I have had a lot of Demons.
We all have them. They manifest themselves in different ways but the function of them is the same: Too keep us from moving forward and finding the true meaning of SELF. My Demons come came in many forms. As a young child it was my mother telling me I needed to be better than my brothers in everything I did because in her heart she knew she had failed in raising them and I was going to be her one true success story. I wanted to do anything I could to make her happy. I truly believed she didn’t love my brothers and the only way she was going to love me was if I was perfect.
I was the perfect child.
I didn’t complain about being a latchkey kid at the young age of 5 because she was sitting in a dark room with other adults drinking their lives away. I didn’t complain when I attempted to make brownies for her birthday almost every year and she never came home because whatever was happening at the bar was more important on that day. I didn’t complain when she would take me down to the bar multiple times during the week and sit me at a table for three hours in the restaurant portion, alone, so that she could feed me dinner while she continued to drink until I would either walk myself home the 2 miles or fall asleep at the table. I didn’t fight back when she would come home drunk and tell me that I’m just like my brothers and out of no where take her anger out on my physically. I didn’t complain because I started to hate myself. It was my fault. Nothing I did was good enough. If I had just tried a little harder, she would have loved me, wanted to spend time with me at home and I would have been her success story.
Demons attached themselves to me as a child.
They followed me into adult hood.
Those demons tell told me I’m never going to be good enough to earn the love of someone else. They tell told me that no matter how hard I try I will would fail. They tell told me I didn’t deserve to have friends who cared about me unconditionally. They convinced me that I was meant to be alone, fat and isolated from my surroundings. The demons showed me their faces in the form of suicide attempts, drug addictions, spousal abuse, depression and obesity. I hold held on to these demons as if they were my lovers. I am was afraid to be without them. It is was all I knew. I am was alive because I have had those demons to tell me that they are were the only ones that loved me. The only ones that understood. For 35 years I held on to those demons for dear life…
I was afraid to let go.
I was afraid to live.
When I started this LCJ those demons were strong and they had themselves clenched so tightly to me I couldn’t see any outcome except failure. I had to start small because any attempt at something bigger than walking up a flight of steps or substituting water for a diet coke would have never been tried. My demons made sure that every time I did something good for myself, they were there to whisper in my ear “it doesn’t matter because no matter what you do it will not be good enough”
I kept keep moving. I kept keep fighting. I kept keep telling the demons to shut the fuck up because I wanted need this change more than anything I could can remember. I wasn’t trying to earn the love of someone else. I was am trying earn the love of myself. Slowly but surely those demons fell away one by one.
Making room for the Angels in my life.
My life is no longer held back by demons determined to keep me miserable, obese and isolated. But rather pushed forward by the Angels that have come into my life to show me that I am worth something. That I am worth loving. That even in failure there is success. That I am stronger today than I’ve ever been. That I can accomplish anything no matter what those demons try to whisper in my ear. Never in my adult life have I ever wanted to leave the confines of my home / work and pursue friendships…now I want it more than anything. I look people in the eyes. I speak from my heart. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable because in doing so with the world around me, I am making myself stronger to fight the demons that try to pull me down. The Angels in my life show me that no matter what happens, they love me.
In all my imperfections…
They think I’m perfect.
You have those demons. I know you do. They may not tell you the same thing mine told me year after year but they have the same affect on you as they did on me. They are killing you. Emotionally, mentally and maybe even physically. When your life is full of demons, you can’t see the Angels waiting to help you move forward. We’re out here. We want you to let go and get healthy. We don’t want you to be obese or depressed or isolated any longer. We want you to live.
I never thought those demons would leave my side. I thought we’d be together forever. They still come by every once in a while and they quickly bring me down and take me back to that small child waiting for her mom to tell her she’s perfect. Except now when it happens I have an army of Angels with their arms wrapped tightly around me and whispering in my ears “Let go, and live…”
Are you ready to let go?
You have come such a long way. I am really proud of you!
Thanks Vinny and thank you for being one of my Angels
I agree with vinny! You have come so far and it has been a pleasure to see such an awesome change 🙂
We’ve both worked really hard to get where we are Miss Molly. I would also like to say it’s been so freaking awesome watching your journey as well. Thank you for being one of my Angels.
such an amazing and RAW post.
it really is so often the fear of letting go…of losing the demons…of the pain we KNOW vs the pain we do not that keeps us mired in the muck.
youre so inspiring…as Ive told you before.
carla
Thank you so much Miz. This journey has been one RAW emotion after another for me. For the first time in my life I’m not afraid to face those demons and you can bet your hot guns not afraid to finally let them go. Thank you for being on of my Angels!
