We don’t often think about that question.
We’re so bogged down by the physical number that we base our successes / failures on whether or not the scale is moving and forget about the weight that weighs the heaviest on us: The emotional pounds. Now I’m not a therapist nor do I play one on T.V. so of course what I write about is just from my own personal experience so take it as you will but I believe the following statement to be absolutely true: If you aren’t willing to lose the emotional weight, then your weight loss journey will NOT be successful or life-sustaining.
Oh you’ll lose some weight and you might be able to keep it off for some time but without examining the emotional aspect of your journey it will come back and it will come back with a vengeance. Emotional fat and physical fat go hand in hand. Now I’m not talking about those people who only have a few pounds to lose (whatever that definition is) because they stopped exercising after they got married or had a few children or couldn’t find the time to go to the gym after starting a new job. I’m talking about me: Bulimic since adolescence, morbidly obese, 100 pounds overweight that stuffed her pie hole every time something went wrong (read: stuffing pie hole on daily basis). I tried the diets. I was ready to sign on the dotted line for gastric bypass (and by ready to sign on the dotted line I mean I had the pen in hand, loan approved and ready to go but chickened out last-minute). I lost some weight. Atkins got me 40 pounds lighter. I gained back 60. Gastric bypass requirements got me down 30. I gained back 70. I was doing all the physical work and it was so damn frustrating to think “okay I got this” and then 3 months later realize I had gained everything back and gained back its brothers and sisters and all of its fucking cousins. I thought I was doomed to just be a fat girl and settled in to watch the scale move closer and closer to that 300 pound mark.
I was losing the physical weight.
It wasn’t enough.
What I didn’t do was examine why I was carrying around all this weight. I didn’t understand why I needed my physical fat. Let me say that again: I needed my physical fat self!!! I was too afraid to look inside. It was easier to focus all my energy on hating my physical self so that I wouldn’t have to learn to acknowledge / love my emotional self. I was too scared to look at all the circumstances of my life and acknowledge that I was dealt a crappy hand from the beginning so I just stuffed the hell out of my body and built up a shield against the world.
Against myself.
When I started this journey, I had no idea the emotional angst it would bring me. I had no idea that I would on a daily basis feel a plethora of emotions ranging from anger to sadness to pride to confusion to frustration to elation all within the same hour. I had no idea that there would be days that I would be so overwhelmed with what happened in my past that it would keep me from moving toward my future. I had no idea that I hated myself so much…
I hated myself.
I hated myself for being the child of an alcoholic mother. I hated myself for being the child of a father that left me when I was barely 90 days old. I hated myself for being the little sister of three brothers where sexual abuse, abandonment, and pure hatred for me being born in the first place was common. I hated myself for being the over achiever in school because it was the only way I knew how to get the much needed attention I wasn’t getting at home. I hated myself for being the short lived step daughter to my mother’s alcoholic husband, where they would spend hours being in love, sharing matching bar stools only to come home and trade blows while I clung to my mother’s leg begging for them to stop (and just so you don’t get the wrong idea – my mother was the physical abuser, not my step father). I hated myself for coming to the early realization that boys really do love you when you take your pants off, or at least that’s what I thought, and found a lot of boys that “loved” me. I hated myself for finding peace in eating until bloated and then throwing up until my throat bled and then turning around and hunting down more food because it was the only way I felt in control. I hated myself for watching my mother die as I battled my Meth addiction and once again realizing I failed to be the perfect daughter and now I was never going to get the chance to earn her love…
In that hate, I learned to survive. In that hate, I learned to function. In that hate I learned to keep my emotions at bay by continually eating and allowing myself to sink deeper into the depth of sadness and depression until one day not so long ago enough was enough. There was a war going on inside my soul, my mind and my body and I was losing.
I was the walking dead.
