First off let me start this blog by saying it’s a beautiful day here in Halifax. We’ve had quite a bit of rain over the last month (almost double the yearly average for the month of June) and while I do love a good rainy day, the weather has taken it’s toll on my emotional well being. I’m typing this while sitting on my porch (it’s really the first time I’ve got to enjoy it fully since moving in June 1st), coffee in hand and many thoughts running in and out of my brain. I’ve had lots to say but lacked the mental energy to make sense of ideas/opinions/thought bubbles/images and those “oh my goodness this is going to be a great blog post” blog posts petered out before I could even ignite that fire.
In addition to the oh well just fuck it slump I’ve been feeling post Half IronMan and the “Oh man can it please just stop raining for three freaking minutes” the Dowe family (and since I married a Dowe, that would include me) has just welcomed it’s newest itty bitty to the family and that is bringing up much more emotions that I had anticipated (but that might be for another blog post)…
The sun is out, the baby is here and I woke up feeling like maybe I should sling some words.
Fitbloggin13 happened last week.
I miss seeing the faces of my interwebby friends turned in person friends turned holy crap I miss you friends. I was glued to the social crack media of twitter, facebook and instagram as familiar faces popped up with the hashtag #fitbloggin, hugging, smiling…hugging some more. I longed to be there and feel at place with people that understood what it’s like to struggle with self acceptance, self love and the close knit companion: weight loss.
I chose not to go this year because of the Half Ironman race and more importantly because my beautiful niece Amers is getting married in September and returning home (or the close vicinity) just wasn’t financially possible…so something had to go and it was an easy choice.
I loved seeing all the pictures. I was living vicariously through the hashtags…I felt like I was smack in the middle of all the goodness that is Fitbloggin…
Until I wasn’t.
I thought long and hard about whether to voice my “opinion” over the Voodoo Donuts pictures that were all of a sudden popping up on my social media list of “oh man I wish I was there” pictures. Donuts covered in maple and bacon. Donuts covered in oreo cookies. Donuts covered in froot loops, capt’n crunch and m & m’s. I tried not to judge. I tried not to let it upset me. I tried not to let the “I’ve gone back twice and now I’m going back for a third time” or “I’m standing in line at 10p and it’s out the door” tweets poke at my “What the fuck are you guys thinking?” opinion forming in my over emotional head.
Talk of love, support and acceptance over a (insert # here) weight gain, followed by a “totally standing in line for a pink box of voodoo” gnawed at me…
I feel like a smuck for judging (or at least forming a strong opinion). But then I realize I’m not judging outwardly. I’m judging inwardly. Someone commented “Everything in moderation” when I “voiced” my feelings about the plethora of donut pictures and it struck me like lightning…
Moderation doesn’t really work for me.
What I should have been saying all along is had I been able to attend Fitbloggin this year I probably would have been one of those people that returned multiple times because my addiction to sugar/processed foods is always at the surface no matter how hard I work to keep it at bay.
I am not without my own “did I just fucking eat that” moments. Half Ironman found me eating poutine for the first time and while it seems reasonable after almost 8 hours of swimming, biking and running, what isn’t reasonable is the Mcdonald’s egg McMuffin I ate the next morning driving home or the second stop I made an hour later to get another Egg McMuffin this time with two hashbrowns followed by a few bags of chips and finally a handshake and deeply needed eye contact with Mimi followed by a “we need to stop” promise to each other.
Here’s the deal: I’m addicted to shitty foods and the food industry knows it.
I can’t just eat something (whatever shitty food I happen to shove in my pie hole) and walk away. There is no such thing as moderation for me. Even having a tad bit of sugar in my coffee sends the chemical messages to my brain to consume more shitty foods. And while I would love to think that the rest of the world can live in a “everything in moderation” frame of thinking, I know this isn’t true. If it were, then there wouldn’t be a need for words like “morbid obesity” or “co-morbidities” in our vocabulary. Moderation today means only going through some fucking drive thru twice a week instead of five and hey maybe ordering a salad to go with that Big Mac and Extra Large Fries instead of stopping to pick up a “pink box” of something or other.
That’s why it upset me. Because I know I’m addicted and I don’t know if I could have politely said “Thanks but no thanks“. I wonder how many others wanted to pass on the pink but didn’t because deep down inside the urge to “use” is more powerful that the ability to resist. “We’re on vacation”, “It’s not like you can find this at home”, “I’ll only eat one”, “why am I buying three?” “Why am I hiding in my room at 11p at night eating this?” “I won’t tell anyone”, “I’ll start again tomorrow, next monday, when I return home”…
I’m lucky in a way to have an intimate understanding of addiction. It’s been well over 20 years since I wandered the streets high on meth, scrounging around looking for enough bus money to get back to Tacoma so I could reset the cycle of lying and stealing to get back to Seattle to get high and wander the streets looking for enough bus money to get back to Tacoma. I will always be a meth head even though two decades has passed since it’s been in my system. 20 years and yet I still know that unless I am diligent about my recovery (meaning I always remember that for the grace of whomever/whatever I survived when many of my friends didn’t) and know that one small step in the “wrong” direction will lead me back to where I never want to return.
