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You never expect it to be you.
When one decides to change their life in profound ways, whether through significant weight loss, changing the journey of one’s path or finally becoming more gender congruent, the last thing you think about is the ending of a relationship. You wake up everyday next to the person that loved you when you were depressed, loved you when you were obese and loved you through all the shit called life and you think “I’m going to take control of my life and I’m still going to love this person that loved me unconditionally”
Until you don’t.
This post has been long in coming. I’ve been afraid to talk about it because I feel so sad about this portion of my journey. I feel like I’ve let my husband down. I feel like I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life with someone that cared about all of me and tossed it aside all because when I look in the mirror I am no longer the person he married. When I decided that being obese and depressed were no longer an option for my life I never in a million years thought I’d get to a point where ending my marriage was going to be a necessary option. You hear the stories, you see the break ups and all the while you tell yourself “that will never happen to me”…
It’s what I wanted to believe.
Then it happened.
Three weeks ago, I made the most profound life changing decision I’ve ever faced: I ended my relationship with Mitch. My husband, my friend and the one person that has been by my side through all the crap I called my life before weight loss and the life I fought for during weight loss. The complexity behind my decision goes way beyond just losing the weight. There is so much more about me and who I am becoming on this journey than just the number on the scale and the miles I put on my running shoes. I wanted more than anything to be happy with my relationship. I wanted more than anything to give him what he deserves. Neither was happening. The time to end the relationship was glaring at me like the headlights on an abandoned highway. I was afraid to leap. I was afraid to leave behind the comforts of what I’ve known to find what I deserved. I was afraid to admit to myself that watching his transition made me long for my own transition…
It took losing the weight, and changing the structure of this body to realize that my whole life I’ve denied a part of me that has longed to be recognized. As a queer woman I’ve always found myself attracted to girls that look like boys. The more boyish they were, the stronger the attraction I had. I thought this was a personal preference. I wasn’t attracted to women that put on make up, wore dresses or whose sole purpose when shopping was to find the perfect pair of high heels. I thought I was attracted to who I was attracted to because well that’s who I was attracted to. Fast forward to spending 14 months losing 120 pounds, watching this body become more muscular and defined, and looking deeply into my soul and I realize it’s not that I was attracted to them….
I wanted to be them.
As my body changed, my state of mind changed. I found myself no longer wanting to be with girls that look like boys but rather girls that look like girls. I don’t want to physically change my gender. I am a woman but it ebbs and flows with a masculine side of me that I think I knew existed but too afraid to acknowledge. Over the past few months my gender congruency (recognizing my masculine side) has become so apparent that I couldn’t live as Mitch’s wife any longer. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t do that to me. It began to feel awkward. Uncomfortable. I love him beyond words but not as my husband. If fucking hurts to realize this and it was so painful to look at him and say “it’s over”. The ending of this relationship isn’t because I don’t love him…
It’s because I do love him.
I don’t ever expect him to understand. Fuck, I’m not sure I fully understand. The only thing I’m sure of right now is that ending the relationship was the right decision for me. My life is chaotic (couch surfing, eating a lot of almond butter sandwiches, trying to find a place to live) and full of uncertainty (what happens to the house, the dogs, the life we had together) but it feels right. In all this chaos and uncertainty also come things of beauty and clarity. Ending my relationship to pursue what feels natural to me has brought opportunity to find love in the most unexpected places. That girl that looks like a girl? That girl that wears dresses and puts on make up? That girl who goes shopping in hopes of finding the perfect pair of shoes?…
She’s out there.
I don’t know what the next couple of months look like as Mitch and I try to remain cordial through the separation process. The urge to weigh myself and restrict my food is strong in my body as I fight to remember that the decisions made are because I love me (and him) and not because I’m a horrible person. Sleep is finally coming back to some semblance of normalcy. After three weeks of staying with my dearest friend Jess, I finally have a place to lay my head down at night on a bed that’s mine. Much needed routine is returning and above all else…
I am more me than I’ve ever been.
And now, you’ve hit publish — what an amazing journey you continue to be on, Tara.
