 http://1.bp.blogspot.com
You never expect it to be you.
When one decides to change their life in profound ways, whether through significant weight loss, changing the journey of one’s path or finally becoming more gender congruent, the last thing you think about is the ending of a relationship. You wake up everyday next to the person that loved you when you were depressed, loved you when you were obese and loved you through all the shit called life and you think “I’m going to take control of my life and I’m still going to love this person that loved me unconditionally”
Until you don’t.
This post has been long in coming. I’ve been afraid to talk about it because I feel so sad about this portion of my journey. I feel like I’ve let my husband down. I feel like I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life with someone that cared about all of me and tossed it aside all because when I look in the mirror I am no longer the person he married. When I decided that being obese and depressed were no longer an option for my life I never in a million years thought I’d get to a point where ending my marriage was going to be a necessary option. You hear the stories, you see the break ups and all the while you tell yourself “that will never happen to me”…
It’s what I wanted to believe.
Then it happened.
Three weeks ago, I made the most profound life changing decision I’ve ever faced: I ended my relationship with Mitch. My husband, my friend and the one person that has been by my side through all the crap I called my life before weight loss and the life I fought for during weight loss. The complexity behind my decision goes way beyond just losing the weight. There is so much more about me and who I am becoming on this journey than just the number on the scale and the miles I put on my running shoes. I wanted more than anything to be happy with my relationship. I wanted more than anything to give him what he deserves. Neither was happening. The time to end the relationship was glaring at me like the headlights on an abandoned highway. I was afraid to leap. I was afraid to leave behind the comforts of what I’ve known to find what I deserved. I was afraid to admit to myself that watching his transition made me long for my own transition…
It took losing the weight, and changing the structure of this body to realize that my whole life I’ve denied a part of me that has longed to be recognized. As a queer woman I’ve always found myself attracted to girls that look like boys. The more boyish they were, the stronger the attraction I had. I thought this was a personal preference. I wasn’t attracted to women that put on make up, wore dresses or whose sole purpose when shopping was to find the perfect pair of high heels. I thought I was attracted to who I was attracted to because well that’s who I was attracted to. Fast forward to spending 14 months losing 120 pounds, watching this body become more muscular and defined, and looking deeply into my soul and I realize it’s not that I was attracted to them….
I wanted to be them.
As my body changed, my state of mind changed. I found myself no longer wanting to be with girls that look like boys but rather girls that look like girls. I don’t want to physically change my gender. I am a woman but it ebbs and flows with a masculine side of me that I think I knew existed but too afraid to acknowledge. Over the past few months my gender congruency (recognizing my masculine side) has become so apparent that I couldn’t live as Mitch’s wife any longer. I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t do that to me. It began to feel awkward. Uncomfortable. I love him beyond words but not as my husband. If fucking hurts to realize this and it was so painful to look at him and say “it’s over”. The ending of this relationship isn’t because I don’t love him…
It’s because I do love him.
I don’t ever expect him to understand. Fuck, I’m not sure I fully understand. The only thing I’m sure of right now is that ending the relationship was the right decision for me. My life is chaotic (couch surfing, eating a lot of almond butter sandwiches, trying to find a place to live) and full of uncertainty (what happens to the house, the dogs, the life we had together) but it feels right. In all this chaos and uncertainty also come things of beauty and clarity. Ending my relationship to pursue what feels natural to me has brought opportunity to find love in the most unexpected places. That girl that looks like a girl? That girl that wears dresses and puts on make up? That girl who goes shopping in hopes of finding the perfect pair of shoes?…
She’s out there.
I don’t know what the next couple of months look like as Mitch and I try to remain cordial through the separation process. The urge to weigh myself and restrict my food is strong in my body as I fight to remember that the decisions made are because I love me (and him) and not because I’m a horrible person. Sleep is finally coming back to some semblance of normalcy. After three weeks of staying with my dearest friend Jess, I finally have a place to lay my head down at night on a bed that’s mine. Much needed routine is returning and above all else…
I am more me than I’ve ever been.
Jessi is my best friend
In Real Life.