The last nine months of my life have been hard. I’ve lost the physical weight but the losing of the emotional weight is a much slower lifetime process. It’s hard to understand how I can physically carry the body of a woman that weighs 170ish and yet mentally and emotionally still carry the 260+ pound little girl inside. When I look at my body (and I spend more time in front of the mirror naked than ever before) I’m still seeing this:
December 2009
And not seeing this:
October 2010
As a quick side note, I had to wear underwear for this last picture because in trying to recreate the same pose I realized my girl parts aren’t covered by the fold of my belly fat. Also note I’m trying to stand in the same place and my ass is in first picture is at the door, however I still don’t see what the rest of the world sees…what is plain in front of me. The difference this time around is I am embracing my emotionally fat self and fighting for her life too. When she cries because she wants pull the cover over herself and never face the world because she feels she’s failed, we cry together. When she’s angry that she can’t stuff her face anymore and find control in throwing up, we’re angry together. When she’s afraid to take the step forward because she knows she has to face her past, we hold hands and carefully place one shaky foot forward.
This was one of the most emotionally painful posts to write but it has to be done. While I am closing in on my ideal physical weight, I know today that the journey is no where close to being finished. Every day is a battle to bring my physical self and emotional self closer to being one person.
Together we will make the changes.
For a lifetime.
So now the question has to be posed: How much do you weigh emotionally? Are you hoping the physical weight loss will take care of everything? Are you wondering why you can’t lose the weight? Are you protecting something you’re afraid look at? What are you shielding? I’m here to tell you that no matter how painful you think it is to try and lose the emotional fat, it’s even more painful to carry it around for a lifetime. Never in my life, have I felt so exposed to the world in my emotions. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy but it’s only because I never acknowledged how I got here in the first place. There is something powerful in firmly planting your feet and telling the world “Yes, I am emotional. Yes I will cry at the drop of a hat. Yes, I will have emotional break downs over buying myself a Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks. Yes, I will laugh hysterically when I realize that my husband bought me a pair of medium pajama bottoms because he knew they’d fit and I can’t wear my extra extra large pajama bottoms any longer. Yes I will catch my breath when someone points out that there is more life in my eyes than they’ve ever seen before” and every time I tell the world that I’m embracing all of my emotions no matter how difficult, I’m telling myself.
And when I tell myself…
another pound of emotional fat hits the floor.
Tara, I completely understand, and as you know, I have the same problem, emotionally, I weigh so much more than I did at my highest weight. We’ve been through this over and over and over, and I am slowly filling out that form to try and solve this problem, but I have to say, despite you not being a therapist, you are the one who helps me on a daily basis. I have friends that help me daily, but you have become so much more than a friend. You make me cry on a daily basis because I need to, and today is no exception. Tara, I freaking love you, and I know that I can shed this emotional weight, and that you can too!
great post..thank you for posting this, hard as it was. Im sure many other people including myself for sure feel this exact way. We have to deal with the inside as well as the outside.
M
Wow, Tara. Your blog blows me away, again and again and again. I think that all of us who read your writing, no matter what personal journey we ourselves are undertaking, can find inspiration, awe, and hope from where you are now, knowing where you came from.
I have no doubt in my mind that you will shed much more than 263 emotional pounds in this LCJ. Thank you so much for letting us join you.
Tara, this brought tears to my eyes & gave me chills. I hear you, I totally hear you. Thank you for taking us along with you on your journey.
What a powerful post! Just as you amaze me with your physical strength & endurance in your workouts, you’ve amazed me with your mental fortitude here. Laying this out here is so brave of you, but it’s also why I know the weight (both physical & emotional) will stay off this time.
This topic is difficult for me because I don’t have one incident (or a series of them). I had a happy life. I’ve always been chubby. I know there have to be reasons why I went from chubby to morbidly obese, but I haven’t realized them yet. That’s definitely another piece of the puzzle that I’ll need to put work into figuring out v
Thanks for bringing this up. I think I needed to read it today.
I am overwhelmed with tears in my eyes. So many of us carry emotional fat. It’s killing us as surely as the physical fat is. Thank you for sharing this.
Good luck and many hugs.
Janece
@gourmetmama (Twitter)
Those pictures are pretty powerful.