I cannot imagine how hard everything has been for you — but you are so right. Losing weight is not just about the weight, it is really truly learning to be honest with who you really are. <3 u
Love you so much! So proud of you for living your truth even though it’s a painful process. xoxo
I’d say congratulations on realizing who you are…but those words might be a bitter pill to swallow given the pain you feel over this metaphorical fork in the road. I applaud your honesty to be true to yourself despite the fact that in that, you have to hurt someone else. Just remember to take a deep breath and know that you aren’t a horrible person. You are *you* and that needs to be celebrated too.
LOVE. Tara, you are amazingly clear and eloquent here, heartbreakingly so. When I was a very little Marzipanling, I used to obsess about the girly women in my life, and when I first came out, what hit me was the question of whether or not I had been attracted to those women. My process was very similar to yours – at that time, I had adopted a more masculine style of dress because that was what *fit* me and what didn’t draw attention to my weight. I was obsessing about those girls NOT because I wanted to be with them.. but because I wanted to be like them, desperately. I wanted to get all gussied up and have someone in my life who appreciated that in me. It took me a long, long time to figure out all of that, because my sexual identity was locked in with a lot of trauma and impaired body image.
Best of luck.xoxoxoxooxoxxoxo.
Tara, there is such purity and beauty in what you write, as well as honesty and pain. You (again) have moved me to tears reading your post. I wish you all the best, my friend (who I WILL meet in real life next year at Fitbloggin) as you travel on your new path. Much love and hugs to you. Kyra
As usual, you inspire and move me with your relentless honesty, self love and reflection. You are awesomeness personified. And I know it is painful, and a loss. I wish you both compassion and love as you move forward… oxoxoxoxoxoxo
That’s a lot, but it all makes sense. Huge hugs to you, Tara. I’m sorry for the loss of your relationship, but excited for you to find new happiness. Thanks for sharing your story and best of luck on your continued journey. xx
Wow. This was such an amazing post. The more power to you. I hope you find what you are looking for and what you deserve.
I am proud of you Tara! I saw my brother live behind a lie for more 25 years. Last year when I saw him marry the man he loves, I saw how happy he was. Being true to yourself comes first.
xoxo
Such a powerful and I’m sure, painful post to write and publish. I am so happy you’ve taking the leap to making your life exactly what you want it to be. Big GIGANTIC hugs, Tara!!!
I love you. Always.
Tara,
You are amazing and strong and wonderful and totally awesome. I cannot imagine how hard these past few weeks have been for you, but I just wanted to say that I think it is seriously a rockstar move to be so true to yourself, so honest, and to make hard decisions when you know it’s for the best. Not everyone can pull that off, girlfriend…you should be proud. I know it’s hard in a time like this, but I think you should really give yourself a big hug for allowing you to be you.
Love you, Tara <3 Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us.
Another post that hit very close to home for me… Thank you!!
I’ve been struggling a lot, lately – and even though my struggles aren’t *exactly* like yours…they are very similar. You make me want to have the strength you have, you show, you speak of.
I hold a piece of my heart for you. 🙂
Often times there are big reasons behind the food issues. Perhaps food isn’t the problem, perhaps lying about who we are, or pretending to be someone else, or keeping secrets from childhood are the reason we eat. Losing so much weight is life changing in so many ways. I lost over 100 pounds and it changed me a lot. Not all of my friends and relationships made the change with me. I lost some friends, I ended relationships when they were no longer beneficial to my growth. It’s all part of the journey.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I. Love. You.
I can’t wait to meet you. Really. In the meantime, I may be able to “introduce” you to some people & communities if you’d like. Email me if you’re interested (or if you’re not). 🙂
Tara, you are finally starting to live the life you are meant to live. It is really sad that you (and Mitchell) have to go through this period in order to get you where you need to be, but in the end, it’s necessary – as you have figured out.
I salute your bravery and vulnerability. xo
I have tears in my eyes from reading this. Your honesty about your journey is just amazing and inspiring. To thine own eyes be true….and you were. Good luck in your ongoing ever changing journey!
