Preparing for WWC…

I’m am super stoked about my first WWC weekend coming up. Here’s a recap of my 3 goals for this challenge:

Drink a gallon of Water Saturday and Sunday.
70 sit-ups on the bosu ball at gym at one time.
Swim 90 laps.

I’ve put the challenge out to other folks (both IRL and VBB) and so far have I have 15 people signed up. In order to prepare for the challenge I have to get in the right frame of mind…

The theme is based on Braveheart and while it would be fantastic to yell in my best William Wallace voice “Go back to England and tell them there that Scotland’s daughters and her sons are yours no more. Tell them Scotland is free.” and then jump in the pool and swim 90 laps, I’m pretty sure it won’t happen.

Hmmmm, or maybe it will.

But just in case, I’ve got to do something that will keep me going during those damn bosu ball sit-ups and pushing past lap # 70. I need something to look at and say to myself “I AM A WARRIOR and I will not be defeated this weekend”.

The coolest thing happened while painting my toenails (which btw I have no clue how to do. Seriously there was no girly stuff in my house growing up). I started to visualize my success. I saw myself doing all 70 sit-ups and swimming 90 laps. I saw myself tired, sweaty and moving slow but still moving in a forward fashion. As silly as it sounds I feel like I am preparing for battle and if I go down, it will be in a blaze of beautiful glory.

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There are a lot of thoughts going through my head at the moment and I’m having a hard time organizing them into some meaningful post that will not only inspire me to get out there and make a difference in my life but also the lives of those that read what I put on these pages.

Thought #1. I had a great session with Superman today. It was our first official weigh in since we starting back in March. The first time we met I weighed (with clothes) 236. Today I weighed in at 224. He actually used the word “impressive”…well shoot doesn’t that just make a girl want to break a sweat?

Which I did.

He worked my upper body something fierce. I think he knows I’m not playing around on this LCJ and is really starting to push me. Not in a bad way, just in a “gimme me two more” kind of way. I am relatively low on the weight baring but everyday I am getting stronger and everyday I am digging deeper to push past the “I can’t(s)”. At the end of our session he high fived me and said “Awesome”.

It doesn’t take much people.

Thought #2 – Tomorrow I have some extra time before school and going to use that get in a run and a swim. My focus will be to run that 3.1 mile course by the gym without stopping. I will run with a purpose and that purpose is to kick off my WWC weekend with a run that would make William Wallace proud. If I feel like walking, I’ll just think about my pretty toes!

Thought #3 – I need a reward. I’ve worked my ass off the last two weeks and not really given myself anything substantial that says “Thanks for all the hard work”. I’m going to go to BR and get me a scoop of Pralines n’ Cream this weekend. I’m not too worried about the calories since in addition to tomorrow’s workout and WWC, I’m also doing a practice walk with some friends to get ready for the upcoming half-marathon walk on May 16th. My problem isn’t really with food cause I love eating healthier. My problem is allowing myself some recognition for the work being put into this journey.

Thought #4 I am officially signed up for two 5k(s) and a half marathon walk coming up in the next month or so. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d do this. Seriously. I was the epitome of “I’ll never” and “I can’t” but reading all of your blogs and talking to people on CalorieKing has really helped open my eyes to “I will” and “Watch this”!

Thought #5 I’m going to spend the day with my husband on Saturday. I’ve missed him something horrible. His work has been chaotic and I’ve not seen him much over the last three weeks. I’m going to hold his hand allllll day!

What are your thoughts?

My first Weekend Warrior Challenge!

This is a short post cause I seriously need to catch up on the blogs out there…so many bloggers so little time!

My virtual blogging buddy (hence forth known as VBB), Brandon (So Long, Fat Ass) is doing another installment of Weekend Warrior Challenge. I’ve watched quite a few of these events come and go and have decided this is my weekend to get my feet wet (pun intended…keep reading).

The idea behind WWC is to make some clear and definite goals that will be attempted during the upcoming weekend. I’ve decided to go with three:

Drink a gallon of Water Saturday and Sunday. I do really well during the week but I often fail miserably during the weekend.
70 sit-ups on the bosu ball at gym at one time. I can do 50 but can I do 70 in one sitting? BUAHAHAHAHAHA !!!!
Swim 90 laps. I’ve been really wanting to push myself past the 1 mile mark for swimming and this is a great opportunity!

The theme for this weekend’s WWC is Braveheart. I’d probably get arrested if I tried to get into the gym with my face painted blue so in true warrior fashion I’m going to paint my toenails blue!!!

