Yes, I know it’s Friday. But out of habit and my love for the OWiS acronym (and not to mention this is my damn blog LOL) I’m keeping the weigh in title. For the next couple of months weigh in’s will happen on Fridays. Saturday posts will be set aside for Team in Training stories…
Let’s not waste anytime here shall we! The last two and a half weeks have been pretty incredible weight wise. I’m really starting to notice body definition and muscle mass and that makes me more excited about any number on the scale. However, I do like what the scale is saying to me. This week it’s telling me I’m down 2.4 pounds. Since taking starch out of my food intake, I’m down 11.4 pounds. Not bad for 2 1/2 weeks…not bad at all.
- Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
- Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
- Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
- Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
- Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
- Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
- Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
- Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
- Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
- Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
- Week 10 = 240.6 (-.4)
- Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
- Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
- Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
- Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
- Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
- Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
- Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
- Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
- Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
- Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
- Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
- Week 22 = skipped
- Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
- Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
- Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
- Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
- Week 27 = 200.8 (-2.0)
- Week 28 = 203.6 (+2.8) *lost my job
- Week 29 = 197.0 (-6.6) ONEDERLAND!
- Week 30 = 196.3 (-.7) *I cut out starch
- Week 31 = 193.2 (-3.1)
- Week 32 = 188.0 (-5.2)
Every Saturday until November I’ll be running with Team in Training as I prepare to cry scream scratch punch crawl walk run across the finish line of the Amica half marathon November 28th. I want to dedicate Saturday runs to people affected by Leukemia/Lymphoma.
This is where you get to help me.
I want you to tell me your story.
Tell me whatever your heart desires about how Leukemia / Lymphoma has impacted your life. Share the story of your loved one or friend. I’m going to be telling you about my grammy soon. She gets a Saturday because she passed away of Leukemia in February of 2002. I’m going to share my grammy with you because you need to know why I’m running and why this is so important to me. I want to run for you too.
Share with me.
That’s a lot of Saturdays between now and November 28th. Fifteen to be exact. I’m starting this Saturday with a great story about my friend Ashley and her mom. She even sent me a picture. This Saturday will be for them.
I want you to have a Saturday too.
If you’re interested or know someone that may be interested, contact me directly at taraterpci (at) vzw (dot) blackberry (dot) net
I have had a lot of Demons.
We all have them. They manifest themselves in different ways but the function of them is the same: Too keep us from moving forward and finding the true meaning of SELF. My Demons come came in many forms. As a young child it was my mother telling me I needed to be better than my brothers in everything I did because in her heart she knew she had failed in raising them and I was going to be her one true success story. I wanted to do anything I could to make her happy. I truly believed she didn’t love my brothers and the only way she was going to love me was if I was perfect.
I was the perfect child.
I didn’t complain about being a latchkey kid at the young age of 5 because she was sitting in a dark room with other adults drinking their lives away. I didn’t complain when I attempted to make brownies for her birthday almost every year and she never came home because whatever was happening at the bar was more important on that day. I didn’t complain when she would take me down to the bar multiple times during the week and sit me at a table for three hours in the restaurant portion, alone, so that she could feed me dinner while she continued to drink until I would either walk myself home the 2 miles or fall asleep at the table. I didn’t fight back when she would come home drunk and tell me that I’m just like my brothers and out of no where take her anger out on my physically. I didn’t complain because I started to hate myself. It was my fault. Nothing I did was good enough. If I had just tried a little harder, she would have loved me, wanted to spend time with me at home and I would have been her success story.
Demons attached themselves to me as a child.
They followed me into adult hood.
Those demons tell told me I’m never going to be good enough to earn the love of someone else. They tell told me that no matter how hard I try I will would fail. They tell told me I didn’t deserve to have friends who cared about me unconditionally. They convinced me that I was meant to be alone, fat and isolated from my surroundings. The demons showed me their faces in the form of suicide attempts, drug addictions, spousal abuse, depression and obesity. I hold held on to these demons as if they were my lovers. I am was afraid to be without them. It is was all I knew. I am was alive because I have had those demons to tell me that they are were the only ones that loved me. The only ones that understood. For 35 years I held on to those demons for dear life…
I was afraid to let go.
I was afraid to live.