I can relate to your story on many different levels. I was so focused on losing 100 pounds that for 2 years I didn’t think of anything else. I didn’t address the reasons I was fat in the first place. Once I reached goal weight I kind of had a mini-meltdown. I kept thinking “Now what?” What do I distract myself with now? So I decided to train for a 5k. Then I became super focused on running, training for races, then training for the BIG race (Hood to Coast 197 mile relay race). It was all I thought about for a year.
It’s hard to face those demons from the past. It’s much easier to distract myself with food, or now exercise, training, etc. But when I do allow myself to visit those painful memories that are at the root, I try to forgive myself for being in pain then and remind myself that I’m a different person now. I’m stronger. I can deal with it better. I can work it out!
Miss Tara – thank you for hitting “publish” when fear told you not to. Your courage continues to inspire change in me…change that allows me to be a healthier, happier person. I can relate with Bella in that I had a pretty happy life (although there are some “missing pieces”) so I haven’t identified a specific reason for my protective layer. Perhaps those missing pieces are the answer huh? In retrospect, I think I had a rather skewed body image from a very young age. I think back to my gymnastic days and remember that I felt fat then although photos from those days would prove otherwise.
I continue to move forward in this battle/journey/adventure/excursion. Realizing self worth along the way. Your posts continue to make me laugh and cry…both powerful emotions that allow for the processing. BIG BIG HUGS!
tara, you astound me in so many ways. blessings of peace and emotional health! many of us are on the journey with you.
You and I need to sit down and have a conversation about this whole subject. I have a lot of questions, and things to run by you. This really struck a chord with me even though the emotional history’s are quite different. I found my self uncontrollably sobbing to the point of near hyperventilation while reading the whole post.
You are fucking amazing.
Yes ma’am
Indropprd the fbomb up in herre
I’m so glad you hit publish. This post is filled with truth after truth. Starting here: “Emotional fat and physical fat go hand in hand.”
I was talking with a friend the other day who found your blog through mine and she is SO impressed with your journey. And what I said to her is that the most impressive thing to me is that you’ve lost a shit-ton of weight but you also know you MUST do the emotional work in order for this to be a lifetime change in your physical fitness.
THIS POST and the many other instances of your complete and brutal emotional honesty? THIS is why I have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBT in my mind that you have turned a corner and will keep going down this LCJ road forever. Will it be easy? Hell no. Will you be perfect? Nope. None of us are. But that’s not the point. The point is saving our lives, one day and one choice (and one blog post) at a time.
You’re doing it, Tara. And it’s truly awe-inspiring to watch.
I have to agree with you in that, despite losing almost 40 lbs to get to my pre-pregnancy weight, I still don’t see myself as thin until pictures prove it to me. Why is that? I really need to try hard to let it go, to realize I’ve done it, that I’m pretty much “there” and that it’s okay to let it go.
You look amazing, I am so inspired by reading what you’ve written here. Mega kudos to you!
I am this post. I knew I had to drop the emotional weight as well as the physical. You are doing so well and had so much to overcome. I know I hate it when people express sympathy…but now I see why they do. It’s all we have when we can’t go back and erase the past. Great post tara, and good job on doing all the heavy lifting emotionally.
goosebumps… because you are living your journey. You are going through what you went through and learning, believing, and being. I have nothing other than to say…you are amazing.
I love this post. I feel so much better knowing I am not alone. I am trying to lose both the physical and the emotional weight. Right now I take it one day at a time.
Finally someone else who has written about the fact that food is only a symtom, people will never loose weight until they deal with the emotional side of eating, until they ask themselves, what am I feeding.
Congratulations of getting to your goal weight and for such a brilliant post
I freakin love you Tara Martin!
I really don’t have anything to add. The honesty is amazing. Love you girl!
I relate so much to this post, I lost the physical weight (100lbs) but am still 5 years later struggling with the emotional weight. I go from obsessive tendency to another (exercise, 24 pairs of black shoes, electronics, anything to fill the void). In my head I know what needs to be done, I just can’t seem to make it happen. This post helps me to see that I have to keep trying, not give up, and eventually let go of my past to free myself of it. Thank you, once again by opening you heart you’ve have touched mine.
