe that!
AH! You are so in my head with this post. I must go think.
Hmmmm, I like being in your head! It’s so pretty in here. And it smells like coconut.
Wow, it is like you are always talking directly to me. How DO you do that?
Most days I feel like a complete failure and hoping that maybe one day I won’t. How do you get rid of the food addiction though? That is the part that has a stronghold on me. I try and try instead of do and do. I do so well and then something snaps in me and I feel like a failure. How does a person get over this? I am looking for advice or anything that you can say to me to push me over the edge. I want to so be part of your army. Can you sign me up.
Theresa
How is it that I am always talking directly to you? It’s because I’m talking directly to me when I write. If there is anything I’ve learned over the last 8 months it’s this: If I am feeling it, you can bet someone else is too. As far as my food addiction goes, I did what I do with all of my other addictions. I quit cold turkey. I threw out my food of choice(s) and replaced it with only things that were healthy. I weighed out and wrote everything down and when I hit calorie intake maximum (I started out at 1800) I stopped eating. Period. I cried a lot. I refuse to leave my house to go get my food of choice. I threw things in anger. I screamed and then usually flopped myself down in the bed in some sort of emotional mess. As the withdrawals got easier I started talking my way through meals (“my stomach doesn’t care what I put in it, it just wants to digest. It’s my mind that is having a hard time accepting that I can’t eat whatever I want and it will catch up). I kept things that were low in calorie but high in volume around (I ate spinach by the leaf some days) so that I could feel like I was eating quantity. It took about 4 months of really staying completely in the moment with my food for things begin to click. It hasn’t been easy for sure. Some days I just can’t get my mind off of food. Again, I reach for low calorie items (laughing cow, hard boiled egg whites and salsa, any veggie/fruit combo) and eat in small increments to see if that helps.
As far as the army goes, consider yourself enlisted soldier!
wow, what a fantastic post! gives me lots of food (ha!) for thought! thanks!
Thank you for this. I am trying to let go of my perfectionist ways, and just strive for being consistent. Being -er will be so much healthier (and successful) for me in the long run than trying to be -est. (Or giving up, as it becomes clear I will not become -est).
Amazing and powerful post oh wise one. You are figuring this all out piece by piece and day by day. I’m ridiculously proud of you and all of the progress you’ve made (in all of the ways!) I cried in my office reading this post because I feel the same in so many ways. The perfectionism in my life that I’ve learned to adapt and accept who I am and actually freakin’ like myself – – god, hitting the nail on the head.
You are gorgeous in all of your photos, but your gorgeous spirit and your contentment with you are is shining through in your new photo.
Much love friend. xo
Thanks Meegan. Piece by piece is really the only way to figure this journey out. I used to try and take on everything at once and then wonder why I couldn’t handle my emotional psyche. For the record that ridiculous pride goes both ways. It’s such an amazing feeling to look in the mirror and say without doubt “I like that person” and I know you’ve worked just as hard to get to that place. Much love right back at ya xoxo
Great post! I also deal with that fear of trying if I can’t be the best. Thank you for reminding me that the -er is pretty darn awesome too.
Thanks Jodi.
We’re gonna get to love the -er in all we do!
Wow, Tara! Great post! For me, it wasn’t the “est”, but it was “enough”. I never thought I was pretty enough, thin enough, good enough…. I lost 80 pounds 1.5 years ago. I feel like I have the food under control, but am still working on my head. BTW – you look amazing!!!
Holy shneike. (Is that how you spell that??)
First, you look TINY (in a strong and badass way, of course) in that last photo.
Second, thank you for saying out loud what a lot of us (all of us?) have thought at one time or another. That because we’re not THE BEST we’re not worth the effort of becoming better.
I tweeted this the other day, and I don’t know who said it originally, but I love this quote: “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Here’s to NOT letting that happen, and to LOVING our ERs instead of lamenting our not-ESTs.
That makes sense right? (shut up!)