When I started this LCJ those demons were strong and they had themselves clenched so tightly to me I couldn’t see any outcome except failure. I had to start small because any attempt at something bigger than walking up a flight of steps or substituting water for a diet coke would have never been tried. My demons made sure that every time I did something good for myself, they were there to whisper in my ear “it doesn’t matter because no matter what you do it will not be good enough”
I kept keep moving. I kept keep fighting. I kept keep telling the demons to shut the fuck up because I wanted need this change more than anything I could can remember. I wasn’t trying to earn the love of someone else. I was am trying earn the love of myself. Slowly but surely those demons fell away one by one.
Making room for the Angels in my life.
My life is no longer held back by demons determined to keep me miserable, obese and isolated. But rather pushed forward by the Angels that have come into my life to show me that I am worth something. That I am worth loving. That even in failure there is success. That I am stronger today than I’ve ever been. That I can accomplish anything no matter what those demons try to whisper in my ear. Never in my adult life have I ever wanted to leave the confines of my home / work and pursue friendships…now I want it more than anything. I look people in the eyes. I speak from my heart. I’m not afraid to be vulnerable because in doing so with the world around me, I am making myself stronger to fight the demons that try to pull me down. The Angels in my life show me that no matter what happens, they love me.
In all my imperfections…
They think I’m perfect.
You have those demons. I know you do. They may not tell you the same thing mine told me year after year but they have the same affect on you as they did on me. They are killing you. Emotionally, mentally and maybe even physically. When your life is full of demons, you can’t see the Angels waiting to help you move forward. We’re out here. We want you to let go and get healthy. We don’t want you to be obese or depressed or isolated any longer. We want you to live.
I never thought those demons would leave my side. I thought we’d be together forever. They still come by every once in a while and they quickly bring me down and take me back to that small child waiting for her mom to tell her she’s perfect. Except now when it happens I have an army of Angels with their arms wrapped tightly around me and whispering in my ears “Let go, and live…”
Are you ready to let go?
Can I just sit with those two things for a minute here.
I am about to do a post about A) Barefoot running and B) Open Water Swimming and I am almost in tears (probably not surprised) over how awesome it is to be writing about something so physically challenging. If I can just go back down to memory lane a bit.
 That’s a picture of me 6 months ago when I had just ran for 5 minutes for the first time ever in my adult life. It was the second week of the c25k program and I was ecstatic beyond my wildest dreams that I, Tara Martin had just run for a full five minutes without stopping and without throwing up. Fast forward to a few months later and I had not only graduated from the c25k but I had found something that I really love doing: Running.
A few months ago I purchased my first pair of Vibram Five Fingers and I can tell that my running has improved though as a new runner it’s hard to tell whether it’s the VFFs helping me or just the natural progression of becoming a better runner.
Last week I went running at Chambers Creek Golf Course.
It’s a beautiful 3.5 mile course with every type of running practice you can imagine. You park either at the top or the bottom of the valley and off you go. I go pretty regularly and last week was no different. I get to running and about halfway through the course my feet start to become uncomfortable in the vibrams. I don’t know what’s going on but I do know that I’m stuck at the bottom of the valley and my car is at the top still 2 miles away. I take them off to see if my feet will feel better and a thought struck me…
Yep, I ran barefoot.
Barefoot. Nothing but my feet touching the ground. To say it was awesome would not do it justice. I can only explain it with one word: freeing. Vibrams in hand, I started running the rest of the course (2 miles) and I was determined to finish naked from the ankles down. The first thing I noticed about running barefoot is my eyes started to naturally scan the environment in front of me. Granted this is probably a billion dollar golf course I’m running on so there is no threat of syringes or broken beer bottles. The next thing I notices is all the pain across the bridge of my feet disappeared almost immediately. The third thing I noticed was all the crazy stares I got from people. I thought I was getting stared at a lot when I was wearing my VFFs…nothing compared to what I got running barefoot. One of the questions that kept getting thrown my way was “Doesn’t that hurt?”…and to tell you the truth, it didn’t really hurt at all. My feet were a little tender from getting used to running on the asphalt but in all honesty they adapted pretty quickly and soon I was running just as fast without anything on my feet as I was if I was wearing my running shoes or VFFs. I ran the same course last Friday (with Godfather) and halfway through I went barefoot again just to confirm what I felt the first time.