We met at the gym a while back when Godfather pulled each of us aside and said we had to meet. From there it was a match made in heaven. She loves me for me. I love her for her. She’s an amazing singer. An amazing artist. An amazing photographer. Above all she’s an amazing friend…
She wrote the following post for me.
I’m posting it as a reminder for her.
(Love)
Eating Mindfully
Have you ever sat down to your meal and 10 minutes later you are looking at an empty plate wondering who in the world ate all your food, wishing there was more or actually got up to get another helping? Only to find that once you decided you were finished you were so full that you felt uncomfortable in your jeans that fit 20 minutes ago.
That’s me.
I have a propensity for eating VERY fast, so fast that my tummy can’t catch up and tell me it’s full before I’ve filled it up with twice it’s max capacity. There are a myriad of reasons that I do this and not surprisingly, none of them have to do with me being physically hungry. I eat fast because I don’t want people to see me eat, I feel like they are thinking “Why is she even eating, she could stand to miss a couple meals”.
I eat fast because because as a kid, my brother (who is 6’4 vs. my 5’2) ate more than I did, and if I wanted to get my fill I had to get to the food before he did or else it would be gone. I eat fast because, for some reason that I have yet to discover, I feel like I am going to get in trouble for eating. I also on top of all this feel like I have to eat all my food because I do LOVE the flavor, textures, and smells of my food and I am afraid that I will never have the opportunity to enjoy that particular meal again.
But as of late I have been practicing eating mindfully, I call it sitting with my food. I have been abusing my body by not giving it the time it needs to talk to me, to tell me that it’s full, or still hungry, or even if it likes the particular food I am giving it. It has been a trial because for me it’s not just sitting with my food, it’s also sitting with the self destructive thought patterns I have that go along with my eating.
I am having to learn not only to eat mindfully but also to think positively while I am eating. If a person looks at me while I am eating I have to replace “they think I am to fat to eat” with “Maybe they like my blouse” or that convince myself that maybe, just maybe, they aren’t even really looking AT me. I force myself to take two bites, chew my food COMPLETELY, and then wait for feed back from my body and then continue this pattern until it says I am full.
I have been astounded at how little food I actually eat at one sitting, I literally eat a serving of food the size of my fist and I am full. The only thing is, I have had to adjust to the fast that an hour later, I may be hungry again, and I have had to make myself ok with that, I have had to plan for that. I keep cliff bars in my purse, and healthy, easy grab things in my house for between meals.
But it has been worth it, and it works for me, I have been loosing weight again, emotionally and physically, all because I now take the time to sit with my food and listen to my body.
Jessi blogs here: http://jmlitteer.wordpress.com/
She Also Tweets Here: Oo_Jessi_oO
I have them.
In a bad bad way.
I’m home now after 3 days of nothing short of pure awesomeness. I woke up yesterday a little confused. I wasn’t skyping with a friend at 5am. I wasn’t frantically trying to decide what shirt I was going to wear (“insert hug here” or “I’m a prior fat girl, what are you”). I wasn’t contemplating whether to wear my panda hat. I wasn’t thinking about who was going to be the first person in my target to hug. I wasn’t thinking about how I was finally physically surrounded by those that I’ve loved and admired since the onset of this journey only through words.
Fitbloggin 11 is over
But it’s changed my life forever.
If you’ve ever considered attending let me just leave you with one piece of advice: Get your ass there. I don’t care what it takes or what kind of fears you are overcoming, you belong there. Don’t worry about the “big names”. Don’t worry about “whether people will know me”. Don’t worry about “I haven’t lost that much weight”. Don’t worry about “no one will like me”.
Fuck all that worry shit.
Let me tell you something. I will be there in 2012. I don’t care what it takes. And when you are there and we meet for the first time I promise to look you in the eyes and say “Welcome to Fitbloggin, let’s hug!” I promise it’s going to be awesome.
Highlights
- Meeting everyone on my “must meet list”
- Adding a shit ton of people to that “must meet list” while there.
- Crying with Robby (Fatgirlvsworld) when we met
- Literally jumping on Ryan (NoMoreBacon) and having his wife (MsNoMo) approve.