Cripes, you have the way with words that just shake me to my core. I am so glad that you pushed publish. Your courage inspires me to dig in and deal with all those emotions that I’m afraid to let out. Finding a way to really love myself instead of hating due to experiences that I couldn’t control and understand that anybody else could find something lovable in me has been a big roadblock in my life, and I know that it is still holding me back in achieving my goals. My protective layer is slowly chipping away, but I have more work to do. I’m rambling, but just THANK YOU and keep being so AMAZING.
You help me so much, Tara. My brain goes so fast that even though I have many of these thoughts, I can’t pin them down. Thanks for grabbing them out of the air and getting them into your blog. Your frankness is going to help a lot of people.
Stunning post! I have a billion things to say to it but all i can put together is, You are Amazing! I’m inspired by you.
You have gone through so much. Kuddos to you for changing your life.
Beautiful Tara. You have come so far and I commend you for that. You know where you are going. You have your eyes wide open. You are aware. And you will be successful.
You almost couldn’t hit publish.
I almost couldn’t finish reading.
I have been avoiding this subject for months.
I can’t avoid it anymore.
“Thank you” doesn’t seem like nearly enough.
I agree with what a lot of people are saying….
but I’m just gotta put it out there…
Sexypants!!!
Yep. That’s what I got from the entry.
I know you’ve been going through the paces, the highs and lows of the process. But unlike the fat version of you, you’re being honest about those things. You’re giving them a voice. That’s how I know that while you feel all of those things, you’re also doing the work to let go of many of those things (or rather, those things are getting ready to let go of you.).
So instead of any heavy comment (sorry everyone), I’d rather focus how hot you look! Seriously. Sexy undies, sexy body. That takes some balls to post a photo that hot without a warning that it might cause heart palpitations.
Tara: This is why you are SO LOVED! Honesty and from the heart! Yes, to all the above reasons! For me, right now, my emotional weight is just under my physical weight. While my physical weight is not as low as yours and Instead of being envious of your progress, I see I am on the same path to the same destination…I just had to take a different route…..THAT is comforting!
Yes, I deal with those emotions, fears, those past experience, the anger, the joy… but each time I deal with an emotion another physical pound sheds.
That emotional weight IS so almighty powerful and THAT is the key I am discovering…It takes all three…Mind, Body, Spirit….They ALL have to work together for us to become whole …doesn’t matter which comes first as long as the journey brings them all together!
Now THAT’S a before and after picture. Congrats, girl.
I <3 this. You are freakin' incredible.
I still have goosebumps from reading this post. Your honesty and ability to write this down so that others can learn from what you are going through and have gone through is amazing. You are amazing.
Ryan (nomorebacon) posted your link and I fallowed. I loved that post. Thank you! It makes me cry because it’s so ture, and not something I feel ready to face yet, but hope to be able to face someday soon.
Mrs. NoMo
What an awesome blog post. This is why I love working in the world of weight loss because I truly believe in the bigger picture. It is beautiful and raw and magical. What an inspiration to read.
I’m reading this today – the day I found out I have officially lost 100lbs. I can’t blog about it yet because I need some time to process the emotional enormity of the whole thing. You get this. I know you get this because this is exactly what you have so bravely written about.
Your journey is incredible. The fact that you are reaching out and sharing it with so many people is inspiring. Your honesty and frank integrity about the emotional process that goes hand and hand with success is admirable. You are reclaiming your entire life, one day, one workout, one monumental blog post at a time.
I’m ridiculously proud of you, so damn thankful to share in your journey in some small way. I <3 you Tara Martin.
And PS – you look damn hot in your underwear.
Wow, just wow! This was an amazing post. Not just because of your honesty, but because you captured what so many people are going through.
Over the past months that I have been reading your blog, I have not only seen a fabulous transformation in your body and mind. But you have also become such a good writer. Keep this up, it’s he bees knees :p
Amazing Tara! Thanks for sharing this from your heart. love it!
