I wrote a post last week about “Confessions” and saying goodbye to Fat Tara forever. One of the comments I got really struck a chord with me. So much so I’ve been thinking about it almost everyday:
“Goodbye fat Tara. I’m not sorry we never met. Thank you for sacrificing yourself in the name of skinny, strong HAWT Tara. You’d be amazed and really proud of everything she’s accomplished. *whispering* You and her will both be amazed by the places she’s going, but let’s keep that as our secret because even good change can be overwhelming.” (Left by my beautiful friend Jord – who btw just did her first Half Marathon!!!)
Good change can be overwhelming…
My journey to losing 100 pounds is coming to a close and all this good change is a little (okay a lot) overwhelming. I wouldn’t be lying if I were to admit more often than not that there are days I wish I was living my old lifestyle of sitting around and not thinking about anything except what’s on the t.v., what raid am I going to do on World of Warcraft and staring at the treadmill that sat folded up in the corner of my living room taking on the secondary role of clothes hanger.
Yes some days I miss it. Some days I mentally want it back. But you can’t pay me enough money to ever go physically back. There is only forward. But in that forward movement there is change and change is scary. There’s been a few major changes that I haven’t really talked about because well…
I’m scared.
One of those changes is that my training sessions with Godfather have officially come to an end and I didn’t buy anymore. If you’ve been following me (you have right?!) then you know this is a pretty big deal. For the last week I’ve had a mixed bag of emotions over the decision to give up my coveted Tuesday/Thursday 6a spot that I’ve held now for close to four months. I’ve cried (not surprisingly). I got angry (and took it out on Godfather), I thought about bingeing (and didn’t), and I sat in fear that all of a sudden I was going to look in the mirror and staring back at me would be the 263 pound girl I started this journey with back in December.
All unfounded emotions.
But emotions none-the-less.
During an especially emotional day this week, where I felt way out of control several people (all separate conversation unbeknownst to one another) said “Tara, are you afraid to take off your training wheels?” and it hit me: Yes I am. I am afraid to take off my training wheels and ride that big girl bike alone. I am afraid to be accountable to only one person from this day forward: ME. There was something comforting about knowing I was going to get up every Tuesday/Thursday morning and lay my emotional self out for Godfather to coddle (while telling me to move faster). There was something safe about knowing for a few hours every week at the crack ass of dawn someone was focused on me and what I was doing on this journey.
My relationship with Godfather has changed from being my trainer to being my role model, my mentor and more importantly my friend. While I have a lot of peers I feel are important role models to me there are very few people in which I look up too. It’s important to have people who we strive to be more like in our actions and to be honest the track record of people that should have filled those shoes is almost non-existent for me. Godfather is pretty important to me and because I’m not used to having someone to look up to there is quite a bit of fear as our relationship goes from being inside the gym to outside into the real world.
This is definitely a good change. Overwhelming yes, but a change that is necessary. I know the women that are taking over my spot and today I told one of them they were going to do great things over the course of the next couple of months. I’m really excited for them. Godfather changed my life. He’s going to change theirs too. Want to know what I’ll be doing?
I’ll be out scraping my knees
dusting myself off
as I learn to ride without my training wheels.
Dead lifting an asston of weight is one kind of strength. This? This is quite another.
We’re still here, keeping an eye on you. We’re riding beside you, running along, walking with you, swimming, getting bewildered separately and together as we journey through this precious adventure. You’re doing great, you’ve been doing great, and, with the training wheels off, momentum is everything. xoxox
I’m glad you’ve found a friend in your trainer, because that way he can push you to your max physically and emotionally, but he’ll know your weaknesses and your limits as well. It’s important to build a strong relationship with Godfather, and I’m glad you did.
You know, it’s funny how things work isn’t it? I remember the Superman days and how you had to learn how to re-adjust your schedules because he wouldn’t show. But because he didn’t show, you have now found Godfather. Things always end up the way they were meant to if you let it, granted a lot of times, we have to put in the effort, hard work, sweat and tears.