What’s you Weekend Warrior Challenge?

Craptastic Monday = Fantastic Tuesday!

Whew, I am so happy to have Monday over.

There was no major fallout from yesterday’s change in plans but it can be exhausting to recover. I often have some sort of emotional melt down when not prepared for changes (which I did but it was only for a few minutes), then I spend a few hours wondering why I had that melt down (which is usually followed by some emotional beat down). Once recovered, I spent the rest of the day just moving a little more slower to keep myself in check.

Another day done…

I woke up in my usual fashion this morning and set about getting the day started. I thought about how to approach Superman and explain about needing some sort of warning if he needed to cancel our appointments, without divulging to much information about myself (“Oh hi Superman, so listen Monday = Superman…Monday =/= impromptu workout…say it with me Monday = Superman“). He was at the front desk when I walked in. First thing he says: “I tried to call you yesterday“.

O_o

You did?

He may have seen the look of disbelief on my face cause he pulled out his phone to show me that my number was indeed on his call log for early yesterday morning…Oh wait Superman, let me look at that again….

Ohhhhhhhh.

He did in fact try to call me and tell me that he couldn’t come in. While he had the right phone number, he didn’t have the correct area code. I still have my Seattle area code attached to my number. So he dialed (253) instead of (206). It was damn near the best news I could have heard. Not only did I not need to explain anything about me, but now I know he will call without having to ask him.

Superman = KICK ASS!

He said he was super sorry. I played like it was no big deal (cause I’m cool like that). In my most humorous fashion I said:

“Too bad you didn’t come in yesterday cause I was gonna have a bad ass weigh in. Instead I went home and ate 20 pounds of food just to make you work harder“

I finished what I came to do at the gym (leave some of my old self behind in the form of sweating on the elliptical) and then need to make appointments for next week (Monday and Thursday of course). I can’t find him so I call and leave him a message. I say he can either leave a message or send me a text (this was a little test to see if he was technologically savvy) letting me know he put me in the books. In my phone contacts I don’t have him listed under his real name…

A few minutes later I get this: ” Superman – You’re in 4 next week”. Because seriously people who doesn’t like getting texts from Superman?

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Leave it to Tony over at “The Anti-Jared” to come up with another challenge I can’t resist. He’s setting forth the virtual RoniTony 5k for kids walk on May 23rd. Donations are being accepted for the Action for Healthy Kids program but not required to participate. What is required? You just promise to walk a 5k that day. Simple!

What’s great about this is my friend Elizabeth has asked me a few days ago if I wanted to participate in the Great Kilted Run coming up in May. I was a little nervous with walking a half marathon that month that I hadn’t yet committed. After Tony put out his challenge I went back to check the date of the kilted run….MAY 23RD!!!

It’s like divine intervention.

My first 5k was slated for June 12th but now it’s been bumped up to May 23rd. If I play my cards right there might be one even sooner…

Change / Run / No Gym declaration update

What I really wanted to do was title this post “Let’s get to know Tara” because what I’m about to write is probably going to be mundane and too much information (but not in a gross kind of way). If you’d like to bypass the first portion of this post and get to Sunday’s run please do so now.

Okay, if you’re still here let’s get this out-of-the-way. I don’t like change. I hear lots of people say “oh me neither” but let me be very clear: I don’t like it one bit. I truly believe that had there been the same kind of understanding there is today about Autism Spectrum Disorders and proper diagnosis back in the 1970’s I would fit the bill.

If anyone knows anything about ASD, change to a situation or to a routine can be hard to deal with. Even the smallest thing. For example, I work in a call center environment. That means there are multiple cubicles to choose from on any given day. This doesn’t work for me. I need to be able to sit in the same place everyday and I also don’t want anyone to sit in my cubicle because I have a terrible fear that something will be moved. In order to combat this fear, I had to make the decision to work full-time. Only full-time employees (which in my line of work as an interpreter is almost unheard of) get to have dedicated cubicles. I tell everyone that I took the full-time position for insurance and what not. In truth, it was too stressful to come to work and see someone sitting in what I had considered my cubicle and then go through this tiresome process of deciding where to sit – all the while panicking that items were being moved around in my cubicle.

Still don’t understand the severity of my issue with change…here’s another example. Every minute of my life is micro managed. From the time I wake up until the time I go to bed I know exactly what I’m doing, where I need to be and what is coming up next. Here’s my schedule:

5:00a – wake up

5:15a – chores.