- Wearing my panda hat and having everyone understand that was secret code for “Need more hugs” (though not really secret since I did tweet “If you see the girl in the panda hat, give her a hug”)
- Wine drinking with Jen and Mara (Jeninreallife / Medicinal Marzipan) and wondering if Doug found love.
- Dinner with the amazing Susan (FoodieMcBody) and knowing we’re going to be life long friends.
This picture with Jess (Toobig)
- Movie night with Cynthia (ItAllChanges)
- Hanging out with Jack (JackSh*t) early Sunday morning while waiting for shuttle
- Implementing Girl Crush with Sue (MrsFatAss)
- Meeting Colleen and Carla at the airport (TheFitBee / MizfitOnline)
- Spending time with Karen (KCLanderson) and getting the much needed nudge to do what I need to do.
- Every second from the time I arrived to the time I left…
Please tell me I’ll see you there in 2012?
The fear is gone.
The hugs are tremendous.
I belong.
 http://4.bp.blogspot.com Getting to know people behind a tiny avatar picture and 140 characters does NOT do justice to the person that I’m wrapping my arms around and finally getting to be up close and in their space. It does not to justice to looking into the eyes of someone and know they get me even if just a tiny bit. It doesn’t do justice to hear someone say to you “I’ve been wanting to meet you for so long” and know they are telling you the truth. It doesn’t do justice to see that they are just as excited to meet me as I am of them. It doesn’t do justice to talk about our struggles and triumphs in person over a glass of wine and know that no matter what I say someone is going to say “I remember when that happened to me“
It’s been an amazing 24 hours.
If you’ve been keeping up with my video tweets then you know I’ve been running around getting hugs from everyone I’ve been dying to meet. It’s been awesome. And here is something I didn’t expect: People have been looking for me to hug…WHAT? You mean I’m on someone’s list of must meet? It’s beyond humbling. It reminds me why I continue to struggle on this LifeChangingJourney. It reminds me why I take the feelings and emotions that I carry inside of me and put them into words onto this blog. It reminds me that while I look to those that came before me I also look to those that come behind me.
Today in particular is one of those days where those coming behind me have a bigger impact than those that are ahead of me. One of the highlights for me this weekend is participating in the 5k run they had earlier this morning. I packed my running skirt and saucony shoes. I remembered my body glide and favorite baseball cap. I had a goal in mind of trying to break my personal best of 27:16. I was shooting for anything with in the 26 minute range. When I woke up this morning I didn’t feel confident in being able to do that. Given that life has gotten in the way the last couple of weeks I haven’t run too much. I’ve missed it something awful and I look forward to the day things settle down and I can do what I was born to do: run. However given the circumstance I’m just grateful I’m moving forward to the best of my ability. This morning I was resolved to just being happy with starting and finishing. The best thing about this 5k is it’s not an official race. No number. No timing chip. Just a bunch of fitbloggin people looking to add 3.1 miles to their weekend.
We take off.
I run.
I run fast.
I feel like I want to quit. I feel like I want to walk. My sleep is out of whack and I’m tired. I’m out of breath because I’m pushing too hard. I’m keeping up with the first group of people. I’m not running next to them but I am on their heels. I don’t have any timing apparatus but know that I’m going faster than I normally do just by the tightness in my chest. I spend the entire time trying to keep my breathing under control because I know that if I stop to walk I might not start running again. I feel like this run is never going to end…and then it does. There was a girl in front of me that I ran with the entire time. She was who I was pacing myself with. She had apparatus. She would know my time. We come to the 3.1 mark and I hear her say “24:57”
25:00
I thought this would be the highlight of my weekend here. I wanted to beat my best time. I blew it out of the water by almost 2 minutes. I was super stoked. I thought there was nothing else that was going to make me more proud and more excited of what I’ve accomplished. I wanted this to be about me…
Then my friend Jess showed up.
