*Deep sigh*
The last three days have been…well they just have been. I am walking around in a cloud of confusion and disappointment. Sadness and anger. I haven’t slept well. I haven’t eaten well. I’m definitely not drinking enough water. The only saving grace is I’ve been to the gym every morning and sweating through my feelings as I tackle another day.
I’ve been with my brother for the last three days and it has sapped any semblance of normalcy out of my life. I need to get that back so I am taking the next three days and leaving him in the hospital so he can think about the decisions that lay ahead of him while I return to my regular scheduled life.
Without going into too much detail, my brother is in a bad place. He’s detoxing from alcohol and is pretty much helpless at this point. No motor skills. Confused. Hallucinating and if you ask me very lucky to be alive (but if you ask him, he may say differently).
I can’t help him any longer. This is his battle. I will return to the hospital Saturday and give him an ultimatum: In patient treatment or I’m cutting off my relationship for good. I will not spend the next (insert random # of months, years) returning to the emergency room to find him hooked up to a ventilator. I won’t watch as he hallucinates that people who are no longer living are standing in front of him as he has non-existent conversations with them.
I will not be a casualty in his war.
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Yesterday I ran a 12.10 mile on the treadmill. I’m going to try and run a mile every morning on the treadmill since I can’t run during the week. I was trying to push myself to run much longer in the previous weeks but it wasn’t working. Knowing I’m only on there for a mile turns it into a game. I got the up to 6.0mph and it was awesome. I was running so fast. It was only for short time (2 minutes tops) but because it was so fast I could bump it down to 5.0mph and feel like I was walking…
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My war wounds are coming along nicely.
This means 2 things for tomorrow’s date with Superman: No Planks and no Captain’s chair! Woot woot!
P.S. Thanks everyone for all the nice comments over the last couple of days. It really means a lot to me. I won’t be able to respond to everyone comments but please know they have been a tremendous help over the last couple of days!
Keep on kicking ass and taking names. I’m routing for you.
I know how painful it is.
My brother was hooked on drugs. I couldn’t have a relationship with him while he was.
I am sorry about your brother…but setting boundaries for your own sanity is an excellent idea.
Hugs to you.
Thanks Chris.
I’m sorry you are going through this with your brother. I hope some good will come of it for him. I’m glad you’re still taking care of yourself. ♥ you.
One of the good things that will definitely come out of it is learning to stick to my boundaries no matter how hard.
Tara, I know that you have a difficult decision that lies ahead. Honestly, I dont envy you. You will be in my thoughts and I hope that what ever your decision, it is well thought out and executed. I was in a very, very similar situation with my father. be strong. not for your brother. for you.
Thanks Ed.
Thinking of you dearie. You are handling the situation with real grace and gusto. Will keep you in mind 🙂 x
Well shoot, that’s super nice of you to say!
Hang in there! Way to go keeping up with the gym. I’m not sure I would have done that. I have a brother with similar “problems”.
I just keep reminding myself that they are his problems. Not mine.
It’s always difficult to lets family members take responsibility for their actions and their lives — especially when addiction is a factor. My nephew has been struggling with addiction for a few years now and it has put my sister-in-law and her family through hell. At some point, you need to let go so that you can live your own life. You are not responsible. And you cannot change him. Change comes from within (you, of all people, know how true that is).
I love that you’re going balls to the wall with your morning mile. I took/take the same approach with my shorter runs. It gives you a chance to crank the speed up without having to worry about endurance. If you love running and want to be come a better runner, I suggest looking into an awesome book called Chi Running or doing some research on ‘running economy’. You’d be amazed at how much affect form can affect endurance, speed, etc!
Thanks for the lead on the book Rachel. I’ve got a hold at the library for it!
Addiction has a way of sucking the life out of not only the person addicted, but everyone around them. I’m relieved to see that you are thinking of you first here. I think that’s the healthiest decision you could make. Difficult? yes. Necessary? yes. I’m sending good vibes your way (and your brother’s)…I sincerely hope this is his “wake up call” and he can start making better decisions.
As far as your running…..Go Tara go! I’ve been trying to hit a 13 min mile and was so happy I got to a 13:07 last night! I think I’m a long way from being able to do a 12! You ROCKeth my dear!
Doing it on the treadmill at that speed is much easier than outside. It wouldn’t be anything close to that outside for sure! Thanks for the kind words too. It is very necessary. I am sure of that.
You are in my thoughts today. Having to make that decision is not easy, but know that you are not doing it out of cruelty. You are doing what has to be done for survival. Hugs to you.
Thanks for your kind words Kelly. This definitely is about survival.
Tara, setting boundaries – and living by them – is just about the hardest, and healthiest thing you can do with family. I struggle with that with my family, and there aren’t even addictions involved! Good for you for seeing where you are clearly and for being committed to living your life on your terms. And nice job with the morning miles!
Thanks Val..I should have shot you a message to see if you wanted to go run. He’s at Harborview.
Anytime, though hopefully you’ll next be in Seattle under better circumstances!
Tara – you are a woman of widsom and your strength of character never ceases to amaze me. You are without a doubt making the right decision to stay in control of your own destiny and not get lost in your brother’s battle, it would much too easy to lose yourself in it as well and there’s nothing in there for you.
I found myself thinking of that beatles tune “when i find myself in times of trouble…let it be.” You can let it be and press that play button for your life again. You deserve it!
PS – Seriously impressive times on that treadmill woman! Holy smokes – a 12.01 mile and 6.0mph!! Crazy awesome.
Heal those arms up well and take good care of your wise self. – M
You are so right that there is nothing in there for me. I can only lead by example and hope he wants the same thing. I’ll have to download that Beatles’ song. It will give me a good reason to cry while I’m on the elliptical. I mean you know how much I love to cry while on that beast of a machine!
That whole situation is very difficult – we had a close family friend who literally drank himself to death a few years ago. I hope that your brother can overcome this.
Awesome job on the 12:10 mile, keep up the great work! 🙂
That’s pretty much what my brother is doing too. The good thing is I just won’t be a part of that anymore.
[…] After three long days of being at the hospital I decided I needed to get back to some sense of normalcy. I ellipticalled, I stair climbed, I sit uped, I ran a mile…oh and I pushed the tire tractor […]