5:30a – brush teeth, get dressed

5:45a – 15 minute computer time

6:00a – leave the house and go to the gym (typically I’ll also eat a banana)

6:15a – arrive at the gym

6:30 – begin workout. (Mondays and Thursdays are Superman days)

7:30 – end workout.

7:35 – shower, dressed for work

8:00a – leave gym and head to first job. Here I eat the same thing everyday: a peanut butter sandwich

8:30a – 12 noon – First job at comm college (I interpret the same set of classes everyday for 3 months at a time. I’m given ample opportunity to get ready for the next quarter as I usually know my schedule weeks in advance). This is a part-time job.

12:00p – drive to my second job (my full-time job). I often drive in the same lane each day on the interstate (2nd from the left). I arrive early to make sure that everything is in its place and to see where everyone else is sitting.

1:00p – 7:00p – Work my full-time job (unless it’s Friday and then I work from 2:30 – 11p. Because I start later on Fridays, I eat lunch out at the same place every Friday and have the same thing for lunch – Veggie Pho with extra Tofu or I will go to trader joe’s and stock up my food at work.)

7:00p – Go home (here I like to drive in the 3rd lane from the left)

7:30p – Arrive home and pack my bag for gym the next morning (this includes grabbing my banana and making peanut butter sandwich for the next morning)

8:00p – 9:00p – Eat dinner with husband, watch a little tv, spend time with the dogs.

9:00 – 9:30 – read in bed and fall asleep.

Rinse Repeat Mon – Fri. I find comfort in this schedule. It keeps me calm. If anything doesn’t follow that plan, it can be upsetting to the point of no return. That’s what happen to me today and that’s what this whole explanation was about.

So today is Monday.

Superman day.

6:30a comes around and no Superman. Already my heart is racing. I go back to my gym locker (which btw, I use the same one everyday and if it’s in use I have 2 others that I can choose from) to check to see if he called. Nope. Okay no worries, just go stretch some more. 6:35a and no Superman. Okay so it may not seem like a big deal to the average Joe but to me now I’m starting to panic. By the time 6:45a rolls around and still no Superman I’ve worked myself into a full-fledged frenzy. I finally go to the front desk to which they inform me that he is indeed out sick and the lady working overlooked letting me know when I first got there.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Tara, just go work out for Pete’s sake”…not in my world people. It’s Monday. Monday = Superman. Monday =/= impromptu workout. I try the elliptical. Nope. I try boxing. Nope. I try even just running on the treadmill as fast as possible to work through this freak out. Nope. Granted I didn’t walk out and just give up on breaking a sweat (and this my friends is a break-through) but it was so unproductive and has pretty much messed my entire Monday up. I need to figure out a way to let Superman know to call me if he can’t make it but without having to say “oh BTW yea your newest client a little on the panicky side if things don’t stay the same”…

Seriously some days it’s hard to live with me.

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So I’ve been thinking about last week and my runs that didn’t really happened. I’ve been reading Josie’s blog about not using the c25k any longer and thought about my own dependency to the podrunner “Gateway to 8k”. I did run 3.22 miles on the treadmill last week Saturday but the rest of the week I struggled to even get to 1.5 miles. Granted some of that was because I was sore but I was also missing something.

Freedom

Freedom to just run. It was during the last weeks of c25k that I really started to enjoy what I was doing. 20+ minutes of just running. I began to wonder if relying on the podrunner intervals to make me a better runner was a mistake. I got up Sunday morning, popped in my iPod ear buds (minus the running podcast) and just let my feet take me where they wanted to go. I would run until I couldn’t and walk when I needed to. I ran as far as I could go, took a break and had to turn around and come home….90 minutes after walking out my door, I sat down at the computer and mapped my route.

5.5 miles!

I couldn’t believe it. I ran for about 85% of the time so even if I subtracted that it was still 4.6 miles of pure unadulterated running. I’m going to seriously have to consider leaving my running to the outdoors. I think at this point I’m going to forego the pod runner interval program as well. This means I’ll have to put my running off until the weekends for now as that’s when I have the most time. If I seriously want to run on the treadmill it will be only for short amounts of time in conjunction with other stuff (like running stairs or sit-ups). It was pure awesomeness! I am so close to an 8k I can taste it and it takes like victory!

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My “NO GYM” declaration went well this weekend. Since I don’t like change (see above) it was harder than I anticipated. Saturday I had an all day workshop so that made it a little easier. When I got a little overwhelmed with the crowd I ran 10 flights of stairs. Sunday was even harder just because I didn’t really set out a plan to fill the day. The run helped clear my mind and also gave me time to set out a clear course for what the day would look like. Lots of yard work (including mowing the nice older lady’s lawn next door to mine), cleaning the house, doing some laundry and getting ready for what would come to be known as “Craptastic Monday”!