I’m super proud of you BBee. Keep up the great work.
Although you’ve said goodbye to Fat Tara, I think she will always be a part of you, for the better. You’ve learned what NOT to do, and how to overcome your flaws, and how to become a better, stronger, faster, more powerful, version 2.0 of Tara, and THAT is victory.
I know my time will come when I have to do the same. I know today I’m not ready. I know my trainer is starting to push me that way but all I know what to do is shut down.
Abe, I remember what it was like when I first starting coming to the gym and how scary it was to make the changes that are necessary to live a new life. We couldn’t keep going in the direction we were going. It wasn’t working for us. I know Mitka is as important to you as Chuck is to me. I also know Mitka cares about you the same way Chuck cares about me. We’re in good hands and pretty soon brother your training wheels are gonna come off and then we’ll be zooming down the street together.
Very, very true–good change can be overwhelming! I’m thrilled for you that you’ve taken off your training wheels—even more thrilled that you’ve explored this issue, addressed your fears and are going full steam ahead.
Tara, you always remind me to push through the roadblocks! It’s too easy to stop and wait on those roads, but you find your way around to get to where you want to go!
I’m reading about you doing great things for your body and your mind and it makes me think about my own body and mind—and those thoughts make me push through too!
weird. as I get down to my last 10 I was thinking on ponying up for a trainer so I could ‘tweak’ how I look with the muscles and what not.
You have this.
You are conscious. no chance at going back now.
onward and downward.
Tara, Taking the training wheels off is old news…remember?
http://263andcounting.com/2010/03/22/whoa-there-28-and-a-new-gym-member-in-town/
You’ve done it before. I know you can do it again! I know what you are feeling though. I have often thought about what I am going to do when I lose these last 29 pounds that I need to lose. I dont know yet either.. I do know that we will never go back to our old life.
Would I like to play WOW again? I wont lie…yes, sometimes I do. But thats what this journey is about right? making hard decisions…
You have made a hard decision with Godfather, but you will grow because of it.
I am in awe of you. Like, all of the time. You are this constant souce of inspiration, and not just in the motivational ways, but also in this way where you get me thinking about things and make my wheels turn.
I’ve been contemplating your decision and thinking about my own journey and reflecting on how much I rely on my relationship with my trainer as well. Wether its good, whether its bad, wether its what I need or just what I think I need, whether I could do this without him (or if I would want to). Things are rolling around in my head – you shook me up! I like to think that’s a very good thing.
I know you are ready for this change. In fact I’m certain of it. You’re ready for your next challenge and I can’t wait to see that that is. Isn’t it kind of incredible that we started out on this LCJ around the same time and when we get to meet in April we might both be at our goal weight (well you will be for sure!) Its amazing what can change when we want it to.
Change IS scary – even the good kind. But fear only has power over you if you let it, and if you hide the fear. Instead, here you are, calling it out, letting us know, and taking a stand. A stand that you will continue moving forward despite your fear. THAT is true courage, sister. Not the absence of fear, but the commitment to right action in spite of fear. You got this, T. No matter what the future holds, you’ve got it.
Yes yes yes! Godfather, as wonderful and amazing as he’s been for you, can’t be your training wheels forever. You CAN stand up and do it on your own!
You are ready for this.
I love the notion and reminder that even good change can be terrifying.
I NEEDED THAT THIS MORNING.
You are really ready for this GREAT CHANGE…
Ok. You have NO FRIGGEN IDEA how timely this is for me right now.
I have a lot of ‘changes’ going on in my life right now (and not just health/fitness related) and even though most of them are good, I am having a KILLER time adjusting to them.
Inertia’s a crazy thing sometimes.
Good luck on losing those training wheels Tara. It’s definitely a hard step to take, leaving your comfort zone, but I know you are SO ready for it.
And I have to agree with what Jord said – I’m ready to be amazed by the places you’re going!
Tara, we are all SO PROUD of you!
Your determination is my inspiration 😉