Yep, I like running barefoot!
Yesterday’s open swim clinic was probably one of the scariest things I’ve done physically in my entire adult life. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be out in open waters. In fact I spent many a days out in the same lake I was in yesterday. My idea of open water swimming includes a floaty device of some sorts that can hold a beer can in case I got thirsty.
This is lake Washington. This is not the lake in which the swimming portion of the triathlon will take place. Normally this is a great place to frolic in the water. Not so much yesterday. You can’t see them in the picture but in about 10 minutes post shot, there will be about 150 boats coming in trying to find a good spot to watch the Blue Angels fly over head during practice. This means two things during my open water practice: Lots of waves and lots of panicking on my part. I’m a strong swimmer…in the pool. I am not a strong swimmer in open water surrounding by speeding boats and crashing waves. I won’t lie to you. There were many times throughout this practice I had the fleeting thought of not competing in the triathlon at all. But that’s the good thing about practicing in the extremes as we were yesterday. You can bet your sweet ass it won’t be like this race day. I talked with another women who has completed a trek tri in the past and she said the water will be calm at 7 in the morning and there won’t be a boat in sight. What I experienced yesterday was just about the worst possible scenario and I survived.
I swallowed a lot of water. I panicked when I couldn’t catch my breath. I got kicked a few times. Sighting was difficult to do with all the waves coming in. However I learned a valuable lesson: I can do it. And I can do it well. We swam about 250 meters out into the open water and when coming back had to sight a very small (but very yellow) buoy. Out of about 50 swimmers only a handful came in directly in front of the buoy. I was one of them. Once I got used to my environment I just did what I came to do: Swim.
Oh I also learned another valuable lesson: I need to buy a wet suit. Yep, as a noob I was just about the only person wearing a swim suit. I don’t know the first thing about wearing one but from what the swim coaches told me it’s going to help a lot. Hell if I can do this in a swimming suit, you better believe I can do it in a wet suit.
I think the most important part about this experience is knowing I was able to talk myself out of being panicked. The mind has a way of freaking out in these kinds of situations and wants to find the easy way out as soon as possible. Unfortunately the easy way out in this situation is either to quit mid swim or never even attempt. Lucky for me I refuse to let those be my options.
This may very well be one of the most awesome filled weeks of my life. On top of my regular sessions with the Godfather I got an extra one on Friday. My girlfriend Peppermint Patty arrived. I got to run a terrific 4 miles with Godfather and two other women from the gym and had a fantastic time of 41 minutes (10:25 pace) and of those 4 miles I ran 2 of them completely barefoot. I’m about to leave the house to go and experience my first open water swim clinic as I prepare for the Trek Triathlon and to end the weekend I’m finally going to meet Val and Jord and watch some Blue Angels and if you know me well then you know that I LOVE THE BLUE ANGELS!
What more could a girl want from such an excellent week?
How about a kick ass OWiS this week? I’m down -5.2 pounds!! A week ago Tuesday Godfather instructed me to stay away from starch for two weeks (this is day 11). As of today I’ve lost almost 9 pounds since the no starch rule and cutting out the four basic food groups (Pasta, Rice, Bread, Potatoes). They are the four basic food groups right?
I’m entering a new catergory on this blog: 180 – 189.
I am also 18 pounds from my first goal weight of 170!
- Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
- Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
- Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
- Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
- Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
- Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
- Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
- Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
- Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
- Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
- Week 10 = 240.6 (-.4)
- Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
- Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
- Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
- Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
- Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
- Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
- Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
- Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
- Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
- Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
- Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
- Week 22 = skipped
- Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
- Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
- Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
- Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
- Week 27 = 200.8 (-2.0)
- Week 28 = 203.6 (+2.8) *lost my job
- Week 29 = 197.0 (-6.6) ONEDERLAND!
- Week 30 = 196.3 (-.7)
- Week 31 = 193.2 (-3.1)
- Week 32 = 188.0 (-5.2)
 I have some pretty amazing friends. Many of whom I’ve never laid eyes on. We all share one thing in common: Fighting for our lives to regain control of our bodies. When I first starting blogging this journey back in February I was clueless about how large the online community was and immediately connected with people who not only understood what I was going through but listened to what I had to say as well.