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A little side note. I saw a number on the scale this morning that I’ve not seen since 1995. If all goes as planned and I work my ass off this week (which you can believe I will) I will be forging a new category on my blog: 210 – 219.

OWiS #17

I’m speechless this morning.

I just crossed over the 40 pound mark!

A -3.2 loss this week brings the total to -41.1

I feel like I should write something profound, but honestly I’m just going to let this picture and the numbers sink in and then head to Seattle for my workshop.

The numbers:

Week 0 = 263.5 (-0.0)

Week 1 = 257.4 (-6.1)

Week 2 = 255.0 (-2.4)

Week 3 = 254.6 (-.4)

Week 4 = 253.8 (-.8) *I started c25k

Week 5 = 248.2 (-5.6)

Week 6 = 247.2 (-1.0)

Week 7 = 246.2 (-1.0)

Week 8 = 244.4 (-1.8)

Week 9 = 241.0 (-3.4)

Week 10 = 240.6 (-.4)

Week 11 = 238.0 (-2.6)

Week 12 = 234.8 (-3.2)

Week 13 = 232.8 (-2.0)

Week 14 = 230.0 (-2.8) *graduated c25k

Week 15 = 227.8 (-2.2)

Week 16 = 225.6 (-2.2)

Week 17 = 222.4 (-3.2)

A declaration / Week in review (pre OWiS #17) / shopping

I’ve pushed myself to the brink. I knew it when I tried to run this morning. I probably should have taken the run outside but as I’m trying to work on staying at a constant speed I took it to the treadmill. During the first interval of week 4 of podrunners it got real ugly in my head.

Real ugly.

Nothing I was doing looked right. I’m sure I looked the same as always but for some reason it was just a super gnarly girl up there looking like she didn’t belong. I made myself run at least 1.5 miles before stepping off and finishing out the hour on the elliptical.

That didn’t last for long either.

After about 30 minutes I just wasn’t into it that much. I’ve been pretty gung-ho up to this point since joining but today I could have cared less about being there. I was definitely working up a sweat but not in that “RAWR” kind of way that I like so much. I switched to sit-ups on the BOSU ball. That actually was pretty good: 50 sit-ups with 5lb ball. Sort of a RAWR moment.

Luckily I had an extra hour today so I did what any girl trying to lose 100 pounds would do. I swam. That was the high point for sure. I got in a full mile. I worked on speed as well as distance so it was a good session.

However during this swim I decided to make a declaration of sorts. I’ve officially decided this weekend is a NO GYM weekend. I hear everyone telling me to take a break and while I don’t like to admit being tired, I am. I’m not saying I won’t work out but if I do it will be in the form of running outside, or working out in the yard. I won’t be packing up my gym bag tonight or Saturday night and heading to the gym the next morning. Saturday I have an all day workshop in Seattle that prevents me from sleeping in but Sunday I will not set the alarm. Sunday I will just let the day take me where it’s supposed to go.

So there it is my official declaration: NO GYM this weekend!

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It’s Friday. Time for the week in review in preparation for tomorrow’s OWiS #17. Last Saturday’s weigh-in was spectacular…225.6. However by Monday it had gone up to 228 and it’s been a pain in the ass getting it back down. This morning it was down to 226. So potentially there could still be a loss but at this point I’m not really too freaked out about it. I think I know the problem. I’m not eating enough…crazy right? My net caloric intake has averaged out this week to be about 500 – 600 after working kcals into the equation. I’m down to eating 3 meals a days with no snacking. This is a major accomplishment. Now I need to work on getting those 3 meals up to par on caloric intake.

That being said, let’s review my week!

Saturday – After OWiS #16, I went to the gym and ran a personal best in distance: 3.22 miles. It was freakin awesome! It was so awesome I swam for a mile.

Sunday – Hard to believe but it is possible to have an Elliptical Epiphany. I blame Eminem and realizing that my closet needs to be cleaned!

Monday – Met with Superman and discovered planks.

Tuesday – Just a Tuesday on the Elliptical.

Wednesday – I was Angry but I got the job done. Oh and I made a cool list, I suggest you do the same!

Thursday – 3 kick ass things happened to me. Including beating the crap out of boxing bags and winning over the brick wall.