Wow. Hey Tara – this is Kelly’s friend, Emily. Finally coming over and reading… yeah, you hit this one out of the park. Thanks for the reminder/affirmation/encouragement/kick in the butt. So much of this struggle is a mind game… and I want my goal to be happIER tomorrow than I am today. Good stuff. thanks 🙂
That was me…this is going to sound TERRIBLE..BUT much like Sue…sorry, Im not sorry…somewhre in my teen years I discovered to my chagrin that I was never going to be ‘beautiful’. I have an idea of beauty…it’s symmetry, it’s delicate. It was everything I wasn’t.
So I didn’t try.
Then as I got fatter and fatter i got more and more comfortable. My fat did a lot for me.
But I was very smart. So it made up for it.
I find now that I can accept not being ‘beautifu’ in a particular way. I will just be beautiful in my own way.
This is such a smart post. Thanks for all the material to really think over. You look so strong, powerful, and happy in your photos, too.
Oh my gosh, you are disappearing before our very eyes.
You are an inspiration and making it look so easy. I hope to re-find my dedication and get back on track, I would love to have success next february, when it has been one year for me. I am doing well, and making changes, but not as quickly.
What motivates you? You look fantastic.
best, ivie
First-What an amazing transformation. You almost glow now.
This ” Stop looking around you and seeing what everyone else is doing. You don’t know their history. You don’t know their demons. You don’t know what brought them to where they are today. There is only one person you need to be better than and that’s the you that you’re leaving behind.”
Couldnt come at a better time for me. I have a person in my life that is constantly commenting (online so they think I dont know) even though they dont know my history with weight. They just assume that they know. I wish I could scream what you wrote at them. Today, I will stop worrying about what they think and what they say, because you are right, the only person I need to be better than is me.
WOW! That’s a GREAT post! And, you don’t want to be as skinny as her. She’s gross!
WOW, thank you for being brave and baring your soul. So few people now possess this strong of character. You are being an insperation to my wife and I. Keep pushin’ it and enjoy the payoff every day.
Tara this post is the awespmEST! i know that isnt correct, but it works…
Seriously though. You put into words what I have been feeling for quite some time. I may borrow this concept for my blog. thanks! btw, that last picture of you rocks!
This post? Amazing. Awesome. Incredible. Motivating.
I loved it so much that I printed it out and I’m going to look to it whenever I feel like giving up.
One of the most incredible things about you to me, and there are many things, is that you never give up. You get it done, and the results show it! You’re such an inspiration to me.
Thank you for writing this post!
actually Tara, you are the BEST.
The BEST YOU is all that matters and girl you are on fire at the moment!!!
Awesome post Tara – and WOW you are really looking amazing!
One “est” that you can definitely embrace though, is becoming the best version of yourself. That’s what it’s really all about for me. I don’t have to be the fastest. I don’t have to be the strongest. I just want to be the best version of me that I can be!
I LOVE this post! I am working on all this and it’s posts like this that make me say “I can do that too!”.
Also, you have really awesome smile dimples!
Yes yes yes! It took me years to understand that it doesn’t make sense to say “I can’t be the nicest, so I might as well be a total bitch – and can’t be the thinnest, might as well have that second piece of cake with a side of stomach ache.” Now I know that self improvement is a journey that I may never be done with but if I’m a little better each day than the day before, that’s enough for me!
Holy crap you look freaking awesome!!!! Excellent post on so many different levels!!
This post is amazing and so much of what I think of myself. Thank you.
This is so amazing – just what I needed to hear! I definitely have this bookmarked for the next time I start to feel down about how much work I still have ahead of me. Great job so far – you look fantastic! ♥
This post really hit home with me as I’ve overcompensated for being fat for most of my life as well. Whether it was the funnyEST or the smartEST I just kept seeing myself in your words.
Your summary of replacing the EST with the ER is so true and you have a great way of presenting this concept. Thank you for this posting!