I’d like to take a few moments to just relish in the awesometasticness of these people.
Not too long ago, I announced I would be running the Amica Half Marathon November 28th with Team in Training. In order to do this I committed to raising $1800 for Leukemia Lymphoma Society. I have until September 13th to raise 25% ($450) of that commitment at which time if I am not successful then I can bow out. I decided to give it my best shot for the next six weeks. I won’t lie, I was a little intimidated by idea of raising that kind of money since I’ve never done something like this before. I don’t know the first thing about fundraising. I waited an extra week to put up my fund raising page because I just didn’t know where to get started.
My friends knew though…
July 31st, I put up my fund raising page.
Aug 1st first I had my 25%.
As of yesterday I have an astounding 47%.
I can’t even begin to try to explain how humbled I am by the readiness of my friends. Friends I’ve known for years; friends I’ve known for months. Friends I’ve wrapped my arms around in real life or shared a classroom/office; friends I can only hope to someday look them in the eyes and say thank you.
It is in my friends I find hope.
It is in my friends I find understanding.
It is in my friends I find the strength to move forward.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
A bullet list of my fears!
- The Trek Triathlon is just around the corner and I am starting to freak out a bit. My bike arrived yesterday (that’s my new girlfriend!) and tomorrow is my one and only open swim clinic. Six weeks seems like a life time away and at the same time like it’s going to be here sooner than I think.
- I’m running out of training sessions with the Godfather. I have seven weeks left. Unless I win the lottery, the possibility of continuing is slim to none.
- I’ve had a lot of fear around telling Superman that I didn’t want to continue training with him when he came back from his medical leave. That fear came to fruition today when he called me and said he’d been released to return work on Monday. He asked if I was ready to make an appointment and in that split instance I almost said yes. I took a deep breath and just honestly told him that I appreciated everything he did for me during our time together but that I was going to stay with Godfather. We made small talk after that but you could tell he was disappointed. At least I can check this fear off my list.
- I have fears about not having enough work to get me through the summer. Classes end August 12th and that means that all my sub work will be done. School begins at the end of September. That puts first pay check at the middle of October.
- I have fears about the direction I want to take my life.
I continue to move forward regardless of these fears that I feel constantly nagging at my conscious. I have moments where I am stuck in these fears but they are just moments. Better than the weeks they used to paralyze me mentally, emotionally and physically.
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Meet my new girlfriend
Peppermint Patty!
We’re going to be spending a lot of time together!
Seriously you’re going to need it.
To know me is to know that up until 7 months ago I was a severe introvert. So severe that going out with people who I considered my good friends was difficult for me to do. It started when I was a small child during elementary school. I wish an adult had intervened when they saw me in kindergarten throwing a tennis ball up against the wall day in and day out, alone and removed from the other children during recess as this would become a daily practice for the next seven years until I went to junior high school. As I became a young adult, I would have one or two friends that I hung out with and that was it. I knew everyone in school but only in the context of sharing a classroom together. Going to school / work became my social outlet. I considered my co – workers some of my best friends but when they wanted to leave the confines of work, I froze. I passed up housewarming parties, birthdays, weddings…you name it, I missed it.
Five years ago, World of Warcraft became my social outlet.
I paid $15.00 / month so that I could log into a virtual world and be connected to other people without the social anxiety of having to face them in real life. It started out simple enough. I played for an hour here and there. By the end of the first month I was playing upwards to four to five hours a day. By the end of my fourth year playing, I could easily spend ten to twelve hours a day during the weekends. I would get up two hours early on work days just to log in for a bit and get that social fix that I needed. I was more comfortable interacting with a fantasy world than I was interacting with the world around me.
I’m changing that.
I’m taking myself way out of my comfort zone on a daily basis because this LCJ just isn’t about losing weight. It’s about making Life Changes to becoming a healthier person: Physically, mentally and emotionally. For some people it really is just about losing some weight. A little change in the diet and add some exercise and that person is on the path to success. For me, if all I was doing was changing my diet and adding some exercise, I would fail miserably. Every decision / choice / thought I make / have must be done consciously. Even those decision / choices / thoughts that seem to keep me from moving forward. I’ve had some bad days. I’ve had some days where I needed a serious reality check but I’ve learned to stay in the moment and then move on. I don’t linger any longer on what I did to fail but rather what I can do to succeed. One bad decision / choice / thought is a) not bad and b) just a decision / choice / thought.