He’s a big guy. He’s on his own journey. Just being around him the short amount of time I have, makes me honored to call him my friend. While I was standing around feeling like I was going to hack a lung, he was just showing up to the festivities. There was a separate opportunity for people to participate in a one mile walk and that was done and over with. I see him talk to one of the organizers of the race/walk, grab a map and begin to walk away from the crowd. I call out to him and ask him what he’s doing.
“Walking a mile and looking for someone to go with me”
I’m tired. I’m still out of breath. Everyone is standing around congratulating each other on finishing and here is my friend Jess committing to doing what everyone else had already done. He could have blended in. He could have just let it go. He would have done it all alone…
No one is alone on this journey.
Here is my chance to hang out with a great guy and spend a little more time getting to know his story. On the way out we convince a fellow blogger/fitblogger Alan to re-do his mile and join us. For the next mile I get to know these two guys and hear about their struggles and frustrations. We swap sabotage stories. We talk about going after the life we deserve to live and about how it’s hard not to let the present life get in the way. It’s amazing how fast you can come to love someone when you know that they have a hard road ahead of them and in the same instance you know in your heart they are going to be one of those success stories that just blow your mind.
That’s Jess and Alan.
My time means nothing to me now. The high light of my weekend will not be that I came thinking I couldn’t and found out that I could. My high light will be the time spent with these two outstanding men. Reminding me that sometimes I don’t find strength in looking forward but rather find strength in looking behind me. We are not alone on this journey. Take the time to remember where you came from and where you are going. Those coming behind you need you. But truth be told: You need them more.
(Thank you)
 Fitbloggin 11 Tomorrow night, I’m heading to the airport. I’m about to go to an event that both makes me want to pee my pants from excitement and throw up from anxiety. I’ve been waiting months for this event to hurry up and get here and now that I’m down to just hours before getting on a plane and heading East I’m kind of wishing it was still weeks away…
16 months I’ve been blogging my way through weight loss and life changes. I’ve met so many people that get what I get. The frustrations. The tears. The triumphs. The weigh ins. The losses. The gains. The pushing away of the plate. The pulling in of the fears not wanting to be shared. The highs, the lows and everything in between.
In a few hours I’m going into a situation that I have no idea what to expect.
Will they like me?
Will I like them?
Will the people I’m dying to meet want to take a minute to hug me?
Am I going to say something stupid?
Will people want to hang out with me?
Am I going to sit in a corner by myself too scared to interact?
Will I hide in my hotel room all weekend?
Will my bunk mates like me?
Am I going to trip over my feet at some point and knock something down?
Will I cry too much?
Will I run fast enough during the 5k?
Will I spend too much time comparing myself to other people?
Will I have emotional break down and not know what to do?
Will someone want to hear my story?
Do they even know who I am?
If you’re reading this and you’re going to fitbloggin, look for me. I’ll be the socially awkward one looking around wondering where I fit in. Probably with my fingers in my mouth trying to bite off the last of my nails. I may be crying. I may be laughing. I will most definitely be hugging anyone within arms reach. I may not be ready for what this weekend brings but regardless I’ll be there…
I have to be.
 businessplantemplateblog.com My life is a series of daily decisions.
And in those decisions come emotions.
It’s hard to sit with emotions that are uncomfortable. Feeling lost, confused and unsure about the choices and decisions that are being made: Is this right? What if this is all wrong? Am I really going to take this jump and change the direction of my life? Feeling unclear and perplexed: Why now? Where did these feelings even come from? Feeling disoriented and bewildered: Where do I go from here? How do I keep going forward after making such a huge life changing decision? In these emotions I feel like I don’t want to think about making good choices to keep me healthy. The desire to eat has once again began to dissipate. I find myself wandering aimlessly in grocery stores looking for things to consume that are healthy. Within a few moments of being in the fruit and vegetable section of my local store, I quietly put the hand basket down and leave in hopes that maybe the panic attack looming in the core of my body will subside. Some days these decisions and emotions work together in harmony and at the end of the day, I feel good about what I’ve done to take care of myself physically and emotionally.
Other days?
Not so much.