Friday (today)- I ran, I ellipiticalled, I did sit ups and then swam my patootie off! Funny too, as I was leaving the gym this morning I ran into Superman. He asked me what I did this morning to which I replied: “I ran 1.5 miles, got on the elliptical for 30 minutes, did 50 push-ups and swam a mile“…he looked at me, smiled and initiated a high 5…word up people!

So all in all a pretty good week. My first 21 day challenge with SeattleRunnerGirl also ended this week. My challenge was to pack my gym bag and veggies every night before going to bed. I succeeded with flying colors. It helped my level of stress so much that I’m pretty sure it’s a habit by now. I decided to do another 21 day challenge: Drink 99 oz of water each day. I’m actually shooting for a gallon but 99 oz seems more doable with weekends. Here’s to lots of trips to the bathroom!

Fingers crossed I see a loss tomorrow but if not, I just keep on truckin!

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One of the things that frustrated me today during today’s run that wasn’t, was the way I looked in the mirror. My clothes are too big. I look frumpy. I don’t own a sports bra and while I’m not that endowed to begin with my girls are starting to suffer. I made a little side trip to Kohls before work and lucky me there was a big sale going on. I even bought work out clothes out of the women’s department. To know me is to know I shop in the men’s section since no one ever really taught me how to shop for woman’s clothing. I did buy 3 plain t-shirts in the men’s department ( L size which is a new territory for me) but I also walked away with (from the woman’s department) 2 new sports bras and 2 new work-out pants both capri style that are nylon so no more baggy full length running pants.

But since this is a NO GYM weekend, I’ll have to wait until Monday to wear them 🙂

See you all tomorrow!

Wonder if what you say helps / Forging relationships / Revisiting an old enemy

Gah, I so need to catch up on blogs. So much is happening to everyone out there. Struggles and triumphs. Losses and gains. Frustrations and exhilaration. At the same time there is so much happening to me over here as well.

I’m taking another day to post because 3 really kick ass things happened to me yesterday / today and I just want to sit with all their goodness for a few moments before I move on to catching up with everyone out there.

Kick ass something #1

I’ve been a pretty avid follower of Jen (Prior Fat Girl) since I started this LCJ 4 months ago. Unfortunately I am one of the unlucky ones that can’t access her blog anymore due to some mystical creature sprinkling evil “Access Denied” dust on her website. I can access it through my phone but its rather tedious and does not make for safe driving conditions as the only free time I really have these days is in my car.

I miss reading her blogs on a daily basis.

She is one to definitely understand this just isn’t about losing weight but about facing fears and digging deep in the past to make room for a bright future. She puts her crap out there for the world to see and doesn’t really care who sees it. Her journey is hers alone and not for anyone but herself to work through. She is brutally honest with herself and in doing so has forged a path for the rest of us to walk along.

She does this really cool thing where she invites all us girls to take pictures of ourselves after working out. I have been sending her pictures of my running during the c25k program. You know the ones with my little signs stating how long I ran for. Yesterday I was catching up with her blog and read how on Saturday she had completed a 5k. It was awesome looking at pictures of her crossing over that finish line. I can’t wait until that is me (June 12th). It just so happens however on Saturday I ran a personal best in distance (3.22) and sent her the following picture:

This was taken right after finishing. I’m crying and sweating and trying to get the salty sting out of my eyes. I get home late last night, get my bag together for today’s gym date. I’m tired. I’m sore. I”m nervous about seeing Superman. I look down to plug in my phone for the night and there is the beacon of light I needed to get that motivation / determination back into my head.

Jen sent me an email.

I won’t go into details about what the email said but it was enough to stop me in my tracks, take a deep breath, read it 5 or 6 times and promptly push save so that I can read it again (and again).

It’s like the high school football quarterback throwing the pigskin around with the freshman during tryouts. I am the freshman and so many of you are the quarterback. Coming here and leaving me comment or taking the time to send me an email encouraging me to keep going has been a tremendous amount of help. If I don’t say it enough, Thanks! What you provide to me now will be given out ten fold when I am the quarterback and the new freshmen on campus want to throw the football around.

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Kick ass something #2

After 3 weeks of working with Superman, an intense session with my therapist yesterday and a talk with my husband, I’ve decided to go ahead and commit to seeing a trainer 2 x week. Seems silly that I would need a therapist to help me get to this decision but it goes so much deeper than just making the decision. For the first time in my life I finally feel there is enough self worth to stand up for what I need. Feeling that and knowing how to do it are two different things. I didn’t need to convince my husband that I was worth it, I needed to convince myself. I didn’t need to convince my husband that spending the money was okay, I had to convince myself. I told him I felt guilty about spending the money to which he replied: “I never feel guilty, so I don’t want you too either”…

Sometimes the worst battles are the ones you’re having internally.

