I’ve had a bad week.
I am overwhelmed by so many things right now I’m having a difficult time seeing anything good in what I’m trying to do as a person, a wife, a friend, an athlete and as someone trying to lose weight. I don’t know if it’s because I crossed over the fifty pound mark or because I’m thinner today than I have been since my mid twenties. I don’t know if it’s because I no longer medicate myself with paxil or don’t delve into World of Warcraft for eight hours in hopes of riding through an emotional upheavel. I don’t know if it’s because of the pressure to make the right choices and keep moving forward or because I’m stressed about a portion of my work coming to an end for the summer. I don’t know if it’s because I’m feeling weak when I go to see Superman lately or if it’s because I just feel like I’m not doing enough.
Whatever the reason, I am at a breaking point.
I’ve been crying everyday.
When I get up.
When I leave the house.
When I get to the gym.
When I get to work.
When I’m driving home.
I feel like I’m pushing myself just to function. This is not where I want to be right now. However, it is where I am and unless I do something about it, nothing is going to change. I should have listened to the Universe last Tuesday once the gate to the cryfest was opened but I didn’t, so today Universe stepped in again…
I got hurt.
I was at the gym today with Superman and wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing and rolled my ankle. Bad enough that I heard a “pop” when I went down in a tangled mess of clumsiness. I probably should have stopped right there and ended the session. I didn’t. We took it easy the rest of the time but my ego was just as hurt and I didn’t really evaluate the pain in my right ankle as closely as I should have. Now it’s swollen, painful and doesn’t look to be getting any better any time soon.
Ummmm thanks Universe?
As I was crying in the gym shower, I realized I need to take a break. My life is too hectic right now and I’m not finding pleasure in anything. Not even the gym which is usually where I find the most comfort. As hard as it is for me to say this, I need to step back, unplug and relax. Just thinking about it upsets me. Not because I think it’s the wrong thing to do but because I’m trying so hard not to beat the crap out myself emotionally for taking a few days to recoup / reevaluate / readjust.
I feel like I’m giving up but that doesn’t make any sense.
If someone wrote the exact same thing or told me they were going to take a few days off to get back to a strong mental state of awareness I would think “That’s spot on! That’s exactly what I would do”. But here I am and my mind is screaming “Weak! Lazy! Told you, you couldn’t! You’ll never lose another 50!”
I can’t get it to shut up.
I know I will survive this episode. It’s a part of the healing process, the learning process and the process to moving on. Today it just sucks. Instead of trying to cover up what I’m feeling, I’m going to do my best to embrace it. I am going to unplug. I am going to relax and I am going to recover.
Here’s the plan:
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I am not going to the gym until Monday. I don’t care if it kills me and if Stinkin Thinking Tara wants to kick and scream all day in my head and call me names I don’t give a flying fuck. If I do go to the gym it will be to check out the Yoga on Sunday at 1030a. That’s it!
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I am going to unplug from the rest of the world. No blogging until Monday.
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I will not have a weigh in on Saturday.
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I will not log my food (though I will stay conscious at all times).
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When I wake up in the mornings, I will stay in bed for at least another 30 minutes.
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I will nap at least once this weekend
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I will allow one indulgence this weekend (once I figure out what my definition for indulgence is).
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Every time I look in the mirror I will say something positive about what I’ve accomplished in the last 5 months.
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I will ice my ankle and do what is necessary to heal properly.
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I will not talk bad about the injury.
That’s the plan.
What’s yours?
See you later Monday!
You are perfect! and you are right where you are supposed to be, doing and experiencing what you are supposed to be doing and experiencing. The hardest thing, at least for me, is to just trust that and to not try to change, cajoole, fix or otherwise alter or interfere with what the universe has set out for me. You are doing the right thing and I KNOW you will accomplish all of your goals. Never give up!
xoxo
leslie
<3 Thanks Leslie.
I think it is wise for you to take a break. Emotionally, losing 50lbs and changing your life is revolutionary. Even though we are with ourselves during the process of all this change, it takes time for the emotions to catch up.
CK recommends a maintenance period once you reach gold. I know, I know. The first thing I said when I saw that was, “But I have so far to go! I don’t want to stop now!” But maybe it’s time you reconsider it and take a maintenance break. Allow your emotional self to catch up with all the wonderful progress you have been making. You are most certainly NOT the same person you were 4 months ago and that is a HUGE shock to the ego. At least, for me, it leaves me with feelings of, “well, now how do I define “me?” This might be a good chance to find out.
I’m all for your plans this weekend :). I think they are a very healthy response to stress. Just don’t make your one indulgence fried, cheesy, bacon potatoes and 2 giant martinis…cuz man, that was bad. LOL.
Much love,
Rinn
Hmmmmm Fried Cheesy Bacon Potatoes!!!
Hard to resist.
And you are right about not being the same person I was months ago. I think that’s the root of the problem.