In the midst of changing bank accounts, cell phone services and coordinating time to see the dogs I’m finding myself not wanting to make the best decisions about food. I would rather just not be bothered with having to make a conscious effort to find a protein to go with a non-protein food. I would rather not have to think about eating five times every day (I’m having a hard enough time remembering if I packed enough underwear to get me through the week). Instead of walking through aisles of organic produce, I find myself staring at my old friends Ben & Jerry and wondering if they’ll open their arms and welcome me back to a place where I once found unconditional comfort. I think about binging in my car, alone (yet not really alone when food is my company). I think about where I can find a public bathroom that is semi private to purge the food that sits uncomfortably in my stomach after forcing myself to eat.I think about all the nasty foods I want to consume in large quantities so that I can validate just how ugly I feel inside with the way I’ve convinced myself I look on the outside.
Today I thought about ice cream and coffee.
Hungry and tired from all the emotions coursing through this body, I had to eat. I know this is a forward moving journey even when I feel like I can’t take another step. Resolved to needing to put food into my body so that it can digest and keep me moving away from once was and towards what is I make my normal rounds (stay to the outside perimeter of the store) and nothing jumps out at me…I go down the dairy aisle (can never go wrong with Chobani) and before I know it I’m standing in front of the frozen dessert section looking at a half gallon of ice cream.
A half gallon.
I thought about eating in my car.
I thought about making myself sick afterwards.
I thought about how in that instance I hated the turn of events so much so that I was willing to eat an entire half gallon of ice cream alone because that’s how I felt: Alone. I thought about the comfort I would find digging the plastic spoon I would grab from the deli into the soft spots of the melted ice cream and then the comfort I would find in the sweet sticky corners of my mouth as I tried to consume the entire box before it melted beyond consumption. I thought about how angry I would be at myself for this uncontrolled binge that I was contemplating and how much I felt I deserved to be angry at myself for the choices and decisions that I’m making that are not just affecting me but those that I love and care for.
I wanted to eat in pain.
I wanted to eat in disgust.
I wanted to prove once again I deserved to hate myself.
Funny thing about this journey; as much as I wanted to make really bad food choices, I couldn’t. Logical Tara sort of just pushed EFT out of the way and gently guided me away from the frozen foods and towards some what healthier choices: Sushi and chobani. I knew I needed to eat and standing in front of the boxes of ice creams was not getting the job done. In the past I would have given in and said ” tomorrow is another day”…That doesn’t work for me anymore. I’ve been on this journey long enough to know that at some point “tomorrow is another day” is an excuse to let go of “Making better choices begins here and now”.
I pay for my food. I don’t really want to eat but it has to be done. I know I’m going to be thankful once I get started. On the way out I decide that while Ben and Jerry can’t be invited to this one woman party I can invite an old friend that I’ve missed: Iced Americano! It’s an indulgence I’ve learn to curb. Today I uncurbed it and in twelve ounces of controlled delight I found the comfort I was looking for. Cold in my mouth, sweet on my tongue it was exactly what I was looking for.
I guess making better choices does begin in the here and now…
Logical Tara: 1
Emotionally Fat Tara: 0
 - smartkids.com
Okay my name may not be Carmen Sandiego.
I may not wear a red hat.
I may not even pop up in different locations around the world.
(though that would be bad ass)
But I have been a little off the grid.
Hmmmmm, maybe a lot.
To say that life has taken a turn I didn’t expect would be an oversimplification of what is happening over here on my side of this journey. Life has indeed turned and turned in a major way. The sad thing about what is happening is that I can’t really blog about it publicly. Don’t get me wrong: I want too. I feel like this may be one of the only times something has happened to me in the last 17 months that I haven’t readily opened my heart and let the words flow. It feels awkward. It feels like I’m hiding something. Like for the first time no matter what I write, it will affect people close to my heart and it’s not appropriate. The choices and decisions that I’m making (while not directly weight related) are more life changing than I ever imagined and I can’t share it the way I want…
For the first time you and I don’t walk this portion of my journey together.
When we decide to stand up and take control of our lives it’s hard to not try and predict what “life” will look like as we get closer to the people we were destined to be. Will I be successful? Will I actually lose the weight and keep it off? Will I be pretty? Will I finally be able to wear those skinny ass jeans I see everyone else wearing? Will people recognize me? Will I actually ever be able to finish a marathon?
