When I run in my neighborhood I often come across this beauty of advice when crossing the street ——->
As a child we’re taught not to cross the street until we’ve look both to the right and to the left of us, making sure we are in no danger of getting to the other side.
The other side was always our goal. Maybe it was to go to the candy store or the playground. Maybe it was to go to a friends house or to return home after a long day of hanging out on a summer day. We’re always told to look before crossing.
The reason I’m bringing this up is because while on this LCJ I’m learning that I have to look both ways before crossing. The looking isn’t to my left or right any longer.
It’s to my past and to my future.
I can’t look to my future until I make sure my past is safe. It wouldn’t do me any good to look to my future, make sure all is clear to cross only to find myself blindsided by something coming from the other direction. This is extremely difficult at times.
Most times.
Behaviors that I exhibit today are behaviors learned when I was a kid. Eating 6 full slices of french toast as a child left alone to cook for themselves, creates a massive eating disorder full of secrets as an adult. Stealing money as a child in order to buy cans of pie filling for dinner as a child leads to hording cash as an adult for fear of not having the ability to buy food. Perfection forced upon me as a child leads to constant worry of failure as an adult. Being left to fend for one’s self at a young age, leads to the inability to trust as an adult.
The past is a very intimidating thing to cross.
But how can I cross over to my future without looking both ways? I see my “other side”. It looks great over there. So many wonderful opportunities.
Full of moving and running.
Good choices and weight loss.
Love and happiness.
Acceptance and triumph.
Each time I’ve tried before to get over to the other side, something from my past hit me like a ton of bricks and I would go back to where I started. The next time I would be more determined and yet again when I tried to cross, my past prevented me from being successful.
Except this time.
This time I’m looking both ways.
I’m looking to my past in order to achieve my future. I’m afraid to fail so rarely make an attempt to succeed. I’m afraid of not having enough money so I work too much. I’m fearful that people will leave and not take care of me so I trust very few people. I’m afraid of losing weight because then I won’t have the one thing that has protected me my entire life, my fat.
Something funny starts to happen looking both ways.
You can actually cross over safely and successfully.
I write this post today because so many people are struggling with their journey to a better lifestyle. No matter what they try, they just can’t seem to get the scale to move in the right direction. They want to know why I’m having such success? I make it look easy they say. Give me some of what you got they ask. What I got, you don’t want. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (well maybe my worst). What I have done in the past three months while it seems quite the accomplishment has been accompanied with hours of tears, days of doubt and fear, weeks of frustrations and months of determination to cross over the past in order to get to what I clearly see as my future.
Are you being blindsided because you’re not looking both ways?
This is a very powerful post. The recognition and self-insight you have right now is enviable. You are going to get there this time. There is no doubt in my mind.
Thanks Meegan!
What a fantastic post! I in no way think what you are doing is easy, even though you are consistently losing. I’m an avid reader (even if not an avid commenter…I suck lol) and read that you have ups and downs in life just like the rest of us. It’s easy as a reader, old or new, to look over to the right bar and see all of your losses and forget what work you’ve put into those pounds lost. You’re winning your battle and conquering your fears through all of the tears and struggles you WILL get to your goal, I know you will 🙂
Thanks SWF!
What a thought provoking post. I could really visualize that child having to fend for herself and buy her own dinner. No child should have to become an adult before she or he is prepared. Your choice to look at what lead you to your eating patterns is so intelligent. It reminds me of one of my favorite sayings,
“When we know better, we do better.”
All the best.
Thanks Karen for your kinds words. I definitely agree with your favorite saying.
Sounds like you are getting it all together. 🙂 And kudos for not running away from the past. It’s so easy to compartmentalize what’s happened before, but as you said, that can mess us up in the now and soon.
lol, now that I’m not running away from my past I seem to be losing weight. But I thought the act of running was good for you?
I really needed to read this post. Thank you.
Thank you for reading it.
I needed this post this week more than you know. I do need to start looking both ways, and this is a perfect reminder.
While your weight loss has come quickly (compared to mine, for example), it would be silly of anyone to think that it had been easy. Your hard work and determination show in every post you write.
It’s more from people that don’t read this info…silly them for not knowing.
I love this post. Absolutely love it. I believe that you need mental health before you can have physical health. That although physical health/weight loss may bring temporary joys, long-term happiness comes with mental acceptance, most of it dealing with the past (or relationships with important figures in your life). It took me a lot of tears and thinking to realize that most of my eating triggers were caused by my mom. And it has taken me a long time to learn how to deal with it. I’m still learning.
But I’ve finally realized that I’m not happy because I’m losing weight. I am losing weight because I am happy.
And I’m glad you’re looking to resolve the ghosts of your past. Yes, there will be tears. Yes there will be pain. But the light at the end of the dark tunnel is getting brighter and brighter 🙂
Thanks for such an insightful post. You’re wonderful.
So bright I need shades!!!
[…] The 220′s celebrated a milestone: 50 pounds lost. Hard to believe that 5 months previous to this picture being taken you weighed 270 pounds. You didn’t see much of a change in your body but you started to notice that your neck was smaller and I think I remember them saying this is where you discovered your collar bone again. They say this was also about the time you realized that this journey wasn’t just about losing the physical weight but that you had to really look to your past to get to your future… […]
I am fighting tears reading your blog this morning. I see myself. I think not wanting to face my childhood is exactly what’s keeping me from succeeding. I know how to lose weight, but I am struggling with getting going. It seems like every good calorie day I have, I have 3 bad calorie days. I know what to do, but am sabotaging myself. I know there is a better life for me. I’m tired of being 250lbs. I’m tired of being lazy. I’ve been back in the gym for 3 weeks, but every day is a struggle. I’m tired of being tired all of the time. I want to be a runner. I want to run marathons. I want to inspire my kids to move. My bad eating habits are what my kids are picking up. I do not want them to struggle with their weight because of the bad eating they have seen me do. I’m making small steps in that direction. I’m cooking a lot more veggies & on the weekend we are spending a lot more family time outdoors at the park or zoo walking, instead of sitting in front of the computer playing WoW. Thank you for sharing. It is very inspiring.