Hello, my name is Tara

 And I am an addict

(Hi Tara)

It’s been five days since I last weighed myself and it is freaking me out. I’m always thinking about how much I weigh and wondering if it’s changed much since the last time I stepped on the scale. I’m constantly pulling my rings on and off as a way of double checking to make sure everything is still okay. If I’m standing around you will pretty much find me with my hand on my stomach to make sure it feels the same today as it did yesterday as it did the day before…

Five days doesn’t seem like long.

But when you’re longing to pull into your local Target and sneak into the bath department to find some relief of the anxiety inside your body by stepping on a scale, five days can seem like a very long time. If my scale was at home I would have weighed myself probably no less than 70 times in the last five days.

Hello my name is Tara

And I am an addict

(Hello Tara)

I’m ashamed of the behavior much like I was ashamed when I decided to get clean and realized the power the drugs had over me. I’m ashamed of the behavior much like I was ashamed when I decided to end my World of Warcraft account and realized the power the video game had over me. I’m not afraid to admit being ashamed. This is not a behavior that is conducive to a healthy lifestyle. This is not a behavior that is conducive to being a role model to those coming behind me, trying to take control of their own lives. This is not a behavior conducive to who I am destined to be.

Hello my name is Tara.

And I am an addict.

(Hello Tara)

I’m back to getting my eating under control. I got pretty deep into some dangerous behaviors. A week later I can see a difference in my face (much less gaunt). I’ve had to take this in small steps (first focus: 5 meals a day / each with a protein) and the reward system is some what childish in nature (think stickers) but it’s what is working for me right now. I’m scared about moving on from this first focus. This was difficult (difficult) and I’m only a few days into it. I’ve cried my way through more than my fair share of small meals that shouldn’t be causing me so much angst but they are. The foods that I used to love eating are now taken in the smallest amounts I can stand but in the end all my stickers are earned!

This journey of mine is one of complexity and confusion. It’s one of understanding and forgiveness. It’s one of fear of going back and fear of moving forward. It’s one of love for the person that looks back at me from the mirror and frustration for those same eyes that long to just have a little quiet time from the mind. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change: this is no longer a weight loss journey. 120 pounds is enough and anything less would be detrimental to my physical well being. The courage to change the things I can: I am in control of what I do on this journey. I can eat to nourish my body, I can exercise to maintain the weight loss, I can do both with balance even if it takes me some time to figure out what balance looks like. And the wisdom to know the difference: I am present. I am in the moment. I’ve surrounded myself with people that love and care for me and even if I don’t know the difference, I trust they do and will guide me down the path until I can walk it on my own.

Hello my name is Tara

And it’s okay to admit I’m an addict.

(I love you Tara)