For me moderation is that “small step” in the wrong direction. I know eating sugar/shitty food of any kind sets off the chain reaction. A chain reaction that sometimes I can squash after one or two decisions but other times it just goes on and on…
Until I find myself where I don’t want to be.
starting again.
Thanks for posting this. I agree with you completely.
I think that so many people underestimate the power of processed sugar and “junk”. In the last two years I have come to realize that if I have “a little” crap – sugar/junkfood/fast food, whatever – I don’t stop there. It’s better if I stay away from it completely than to try and just have a small amount “in moderation”. Clearly our society hasn’t figured out the whole moderation thing, like you said – otherwise morbid obesity just simply wouldn’t exist.
It’s good that you’re being honest with yourself on this, because a lot of people aren’t. You’ll be better off — and healthier — because of it.
It’s an exciting day to be in our family! Baby P is here! And it’s got me more emotional than I anticipated too.
I have a hard time with this. I love food and I want to be able to say that I’m one of those people who could enjoy a donut and then get back to my usual. But I’m learning that my body (and especially my mind) don’t work that way. One bite, one donut, one taste and that chemical reaction is on and the cravings start up all over again. I’ve learned how sugar affects me (and it’s not pretty) and yet I can’t seem to steer clear of it for good.
What I love and miss about FitBloggin and that magic that happens over three too short days are the love and acceptance and the people who make that magic fairy dust come alive. I would never want FitBloggin to be a place where anyone felt judged in anyway. I would never want anyone to feel like they couldn’t eat whatever they pleased in my company. I just know that for me, what I’m learning is that sugar isn’t my friend and ‘moderation’ is a slippery slope into my brain my wanting more and more and more. But that doesn’t mean I still don’t want to try a damn voo doo donut. And that’s the powerful hold I let it have on me isn’t it?
I have certain trigger food and “aww just fuck it” moments. But I also know if I put any food up on a pedestal as untouchably desirae, then I give it the power to be a trigger or invite a binge. If I can go ahead and give myself enough permission to be mindful and moderate, then I avoid the binge. I would have been the person asking if anyone wanted to split a donut (okay I would have been the one saying “fuck this I am not standing in line”). But the immediately whipping out my portable food scale and accounting for it as best as I could.
The thing that bothered me a bit more is how quickly word spread about these donuts and how “zomg you must try them.” Bothered may be too strong a word…. but you get what I mean. It wasn’t that “found this great healthy reastaurant” and Omg you must try it, but almost like a peer pressure status symbol.
Wow. Seriously you just said everything about moderation, processed foods, sugar, carbs, MAJOR food addiction etc…. that has been running through my mind for the past month. As I come up on the almost 50 lbs off it has been a self realization that at 49 years old my battle is just beginning. As I type this I’m SO full of emotion & near tears because I like you and many others can’t do moderation at all. For me it’s all the way in or all the way out and unfortunately it’s usually all the way in and then 80 lbs overweight later, I found myself miserable and desperately wondering WTH has happened to me. I’ve chosen to see an addiction therapist and meet this head on. My weight management thinks its a good idea because as he said its not just the physical part that needs to be worked on, it’s the emotional, mental side that needs to be addressed and dealt with. Thank you so much for this blog and sharing your journey Tara. Congrats on the new addition. As always you ROCK – and this woman is grateful for your words.
Thank you so much for saying this. I feel the same way. I simply can’t just eat a little. I know that once I break the seal do to speak that it is all over for me.
Rock on. Moderation doesn’t work for me either. I couldn’t agree more with this post! Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for your post! I’m amazed how well you explain my thoughts. 🙂
We missed you and Mimi so much at FitBloggin’ this year! I confess that I did partake a bit in some VooDoo. I had about a third of a plain (in VooDoo terms) chocolate covered Bavarian cream donut. I know people were just raving about how good they were, but I just didn’t think they were anything special, so I didn’t bother eating the rest.
I used to *love* donuts back in the day, but, thankfully, they’ve lost their hold on me. In fact, when we were standing in line waiting to order, I had to move away from the store because the smell of all the sugar was making me nauseous given how hot it was that particular day. All that said, I still have issues with moderation. These days, it just seems to be with healthier foods. I received a full bag of macadamia nuts from one of the sponsors and I’m afraid to open it. I know that once I do, I’ll have an extremely difficult time staying out of them. They’re definitely a better option than the donut, but they can still derail my weight loss efforts just as much.
I will confess that when I first saw your tweets about VooDoo, I felt I was being judged, and it bothered me. I’m glad you blogged about this and shared the why. I’s changed my perception on the situation and opened my eyes to deeper issues within myself. While donuts may not be my “thing” and I didn’t feel compelled to return multiple times, moderation when it comes to food is still an issue for me.