Awesome post. This was my first time to your blog, directed here by msgigglepuss. My highest weight was 270, and I’m about 170 now. So I am you in a way. I’ve maintained now for over two years, but prior to that I had lost and regained 100 pounds twice. I don’t know why. I definitely still don’t have a handle on the emotional aspect of why I was 270 in the first place or why I regained the loss twice in the past. Maintenance is hard. I fight every day and have had slips up and down over the past two years. Why? I have no idea. I truly had an idealic childhood. Privileged, loved, never abused in any way. Definitely some genetic tendencies towards obesity in my family, but I was always educated about food and health (my Mom is a registered dietician). Anyway, I wish I had some answers on the emotional front. Thanks for this post.
[…] get rid of both at the same time. I read a very inspirational post about this same topic by Tara at 263 and Counting, and it just really hit home for me. Maybe not in the same ways as it did for Tara, but still. Her […]
[…] after reading Tara’s post on emotional vs physical weight, and knowing how much it hit home for me, I decided that today I was going to start my new […]
Thank you Tara, for your candor. I am fighting this battle myself, tho you sure have me beat in physical pounds! I have been working with a therapist, and even though I’ve only gone down a couple of sizes, I feel sooooo much better about myself, my past, and my future. I haven’t been binging, and I actually smile at myself in the mirror.
I have a feeling as I get smaller, other things will come up, but I shall fight my way through those too.
Keep at it, be strong, and mother that little girl inside.
Wow.
[…] the same lines (at least in my head), How much do you weigh emotionally? Despite what I feel are efforts to make an even better me, I can still see the physicsdiet graph on […]
I stumbled over here from nomorebacon.com and am so glad I did. I’ve honestly NEVER thought of “emotional weight”. Thank you for enlightening me, and helping me look inside myself. I don’t know you, but I love you for all you’ve been through and who you are.
So glad I found your blog!
Love the letter to your body….it made me cry.
What a great inspiration you are…….
Wow. I’m finding it hard to write anything because my mind is laughing from reading how you cry at Starbucks when buying a Pumpkin Spiced Latte and I’m reeling with the pain I feel for what you have endured. But I can gather my wits enough to say that by sharing this post you have solidified my resolve to work even hard on my dual course of action: 1) do the work to lose the physical weight and 2) to NEVER give up on or dismiss the importance of unraveling the emotional layers that build the fatty insulation/hidey-place.
I hope you take a moment to embrace yourself and rejoice in all that you are releasing, discovering and becoming.
How much do you weigh emotionally? Are you hoping the physical weight loss will take care of everything? Are you wondering why you can’t lose the weight? Are you protecting something you’re afraid look at? What are you shielding?
[…] this journey is nothing new. I do it all the time. In fact, just two days ago I wrote a post about emotional weight and in that post I showed a nearly naked (okay all the way naked but posed precariously) of what I […]
An absolutely amazing post Tara. I’m struggling with this myself. While I can look in the mirror and see a different me, I often still feel like my old fat self. Simply losing the weight is not the “be all, end all” solution, there is so much more to it than that. Coming to terms with our deeper mental & emotional problems can be a much longer and more difficult process than losing the weight ever was.
So glad you hit publish.
Losing the emotional weight is much more hard to do. I’m glad you’re doing it though. I can’t wait to see the amazing woman you are a year from now.
I heart you, boo.
[…] it was because I couldn’t get Tara’s post out of my mind for days after reading it, but she made me realize that I couldn’t just expose […]
Wow…what a powerful post!
[…] preface this post by saying I am extremely grateful for all the comments on the last three posts. “How much do you weigh Emotionally“, “Exposing myself to the world” and “Fear of making goal weight” […]
[…] also realized to reach that goal you not only had to drop the physical weight, you had to drop the emotional weight. You realized there was fear in making goal weight and when you began to listen to your heart, you […]
[…] first came to know about the 33 different kinds of awesome that is Tara after reading this post “How much do you weigh emotionally?″ No matter where we end up physically there is still the emotional weight that won’t be shed, […]
I read this and immediately felt hungry :((
I have so much emotional fat thanks for the story, I now understand how everything works