Girl, I am SO ready to let go and to listen to the ANGELS instead of the demons. I am with you in discovering, ever so slowly, that there are more of the former than the latter. And you know what Dr. Seuss said; “those to mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.” Paraphrasing, but the point is the same – the people who matter? They are the ones who love you and encourage you and lift you up and push you and, sometimes, give you a swift kick in the rear when it’s what you need. I’ll take THOSE companions on this LCJ anyday. Awesome post, T.
Thanks Val…It’s a little overwhelming to wake up one day and find your life so full of love you’re not sure what do to. But I’m having a great time figuring it all out. Thanks for being one of my Angels!
Word to this entire post. We have so much in common and I’m so glad I know you!!! Keep on fighting the good fight girl, I’ll be here on this journey with you.
Bobbie, I think you’re my twin sister from another mother. Parallel lives with outstanding endings! Thanks for being one of my Angels.
Tara, you bring me joy. Thank You for that.
As do you Miss Rita, as do you. Thank you for being one of my Angels.
gosh, such a warm fuzzy we’re all having here. I guess even the tough girls have to be squishy sometimes.
Wow..this post really moved me. I am so ready to let go..and you are such an inspiration, seriously.
<3 Rock on, girl!
Let me be one of your Angels and tell you…
It’s time to let go April.
T- Let go and live… because you ARE perfect, flaws and all. Being human means we have flaws, its all about how we view them (not as failures but opportunities), accept them, or/and learn from them. Love you T.
I love you right back Natali! You are definitely one of my Angels!
yea, been there.
I let go awhile ago. feels good.
there are simply some things you can’t go back and fix. so you either holdon to them or let them go.
They weren’t your choices. They weren’t your decisions. They weren’t your mistakes.
The not good enough, it wasn’t on your part.
It was on hers.
You’ve been better than good enough.
you’ve had to overcome more than your average person.
That makes you above average.
excellent in fact.
Nice knowing you.
I’m learning to put it back on her now. Thank you Chris for being one of my Angels.
wow. I have tears in my eyes. Because I can relate. Not in exactly the same way, but I can relate nonetheless. We do all have our demons. I spent most of my life pretending they weren’t there and then suddenly I would be overloaded with confrontation (which usually meant a big long crash). Trying to find protection and love in the form of food, sex, drugs, alcohol, physical abuse. There is a feeling of mourning when you realise how much time and energy you wasted on something you definitely DIDN’T deserve. And then freedom! But I’ll always be sensitive to others stories, because I find myself in them. I’m still consoling that little girl. I probably always will be.
Thanks Tara! You are an amazing woman who deserves love, friendship, caring, understanding, all of it!
I’ve been doing a lot of mourning lately. I never thought I’d have to mourn the old me to begin to accept the new me. This journey is perplexing. P.S. thank you for being one of my Angels.
hmmm, good point. It’s hard to think about the day that I’ll feel like all the bad is gone. But I’m trying.
It may never be that all the bad is gone…I’m not sure it will be for me either. What we need to do is learn to let it go so that it stops dictating who we are at this very moment and who we envision ourselves becoming in the future. You just keep trying…You just keep living…And let the Angels in.
I have definitely been letting go. Its a strange and wonderful feeling. I’ve been calling it “making space”. I’m making space for new things in my life, and new “angels”. I count you as one of them my friend.
Have I told you yet today I’m proud of you?
Making space is exactly what we are doing! We’re making space in everything! Our hearts, our minds…even our clothes! I thank you for being one of my Angels!
We have a lot of the same demons. Wow.
I’m so glad I found your site! I look forward to *hopefully* becoming one of the angels in your life 🙂 and vice versa!
The fact that you’re here, makes you an angel!
Wow, that’s quite a story Tara. You’ve overcome more than most, and you’ve come out the other side with a bright shining smile on your face! You’re a huge inspiration, and your positivity is contagious.
Keep up all the great work you’re doing. You don’t have to be perfect. You are good enough. You are a beautiful person, and worthy of being loved.
You are you, and I think you are pretty swell 🙂
[…] smaller. NINETY POUNDS!! It wasn’t always easy to look at the the person looking back at you. You were still fighting your demons (and still do today) but even your 270 pound mentality couldn’t deny that you were happier […]
Thank goodness for those angels! I have them in my life, too and it is a blessing. I definitely have demons, too.
Tara,
I’m really new to the blogging thing, and I’ve just started reading your blog. I’m not one of those “dive right into the middle” kind of readers. I like to go all the way back to the beginning and read up to the present, and see how far people have come. This post made me so happy for you, because you’re able to fight your demons. I’m still working on that–I’m not quite ready to let go of (or acknowledge?) them. While I was reading, I was listening to Pandora, and this song called Time Lapse Lifeline by Maria Taylor came on. There’s a line that goes “you were dead like the leaves, now you’re new like the springtime”. I’d never heard that song before, and probably every time I listen to it now, I’ll think of you–you’ve basically resurrected yourself. It’s amazing.