One of the hardest parts of this LCJ is leaving the fantasy world (the proverbial tennis ball/wall) and putting myself out into the real world and learning how to be an active part of my community (I’m the adult intervening now). I’ve met some pretty awesome people along the way and get to share my story with some of them.
Yesterday I shared my story with Abe.
I’ve watched Abe for quite a while at the gym. He’s a very heavy man. In the beginning he would get there super early in the morning and head straight for the treadmill. Hoodie and all. He wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone. Come down the stairs, step on the treadmill, look straight ahead and then immediately vacate the premises when finished. The cool thing about Abe? He comes back day after day. He hopped on that treadmill for close to two months and just recently started working out with a trainer. Yesterday’s workout with the Godfather was especially brutal. Halfway through our hour together I needed to take a lap around the gym to get my shit together and I noticed two things about Abe:
He was using a weight machine.
He wasn’t wearing a hoodie.
I walked past him and thought this is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I turned around, walked up to him and said “I’m really proud of you for not wearing your hoodie in here. I know it’s a hard step to take and I just wanted you to know that I know it’s a hard step to take“. He laughed and said his trainer makes him take it off and that he didn’t think anyone would notice.
Oh I noticed all right.
I didn’t have much time to talk to him because Godfather wanted to get back to kicking my ass like no one’s business but we exchanged names and that brief but very important acknowledgement that we’re part of the same battle. Every time I see him now I’m going to make sure to say hello. He doesn’t realize it but he’s a soldier in my army now.
An Army set forth to save my life.
To save his life.
To save your life.
 Running saved my life.
6 months ago I couldn’t run half a block. I couldn’t run for 30 seconds without having to stop and catch my breath. I was obese and depressed. Life for me had come to a stand still and I didn’t know what to do to change that. I knew there had to be a change. I couldn’t continue to look into the face that was staring back at me from the mirror. This was not the way I wanted to live my life.
I began running with the couch to 5k program at the end of January and soon after a tiny spark inside of me was ignited. I ran my first 3 minutes non-stop and I felt like I could take on the world. Every time I made it passed another week I knew I could set goals and achieve them. A half a block turned into a half a mile. A half a mile turned into a full mile. One mile became 3.1 and 3.1 became 6.2. Now I’m striving to turn 6.2 into 13.1
Along the way I’m going to help save someone’s life.
Today I’m officially announcing (doesn’t this sound like a Presidential speech), my goal of running the Seattle Half Marathon on November 28th with Team in Training. The goal is two fold: A) raise $1800 B) Cross the finish line. I don’t know which one will be harder.
In February of 2002 my grandmother was diagnosed with Leukemia. She was 86 years old. She was lucky, in that she had lived a full beautiful life before her diagnosis. Leukemia took her away from me very quickly and less than two weeks later she was gone. I miss her more than I could ever put down in words. Other families are not as lucky. Young children and adults alike are being afflicted by this disease long before their 86th birthday. Their lives are full of confusion, sadness and disarray as they try to make their way through doctor appointments, chemotherapy and stem cell transplants. I want to help them reach their 86th birthday. I’m about to start today…
We’re about to start today…
If I could I would pull that $1800 out of my magical wallet and be done with the fundraising portion. Unfortunately I don’t have a magical wallet. But I do have some pretty awesome friends out there. Here’s where you get to help me, help someone else. No sweat involved (unless you want to come down and run with me):
So simple. Click on the link and BAM you help me get one step closer to crossing over that finish line. Click on that link and BAM, you help someone else reach their 86th birthday. Today is the first day of the rest of someone’s life afflicted by Leukemia. Let’s make it worth living.
Running saved my life.
Now I run to save the life of someone else.
