This is a life long journey.
Some days I am prepared to fight the good fight. I eat consciously. I move consciously. I live consciously. Other days I feel like crawling into the refrigerator and eating my way through every emotion I’m trying to forget. Some days I want to sit on the couch, deaden the feelings and slip into the background and be unseen.
I’d like to say this week has been the former.
But it’s been the latter.
My emotional plate has been over flowing and in turn it has made the plates from which I eat over flowing. I’d like to point the finger at the recent holiday season but what I need to do is point the finger at who is to blame: ME. I’m eating mindlessly. I’m eating often. I’m eating when I’m not hungry. I’m eating because I’m bored. I’m eating because I’m sad. I’m eating because I’m frustrated. I’m eating because my relationship with my husband has been a little strained. I’m eating because (insert whatever the fuck you want here cause it’s causing me to eat).
I try making excuses that it’s okay.
“I’m still under goal weight”
My initial goal weight was 170 and today it’s at 167. Granted I’ve been able to maintain the weight loss for the last two months but 170 was just an arbitrary number. I felt really good when I was at 162 and I would like to shoot for 160. Over the last two weeks it’s been steadily creeping closer to 170 and I don’t like the way it feels.
“I’m trying to eat intuitively”
Eating intuitively means eating when you’re truly hungry and not based on emotions. This has not been happening. I’ve been eating purely out of emotion more often than not. While I wouldn’t say my panic around food has been at an all time high, it’s been pretty high up there. I’m still packing more food than I probably need and instead of making it last throughout the day I’m eating it all within a few hours.
“I’ve lost 105 pounds so I deserve to eat”
I can fit into a small shirt (so I deserve to eat). My pants are loose (so I deserve to eat). I ran 7 miles (so I deserve to eat). I didn’t eat any chocolate (so I deserve to eat).
But to be honest, it comes down to my emotional well being isn’t well and it isn’t too much being right now. I’ve put myself into a position of being stressed out, over worked and once again turning to food to help cope with the emotions.
Yes, I am aware it’s happening and so I’ll pat myself on the back for that. Yes I am emotionally stronger and more consciously present than I ever have been so I’ll pat myself on the back for that too. Again, I know how I feel today (this week, this month) may or may not be the way I feel tomorrow (next week, next month) but just once I would like to wake up and say to myself “This is the end of my emotional journey” and be done with my feelings.
A life long journey…
That some days I wish I wasn’t on.
This might be the suckiest part of this whole weight loss battle. I’ve lost it all before and gained it back because I thought goal would be the end and I could finally be normal. But I think the truth is, we never get to be “normal.” If we work hard, we get to look normal on the outside and fight our demons on the inside, instead of wearing a fat suit of dysfunction. It’s not fun and it’s not easy but it’s a lot more fun and a lot easier than trucking through life with 100 extra pounds. You can do this. One day, one hour, one decision at a time. You’re already doing it.
I was very happy to see you pat yourself on the back toward the end of your post, because as I know you know, recognizing the problem is a BIG (the biggest) part of fixing it.
For me, I am an addictive personality type, and I just try to replace one obsession with another. Is it the healthiest move? Probably not. But rather than obsess over eating food, I’ll try to obsess over exercise for a while.
It definitely sucks for those of us who are on this path forever. Just remember how far you came, and no matter what happens, you have still come this far, regardless of the bumps and dips in the road ahead.
We all go there. You’re not a failure, you’re human. This is NORMAL. There will never be an “all done” place. Life is about change. You’ll get through this. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.
Miss Tara – I’m so proud of you for staying ON the path, regardless of the mini steps to the side. Your effort and awareness are inspirational to so many but more imporantly they are your prize for finding the courage to move through this journey…one foot in front of the other. Keep moving, keep breathing and please continue to acknowledge yourself with LOTS of pats on the back. You deserve every one of them! LOVE YOU!
Tara, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t experience a setback or two throughout your life. The important thing you’ve done is recognized it, stated it, and know what to do to get back on the path/wagon/track you’ve been on. If this happened three years ago, what would you have done? I imagine that answer doesn’t match what you will do now.
You can do it, girl. We have faith in you and more importantly, you have faith in YOURSELF.
Me too, Tara. Me too. Sometimes the hard work and the emotions and the fact that we have to do this for the rest of our lives? Really sucks. So I’m just here to say me, too.