A million things we try to predict.
One thing that we assume is that we’re going to be the same person that stood up one day and said enough is enough and be the same person when we come to realize that yes we can be successful, yes we can lose the weight and keep it off, yes we will be pretty, yes we’ll be able to wear those skinny jeans everyone else is wearing, no people will not recognize us and maybe just maybe we can finish a marathon…
December 2009.
I thought I knew who I would be 17 months later.
I was absolutely wrong.
It’s scary to make decisions today that affect the ones that I love. It’s scary to come to the realization that who I was then and who I am now are so completely different that what once was is no longer. To stand up and take control now means people get hurt because at the end of the day; I am not who I once was. I came to the “proverbial’ fork in the road and made my choices. Those choices come wrapped in fear, anxiety, excitement, sadness, love, confusion, conflict, wonder, resolution, amazement, mourning, saying hello and saying goodbye.
One thing it doesn’t come wrapped in is the question of “did I do the right thing?”
I want to tell you everything that is happening. All the scary parts. All the awesome parts. All the “Whoa, did I just do that” parts. Today I can’t because I love those affected and it’s not fair to them. Maybe another day I can come back and say “so you remember when we were talking about Carmen Sandiego? Yhea let me tell you where I popped up…”
Until then just know:
Where I am now?
Is the right place for me.
This crazy, chaotic, unexpected, sad, amazing place that I stand today is exactly where I need to be. In order to move forward and continue to discover who I had no idea I would be 17 later months I need to be standing exactly where I am. No regrets. No questions. Just close my eyes and take that step forward. Have faith in myself that at the end of the day I am right where I should be. Right where I need to be.
Anything less
Unacceptable.
So what do you think?
I know right!?!?
I don’t even know how to begin this post because all I want to do is stare at the goodness that is now ALifeChangingJourney. When I first began blogging I had no idea that I would come to think of this place almost like a sanctuary. That I would find as much comfort as I have each time I place my fingers on the keyboard and begin to let the words come from a place that I had no idea even existed.
I thought this would just be a blog.
It has become so much more.
It has become a place where I’ve learned about myself in ways I never imagined. I have felt the ups and downs of losing weight here. I have felts the experiences of making life changing decisions to take control and move forward here. I’ve forged deep friendships here, both in real life and those only known through words on a page. I’ve moved out of my comfort zone here and into territories never expected. I’ve cried, laughed, complained, moved, ran, raced, started, finished, contemplated, forgave and loved here.
This is home here.
When I changed the name from 263andcounting to ALifeChangingJourney, something clicked. The blog became even more important to me. It became a brand. It took on a whole new meaning: It became me. I began to think about what it would look like to make actual physical changes to the way the website looked. What did ALifeChangingJourney look like? What would my logo look like? Do I get business cards? Do I dare take the jump and begin the path of making ALifeChangingJourney something even bigger?
You Better Fucking Believe It!
So here we are!
I want to take a moment to give some proper thanks to the two people that helped me put this together. In case you didn’t know this: I have no idea how to do things like find logos, make business cards and change layouts. You ask me what kind of font I want or if I want to use a plug in and my eyes sort of glaze over.
So I recruited!
Leaving FatVille
 Sweet Ass Business Cards
Anda is the brains behind the logo. When we first started talking about what I wanted, I had no clue. All I knew is I liked the idea of an actual fork in the road. It seemed so profound. Seemed to sum up everything that represented not only my journey but the journey of all of us. I literally said “I don’t know what I want so go forth and create magic”…
And she did.
She said I was an easy client. Not too picky. Not too demanding. But when you have no idea what you want and the first rough draft of a logo is exactly what you had in mind, there isn’t much to do but fall in love with what is now my brand. The process of finalizing everything exactly the way I wanted it to printing the first batch was seamless. During the back and forth discussion of colors and fonts (eye glazing) I happen to mention that I might be looking to change the layout of my blog to match my new (ass kicking) business card. The logo was me. Looking down the highway of life, making changes and the old layout no longer matched my vision for ALifeChangingJourney.