Dear Body,
Wow 7 months you’ve been doing this. Can you believe it? I know sometimes I look in the mirror and I have a hard time liking what I see looking back but can I just say you are amazing. You get up every morning and you move with purpose. You’re sore and tired and most days you just want to swim in a vat of ice cream. Every morning you stretch the soreness away and think “I’ll sleep later” and then you decide how you’re going to kick ass for the day. Every thing you do you do with determination and with power. Here we are 7 months later and 70 pounds lighter!
I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in this journey.
Love Tara
- Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)
- Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)
- Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)
- Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)
- Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k
- Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)
- Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)
- Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)
- Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)
- Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)
- Week 10 = 240.6 (-.4)
- Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)
- Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)
- Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0) *joined a gym
- Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k
- Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)
- Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)
- Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)
- Week 18 = 219.2 (-3.2)
- Week 19 = 221.4 (+2.2) *the brother situation
- Week 20 = 213.8 (-7.6)
- Week 21 = 212.0 (-1.8)
- Week 22 = skipped
- Week 23 = 208.0 (-4.0) *over the course of two weeks
- Week 24 = 207.6 (-.4) *switched over to new scale
- Week 25 = 204.8 (-2.8)
- Week 26 = 202.8 (-2.0)
- Week 27 = 200.8 (-2.0)
- Week 28 = 203.6 (+2.8) *lost my job
- Week 29 = 197.0 (-6.6) ONEDERLAND!
- Week 30 = 196.3 (-.7)
- Week 31 = 193.2 (-3.1)
A week ago I announced that I lost my mojo. I’ve been feeling pretty negative in this portion of my journey. I’ve thought a lot about why, when I should be dancing naked in the streets proclaiming my admission into the Onederland club, am I constantly looking in the mirror and not liking what I’m seeing.
Fear is the answer to that why.
I’ve been doing this weight loss / move more eat less / get stronger, faster, fitter journey now for exactly 7 months and I realize there is still so much more to go. This is a life time commitment. I don’t just want to get down to 170 pounds and be done with it. I don’t want to wipe my hands clean at the destination and call it good. I don’t want to reach that goal and take a seat on the sidelines and wonder what’s next. There is fear when deciding to make a commitment to change one’s life, especially when that decision means the difference between dying a slow death surrounded by depression and obesity or standing up and fighting for something you’re not even sure is achievable.
Even today with all that I’ve accomplished, I am still fearful losing the fight.
You’d think after losing 65+ pounds with nothing but plain old determination I wouldn’t be carrying around this fear of “what if I can’t do it”, but in fact it’s stronger now that it was when I took my first flight of stairs and replaced my first diet coke with a glass of water back in December. The fear is different, yet the same. In December it was a fear of “what if the weight doesn’t come off” and now it’s “What if I can’t run faster”. Seven months ago it was “What if I’m still hungry after eating my limit of calories”, now it’s “What if I give up during my first triathlon”. Two hundred and eighty days ago it was “What if no one believes I can do it”, now it’s “everyone believes and I’m trying to believe in myself”.
Last week I said I thought I lost my mojo. What I should have said is I’m scared. But being scared doesn’t mean I sit on the sidelines. It doesn’t mean I throw my hands up and announce to the world I’m ready to give up. In fact it’s just the opposite. Now is the time to dig deep, draw lines and scream “WWOPD”. Want to know what he’d do? He’d transform into that sweet semi truck and plow right through anything even remotely looking like fear!
 WWOPD! While I can’t transform into that sweet ass ride, I can transform that fear into determination to work harder and step with more deliberation and purpose.
The fear won’t stop me.
It will only fuel my desire to succeed.
Oh and in case you’re still wondering about the mojo, a very strange thing happened today when I decided it was time to update my wardrobe as my current selection is becoming a little more baggy and a little more gangsta than I like to appear. I brought my new clothes home and as usual went about taking pictures…
 The bottom pair is a size 34 in men’s. Seven months ago I was wearing a size 44 in men’s and a 24 in women’s. I noticed something sticking out of the pocket there. Bent in closer to inspect:
AWWWW YHEA BABY!!
 The bottom shirt is a 17 1/2. The top button down is a 15. Again what is that sticking out of the pocket?
 SHAZAM BABY!
Seven months ago I was wearing XXL t-shirts. Today I walked out of the store with only Mediums! Wait a minute? What is that? Don’t tell me, let me guess…
That’s what I thought!
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