Hi Tara,
Thank you for your honesty and sharing such a personal topic with us. I admire your strength
Sending comforting thoughts your way.
Sarah
Way to hit publish! I’m sure this was one of the hardest posts you have ever written, but you did it! Now sit back and let the support flood in. Because we love you, you’re an amazing person and we are here for you during this.
Good for you for being honest with yourself and Mitch. Even though it hurts, it is the right thing. And you’re not a horrible person, you are a wonderful person for no longer continuing to live a lie.
I love you Tara and I’m sending you a million and one hugs!!
What a powerful post! I’m deeply sorry for the end of your relationship. But it is true that it’s best to be honest with yourself and those around you. Sounds like it would be worse to continue the relationship as is. I hope you find what you are looking for and are able to move on to a better place.
Oh Tara, I can totally identify with this post. I am in almost exactly the same place right now (except that I’m still fat and straight). But I’ve just realized that there is no room in my marriage for the real me – all of me – the me that is being uncovered in my own life-changing journey. As soon as I’m permanently employed and have some money to get a place to live and furniture, I will be leaving my dear, dear husband, who has stood by me through so much. It breaks my heart, but I have to be true to myself. I haven’t announced this to the world at large yet, but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel, even though the details are slightly different.
As for coming out, congratulations!
Being true to yourself is so very hard. But so good for you!
Stay strong! I hope you and Mitch can stay friends and that he accepts you for who you are.
While I knew a little of what was happening to you, I had no idea of the depth. How funny that just a few months ago we were talking about the fork the road. I truly believe you have found the right fork to take in your life now. Remember, you deserve all the wonderful, happy things that are coming to you in life. You are an amazing woman.
That moment when you figured out that your attraction was about admiration? Some of us call that a Do-Be-Do moment… am I attracted because I want to ‘do’ that person, or ‘be’ that person.
I’m one of those people Cheree hinted at, a butch queer coming into my transmasculinity and learning more about who I am and what I want out of life. I live in Olympic and am happy offer butchly brotherhood if you’re interested. And I have a blog called Butchtastic where I often post about gender identity topics.
Best of luck to you on your journey of discovery, wear good shoes.
you are the most brave and courageous woman I know. I’m sorry that this stage in your journey is so painful, but I have no doubt that you’ll flourish and grow even MORE beautifully into the next stage. You are you. I’m overjoyed that you aren’t denying that anymore
love you, always! XO
Wow, Tara. Your honesty and desire to just be yourself is oozing from each and every word of this post and I truly, from the deepest place in my heart applaud you for having the courage. Relationships have been coming up a lot in my work these past couple of weeks and it is such a harsh reality to accept that part of this process is letting go of the relationships that aren’t really serving us the way we deserve. And it takes so much strength, self love and self compassion to be able to stand up and say that you deserve to have everything you want. You do deserve everything you want from life – we all do – and you, my friend, are a shining example of how to do just that.
I can’t even begin to respond in such a way that eloquently tells you how beautiful this post is. I’m sure it’s meaning is far greater for you than any comment left about it.
I hate the phrase “i know what you’re going through” cause let’s be honest, no one ever does. Our journeys are unique, and yet there’s a similarity between them. We’re all searching for a better sense of self.
What I can comment about is my feelings and my emotions on the above post and how you made me feel. Tara, you moved me. I’m a married straight (but not narrow) woman who has never had to face any choices that you have to, but I feel like I’m right there with you. Your honesty, Your openness helps to educate the world as to the struggles GLBT, weight loss, and humans in general have to face. And you face it with such elegance.
Bravo on being brave. Bravo on being in touch with yourself. Trusting in yourself and your own heart is never a wrong thing. You are capable of amazing things.
Tara, I’ve been waiting to read this post for a while and was so moved by what you wrote and the conclusions you’ve come to. On the days guilt may try to seep in, remember the love and courage you’ve shown thus far and will continue to show as time goes on. Blessings on you and Mitch as you negotiate this difficult time and as you continue down this new and exciting path. *hugs*
I have so much to say, but I know that words themselves will do no justice. Not even close. Love you.