I think we are having parallel weeks.
“It is where I am and unless I do something about it, nothing is going to change.” This is how I’m feeling today too. I had to leave my office today – couldn’t control the crying in front of people anymore, so I knew it was time for a break. I’m proud of you for recognizing you need to take a break from everything, step back and recollect. That’s what I’m trying to do with my afternoon, and likely my weekend. I don’t know why or where its coming from, I just know I have to deal with it. We’re smart like that.
Enjoy your unplugged, no gym, no weigh-in, all Tara weekend.
I will talk to you next week sometime when we likely be in an improved head space with less tears?
What is up with the universe Meegan? Here’s to getting emotionally better and then tackling life head on like we were meant to do!
Girl, you said it all. If a friend came to you with this situation, what advice would you give her? Exactly. I will be sending some “shut up” vibes to the inner bitchy-voice you got goin’ on there, and you can do the same for me. In the meantime, don’t just rest…REVEL in it. Maybe get a massage. THANK your body for what it has carried you through these last five months. THANK yourself for KNOWING (even though the heart lags behind the brain sometimes) that you are GOOD and STRONG and WORTHY and an ATHLETE and a RUNNER and a KICK-ASS BLOGGER. Cuz, well, you are, you know.
Thanks Val, what you said is so right on! And if you could come on down and kick the hell out of that IBV that would be awesome!
My ass-kicking services are always available…for a small fee. T-town isn’t that far away, after all! 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your injury, and I think you’re absolutely right to take some time off, unplug, and recharge.
I wonder if your emotions are coming to the forefront right now because your mind is trying to catch up to all the amazing weight loss you’ve had. Sometimes self doubt creeps in when we wonder if we’re going to be able to sustain/continue the weight loss success that we’ve already had.
I think this emotional break down has everything to do with my mind catching up to the body. It’s been a long time in coming and with it is the self doubt.
I’m going to be working on this for a while.
Enjoy your rest days, you deserve it for all your hard work.
When I read you rolled your ankle, I twinged….that is my worse nightmare and ankle issues are not fun!
You are a wonderful person and inspiration, keep it up.
Remember – You are Worth It!
🙂
Thanks Ivie…
I roll it pretty often (at least once every 8 months or so).
Hopefully I’ll have 8 months to get these ankles stronger lol.
Tara, This journey… It’s about you. You have changed your whole life…for you. I just wanted to say thank you for letting me have a peek into your life. You, above all other blogs I read, lay it out there more than anyone else. I love that. Take your time. If Monday gets here and you need more time, take it. Remember, you have changed. You arent the same person that you were On December 28th. Dont beat yourself up.
Dear Tara,
We can do this.
Love, Mind and Body.
I’d rather Superman beat me up…so I’m gonna take a break from doing it myself!
Rest up my friend. It seems like you’re battling some pretty heavy burn out. The same happened to me because I was ‘too scared of what might happen’ if I took a few days off to recharge and rest my body.
Guess what happened?
I felt better.
And it made me stronger.
NOT WEAKER.
Hang in there. <3
I think burn out is definitely true.
Not in the physical sense.
Mental burn out for sure!
Feeling better already and ready to fight it through!
I know that feeling of if I take a break then I of myself as weak and whatnot. It sucks that you rolled your ankle, its one of those injuries that mess up everything for you. I’m glad that your going to relax-you need it- I need it too. Hopefully when monday comes you can get back on the horse and kick some bootay. Have a great weekend tara 🙂
Couldn’t wait until monday so wrangled me up a horse to get on!!! Now on the hunt for booty to kick!
Hang in there. Hugs from Omaha!
Rest and rest well.
Thanks Sarah!
[…] had a plan of action put in place […]
Sending you a heck of a lot of love and good karma!
First off, I’m glad you’re listening to the Universe and taking some time off. If we push ourselves when we’re not enjoying it, it turns into a total gong show. I wish I had some advice for how to get out of the slump, but I’m afraid I don’t. All I can offer is some good ol’ fellow slimmer love and some good thoughts heading your way!
[…] The 2teens remember the day you signed up for this 5k. It wasn’t the original one you signed up for (that was coming in June) but you couldn’t pass up the opportunity when it was offered by your friend Elizabeth. It was super scary. But you crossed that finish line and that was the day you called yourself a runner. But that wasn’t all you did in your 2teens. You walked your first half Marathon and then you went and did something down right crazy: You signed up for your first triathlon! They fondly remember you thinking that you might actually like being an athlete and couldn’t wait to see what you came up with next! But it wasn’t all rainbows and unicorns. This was by far the most stressful time during your journey. The 2teens remember the day you got the call that your brother was in the hospital due to his alcoholism. This would mark the first time there was a gain in your journey. You started to realize that stress was a big factor. You pushed too hard physically, you were too hard on yourself emotionally and you got hurt. […]