But also? What is the alternative? (Yeah, I HAD to say that. lol)
I am going through an emotional exorcism of sorts, because I too have reached the end of my rope with all the emotions that go along with weight loss, because that aspect is now hindering my progress. I will keep you posted, maybe what I am doing might help with your stuff too…
I’m realizing that the path isn’t like the road in the picture. Its a 12 lane freeway. People are on it with us. Some are broken down, some are flying by only to crash in front of us, and some are just cruising along. They occasionaly drift from one side to the other. The nice safe middle lane isn’t where everybody travels. We veer off, and occasionally we need somebody to honk and let us know that they’re paying attention. It keeps us from breaking down with the others.
I’m proud of you. I know the other crap that comes with this can really put strains in other parts of life. I’ve been there before and it’s cost me dearly. It’s also opened up a world of oppurtunity.
So steady out that car sister. There is a group of vechicles in front of me that I love to follow. I think they know where they’re going. I like to think they are. Virtual hug.
There isn’t much to say except that we truly have all been there and back and I hope you are back on tomorrow/next week/soon. You have done amazing things and I hope you take a teensy more time to do a little more patting yourself on the back…you deserve it!
Definitely pat yourself on the back. These are very hard things you have gone through and are trying to accomplish. There are always going to be snags on the way to greatness.
You are already on the path.
I know that my comment is at risk for coming across wrong, so if it reads that way, I give you my sincere apologies… but THANK GOODNESS you feel that way! It IS hard. It IS a struggle that when the shiny newness of a new goal wears off, what is left is the rugged struggle. Don’t get me wrong, I’m am very sorry that there is a struggle for you. It’s just that you are such an inspiration – such a “superhuman” force who has achieved what most people fail at – that if YOU have these issues, it means there is hope for the rest of us too. The fact that I can recognize that your feelings of wanting “off” are normal and that you are to be commended for sticking with it even when things are hard… that gives me permission that I’m not a failure for feeling the same way. That just because I struggle doesn’t mean I’ve failed, but that I’m experiencing the same emotions as someone who I admire. You give us hope, and for that I THANK YOU.
Just got this from the folks at ChiLiving:
Many great intentions never come to fruition because the idea has a great send off, but no follow through. If you kick a ball, it will eventually stop moving, unless you kick it again. Kick the ball means regular, consistent, small taps to keep your ball moving forward. Sometimes the ball will stop, or even be sent backwards by an opponent (think of your inner opponents). Kicking the ball can also get you back in the game if you’ve lost all forward momentum.
-Katherine Dreyer, “The Anatomy of Change”
I often tell myself weight loss, exercising, cycling, running – all of these things – which I love and do all the time are who I am and want I want to be. I feel some much more alive in the middle getting my butt kicked out on the bike or running along the river in a groove and listening to some of my favorite tunes.
I enjoy reading your blog – it seems you struggle with things I have never thought about.
good LORD it is a carnival ride some days huh?
xo
I can understand how you feel. Playing the food debate game in my mind got me a 14 lb gain. The thing here is this Tara. You are AWARE of what is going on right now. You are REAL with it. You are ACKNOWLEDGING it. And I have no doubt you’ll LEARN from it and get past it.
I’m a little late, since you wrote this 2 days ago. Perhaps you’re feeling better by now or maybe you’re still feeling like this. The thing is, I’ve been following you on Twitter and I have been reading about you doing stair climbing challenges, hitting the gym, and considering new endurance events. In other words, you’re living life and taking it all as it comes. Good for you!
I’m always late to the party. I am feeling better 🙂
[…] got a comment from my last post “I want off this Path” that has had me thinking pretty heavily the last couple of days about this LCJ I’m on […]
I hear ya! I definitely have moments like this. When the stress gets too much, when I suffer from anxiety and wish I wasn’t so CONSCIOUS of everything (calories, food, exercise) so I could escape in a big piece of chocolate cake. But in the end I am glad that I don’t just throw everything out the window. I’m glad that I make conscious choices every day that keep me healthy. I never want to go back.
Yes, a lifelong journey but you WILL continue to get stronger. I appreciate so very much your openness and frankness in this post. I can’t say it enough. ((hugs))
Yeah rewards system don’t always work. Last week our church went into a three-day fast. Although our goal was to seek God, it’s also a way to lose some weight. Of course it wasn’t immediate since you really have to fast every now and then to loose something. We were warned about the proper way to break the fast and it is to eat 3 fruits at a time. But when I resumed my regular eating I noticed that I ate more than I used to.
In a way it feels like jogging. I really feel so hungry after the workout that I pig out. Yeah, sometimes the battle to loose weight is unbearable especially when you love to eat. But if you keep on focusing to your goals, you can make it.
It’s ok to loose sight for a while, I know you can do it! You’ve come this far to give up the battle now…