She knew the perfect person.
Fit and Free Emily
Talk about telling someone to create magic. The first time I saw the rough design of what the blog would look like I wanted to wrap my arms around her and say “HOLY CRAP!!! IT’S AWESOME”. Lucky for her we only know each other via computer (until fitbloggin!!!) cause I probably would have scared the bejeebies out of her as I tackled her to the floor in excitement. Nothing here is my idea. I gave her free range and she came through with flying colors. I love that the green on the business card matches the green here. I love the paved background. I love my little buttons down there (I had no idea those things are called plug ins). I love that when you mouse over a link it turns green (squee!). I love my twitter feed. I love that my smiling face is right there looking out at the world saying “That’s right, that’s my face and hot damn I look good!”
Both Anda and Emily took what was in my head as just a fleeting thought and brought to life exactly what I was looking for: A brand and website that represented not only me as a person but also brought a deeper connection to a place I’ve come to love: ALifeChangingJourney.
Thanks girls!
Mad props to the both of you!!!
Sunday I ran 13.1 miles.
It’s the best race I’ve had.
It was my fastest time ever. I spent an amazing 1:58:40 alone in contemplation about my life, it’s direction and where I see myself going in the near future. There should be an amazing recap flying out from my fingers at lightening speed. I should be replaying all the awesome things I saw and did (I ran some of the race with a 71 year old man who had just completed the Boston Marathon two weeks prior). I should be reliving all the thumbs ups and pats on the back I received (seriously if you don’t wear some kind of sign proclaiming your accomplishments during your long races – you’re nuts). I should be contemplating how I ran in areas of my home town where I used to buy and use my drug of choice and here I was running through them again successful to have come out alive and in the best shape of my life. I should be telling you about when I woke up Sunday and dressed for the race I was happy to just be showing up and anything that happened would be okay with me. I should be throwing down words of emotions that pull at your heart strings when during mile 5 I passed the 2:00:00 pacer and decided right then and there I was going to pull of my first sub two hour half marathon despite all that has happened to me in the previous weeks leading up to Sunday morning. I should be telling you about seeing my friend Jessi waving her sign as I came around the last corner and in that instant I loved her more than I thought possible.
But I’m not.
I’m keeping this one for me.
There are just some events in your life that you don’t want to share. You don’t want to let it go for fear that the momentum of what happened will be lost. This is one of those events. I just want to keep this close to my heart and find the ability to be proud of what I’ve done and to find the validation of what I accomplished from inside myself. Not everything on this journey is meant to be shared here…
Just trust me when I say:
It was awesome.
Tomorrow is Race Day
13.1
I’m earning every fucking mile!
When I wake up tomorrow and begin to prepare for my half marathon I’m going to do so with a lot of soul searching. In light of recent events, I almost didn’t make it to this race. I almost gave in because of bad choices. I almost did not step up to the starting line.
Unacceptable.
I’ve been very quiet over the last 7 – 10 days. Not spending to much time on twitter or facebbook. Not spending too much time trying to lay some words of wisdom down here on ALifeChangingJourney because I didn’t really feel I had any to offer. I’ve spent a lot of time looking inward and wondering if I had what it takes to get my shit together in time to do what I do best: Run.
1663
That’s my number. Not only do I have what it takes to recognize when I need to get help. I reach out and get it. I ate my food, I stopped weighing myself, I earned my stickers and tonight I got to lay out my running gear…
I earned this race.
I earned the right to step up to the starting line. I earned the right to do what I love. I earned the right to cross over the finish line and know that when I do I’ve earned the right to move forward and beyond the choices of yesterday. Beyond the doubt and the fear. Beyond the self sabotaging. Beyond the hurtful words only spoken in my ears by the inner voice I still carry. I’ve earned the right to brush myself off, pat myself on the back and say: “Today I live to fight another day”…
It’s gonna be a great race!
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Changes
Are a comin!
This site will be down for maintence
Starting Sunday night (*crossing fingers*)
And up When the time is right.
Changes
Are good…
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