I’m on my phone reading this so I’ll be honest that do to laziness it’ll be a short comment.
People don’t understand me when I say “I can’t have that” they try to convince me that “one time” will be OK. And it won’t. With each starchy snack or sugary dessert I go further down a road that I have to backtrack. It’s like restarting every time.
The game has worn on me… And the battle between “fuck it” and caring gets old.
Its good to know that someone who has (in my eyes) succeeded in weight loss still suffers… Misery loves company. 😉
Love ya Tara. Missed you and Meeg at FitBloggin’… Lots.
You and I have talked about moderation. Remember my “I need to throw away the bread that’s sitting in my pantry” moment? Sugar/junk food is a trigger for me. After my doughnut, I was craving sugar everywhere I went. I wanted dessert. Even Tuesday, I NEEDED some ice cream, something to ease that craving. By Wednesday the need still hasn’t subsided. I found myself drinking a hot
chocolate and I was moody as shit. Moderation doesn’t work for me. I forget that my battle with food will
be never ending. Even if my mind is right, food will always be my drug and I can relapse in a matter of a few bites. I appreciate you writing this blog post. I thought it was over and done with after the doughnut and it wasn’t. I have too much to lose and I have to stop trying to justify sugar. I’m doing whole 30 this month… That should be interesting! Anyway, thank you and sending you and Meegan LOVE!
I replaced drugs with food. Ten years later, no drugs, but sixty pounds heavier, trying to figure it out. In your blog you address such real issues. Thank you.
“Moderation” does not work for ANYONE who has a history of binge eating, emotional eating, or sugar/carb addiction. You will, of course, notice that those on the donut runs, ice cream smorgasbords, and meet-ups at restaurants during that particular conference don’t exactly live fitness-oriented lifestyles.
Moderation only works for people who’ve never been compulsive overeaters; those whom have always ‘eaten to live,’ not those who ‘live/lived to eat.’ Identification and elimination of trigger foods (or anything that is too easily over-eaten; hand-to-mouth ‘snack’ foods that we tend to mindlessly shovel in while socializing or doing other tasks) is what works.
POWERFUL POST!
I read your blog. I processed. I went for a swim. I processed more. I went for a bike ride. I’m ready to respond. 🙂
I was really challenged at Fitbloggin to think about what caused me to become morbidly obese in the first place. That is not a question that I am quite ready to answer. I have some trigger foods (salt especially), but chocolate no longer seems to be one of them. I’m not sure when the switch happened. At Vodoo I did get a donut. It wasn’t amazing. We went back a second time and I didn’t even get one. I was amazed! Chocolate use to be a huge trigger. It no longer is. Well, at least it wasn’t that weekend.
One thing that I love about you is how in tune you are to your body. That is awesome that you are able to recgonize and advoid situations that will lead to unhealthy choices. Thank you, as always, for your honesty in sharing.
You hit the nail right on the head. I don’t have an ‘off’ switch. I eat it because it’s there. I eat it because I want to. I eat it because my mind reminds my taste buds that I LOVE the taste. I don’t need any of it. My head is a crack addict and won’t let me loose. I’m working on it, but damn it’s hard to give up an addiction that literally is in your face 24/7
Thanks for this. I know the feeling too well.
bang… you hit the bulls eye!!!
there is no moderation for me either.. It is a slippery slope. If you can do “all things in moderation” go for it!!! for me abstinence is what works. People call me obsessive, over the top, .. whatever.. when I go over the edge I find myself shoving total garbage crap food into myself
bread and butter .. (it was even stale for crying out loud!!) It is like I get out of control .. over the edge
Donuts, not for me.. my sister lives in Portland so we went there and I chose to pass
a slippery slope
I googled “addiction moderation doesn’t work” and I was expecting (hoping for) a 12-step program about drugs or alcohol that I could apply to my sugar addiction. Instead, I happened onto this blog post from 7 months ago. You said everything I’d been thinking for the past hour. I’d had a CocaCola– the Mexican kind in the glass bottle, made with real cane sugar. It’s my trigger food and my obsession. “Open Happiness.” Why does that advertising slogan ring so true for me? Anyway, after I drank it, there was nothing else sweet in the house. I suddenly remembered a recipe I’d see online, and I put some butter and brown sugar in a pan, and I heated and stirred until it turned into gooey caramel. I couldn’t wait for it to cool, so I poured spoonfuls into cold water, so I could eat it. Suddenly, I became aware of what I was doing, almost as if I was outside my body, watching myself cook up my fix. I had the realization that what I was doing was not any different than a heroin addict cooking a fix in a bathroom. I think that for the first time I get it– like most drug addicts or alcoholics, I can’t do moderation. I need to take this addiction seriously and stop raionalizing. I can’t have “a little” sugar. I’m going to embrace a Paleo lifestyle, and choose health. I’m going to quit saying, “Well maybe just one on Sunday.”