There’s not much I can add (your readers sure are articulate and amazing!), except to pipe up and join in the saluting of your courage of your convictions, both in the decisions that you’re making, and in your honesty in sharing them. You’re amazing.
PS. I hate you for setting such a high bar for all the rest of us bloggers. 🙂
Tara…
Brave, brave woman. 3 weeks ago. I can’t imagine where your emotional state was at during Fitbloggin!
I will love and support you through whatever happens next.
<3 you. It's amazing to watch you evolve and finally find the life you are really meant to live after so many years. Bravo my friend. You deserve it.
I love you, and I love this post. You are an amazing person, and stronger than I could ever dream to be.
Love to you, my friend!!! My heart aches for your loss, and yet I am very proud of your self-awareness and knowledge that this journey touches all aspects of you as a person. You DESERVE happiness at every level of your life. I know right now it is hard for you both – but wishing both you and Mitch peace and the warm embrace of love yet to come. XOXOXO
WOW!!! Words escape me!!! #Rare Amazing!!!! Love & Admiration for your strength and courage!!!
Love you LOTS
Dr. Mo
Tara, I just wanted to say that I admire your honesty, strength, and courage. You are truly amazing.
This transformation, this LCJ has not been at all what I imagined. You and I have talked about that before. What we’ve uncovered are people who understand the importance of living authentically. When we find the way to live our lives in the ways most true to who we are we find the most incredible happiness. I am blessed that our LCJs have found their ways intertwined.
Thank you for being a part of my unexpected happiness.
Thank you for being honest about your journey and for sharing it with us.
Thank you for being true to yourself and making the tough decisions.
Thank you for all of you.
Love, M
Oh, Tara.
Bravo to you for being true to yourself, for doing what it takes to live authentically no matter the pain and confusion it can cause. Thank you for being you. Thank you for showing the rest of us how to live as who we are.
I am continually impressed with your determination, attitude, and your courage to be the person you know you want to be. It is a lesson I would like to learn. Wishing you all of the best as you move forward!! 🙂
Having this conversation with you at Fitbloggin I know it has weighed heavily on you. Seeing growth even if it is apart from someone you care so deeply for is amazing. Congrats on hitting publish and moving forward with being even more fabulous you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I have been reading/lurking for a while now, and even lost you for a bit before I remembered that you had changed ‘homes’. And yes it is pretty!
I have never commented… but had to this time as that was an amazing post!
Like Kim above said ” I am continually impressed with your determination,attitude,and your courage to be the person you know you want to be”…. I feel the same. And wish I had half your courage!
keep smiling that beautiful smile….
I am glad you were able to write about this…such healing taking place!! I wish you (and Mitch) much love and peace as you continue along your LCJ!
As always, your honesty in the process humbles me. It has been and continues to be an honor to watch your evolution take place. The strength you have gained is inspiring and gives the rest of us on our own journy something to hope for. Wishing you all the best as the trip through divorce can be a difficult on indeed. 🙂
So beautiful – my wise friend says that my only job is to tell the truth about me. Thank you for sharing your truth. xoxoxo OOOOO
I feel sad yet happy for you all at the same time. Good luck through this hard time. Hopefully at the end of this part of your journey you and Mitch can stay good friends.
What’s it they say… “The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” Here’s hoping your doors lead you to the happiness you so richly deserve. I’m proud of you.
A life changing journey, indeed. Good for you. Luck!
Wow. This was not an easy post to write nor was it an easy post to read. I wish you the best in the next step of your journey. I hope you and Mitch find peace as you separate. You have done what is best for both of you.
You truly are on one hell of a journey; hope you find the happiness you deserve! If I only had half the courage you show……..
Thank you for your honesty and opening yourself up to your readers. I know it’s difficult, but being true to yourself will make you happier in the long run. I admire you in so many ways.
I was so inspired by you at fitbloggin (a wee bit intimidated as well which is why I was too shy to talk with you) and you continue to inspire me. I started on a weight loss journey two years ago and it has become so much more. This post gives me hope that I will find the strength you have found.