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Kick ass something #3

Speaking of Superman. I met with him today and it was pretty awesome. Today = upper body. I got to work on this machine:

Minus the chair…I got the bouncy ball! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! He had to help me on a few things but I went to the end like a trooper. Then he took me into the boxing room! KICK ASS for sure. The boxing room has 12 bags (3 rows of 4). He strapped me up and said two full body swings into each bag. Oh man nothing to rile a girl up like being told to beat the crap out of some bags. After that he had me start at bag 1, kick it’s ass, run to bag 12, kick it’s ass, run to bag 9, kick it’s ass, run to bag 4 kick it’s ass and repeat until he got tired.

Right, until HE got tired.

And then repeat the entire boxing process (each bag twice, then crisscross) . It was AWESOME! I think that Superman is warming up to me. I could be wrong but he did swear in front of me (I swear like a sailor and told him so in the beginning) while quoting a line in a movie so I’ll take that as a move in the positive direction. He’s very much a “all business” kind of guy. I’m an “all business” kind of girl so it’s a good match.

The very last thing we did…

That’s right, the dreaded brick wall. Last time I did this, it brought me to tears. Today, I was going to win this damn fight. However I’m full of anxiety because I’m remembering how it went last time.

The last time I did 6 knee pull ups (4/12)

Today I did 15 (4/22).

You lose brick wall, you lose!

Double Post Wednesday…

I’m lucky if I can get 3 posts in a week let alone two in a day but lo and behold here I am again because I happen to peruse Seth’s Blog (Fit with a Purpose) and there is this little “challenge” of sorts to post fifteen reasons why you enjoy your running, work outs and eating decisions…

So here’s my list and I’m looking forward to reading yours. These are in no particular order.

I feel stronger as each day passes.
I’m finally taking control of my life.
I’m buying smaller clothes.
I have these things starting to show…they’re called biceps.
I’m learning that I truly am an athlete and I was born to move.
I am healing the past.
I’m looking forward to my future.
With every drop of sweat that falls off of me, I feel like the old me is also falling off.
The time between 6a – 8a M-F is truly my own.
I am learning that failure only means when you don’t get back up and try again.
After 4 months I have some pretty kick ass results. I can’t wait to see what I can do in the next 4 months.
Other people are following in my footsteps.
I am following in some pretty kick ass footsteps.
I’ve never run a mile before in my life, now I can run 3.1…soon I’ll run farther.
I’m finding all these possibilities to be terribly exciting.

Thanks Seth!

When you think you can’t…you must.

It’s Wednesday.

I”m sore.

Almost unbearably sore.

I blame Superman and his idea of fun.

(It was kind of fun)

I’m having to will myself to walk down stairs.

My thighs are just about ready to revolt against me in this journey.

Yesterday I got on the elliptical for 60 minutes and sweated my ass off. Literally speaking of course but I’m pretty sure my ass is smaller. I actually stopped myself in a full length mirror at the gym and was like “Oh hey wait a minute, is that my butt?”

(the answer was yes!)

Today should have been a run day for me. As soon as I woke up I knew it wouldn’t be. I almost didn’t go to the gym because of my frustration level. I don’t like being sore and not being able to follow through with what I’ve planned. I don’t do well with change even something as simple as changing a routine at the gym.

I decide to give it a try and head to the gym. As soon as I start my warm up I know it’s a no go. However, I’m already at the gym so I have some options. All is not lost. I decide to head to the elliptical because I’m so frustrated that I need something to help me work through it.

I get to the 30 minute mark.

I am angry.

Angry that I’m overweight. Angry that a session with Superman has made me this sore. Angry that this journey is some serious hard work not only physically but emotionally as well. Angry that 40 years of unfavorable learned behavior won’t just undo itself in 4 months. Angry that this is a lifetime decision and while it’s a decision that will probably save my life, I never should have been at this crossroad in the beginning. I’m angry at my mother, my father, my brothers. I’m angry with myself. I want to get off the elliptical, throw a towel over my head, and scream like a 3 year old. I want to push the person next to me and provoke them into yelling at me just so I would have a good reason to clock them in the face. I want to break the mirror in front of me because the person looking back at me is weak, fat and unforgiving.

I did get off the elliptical.

I didn’t cover my face and scream like 3 year old. I smiled at the person next to me. I pointed to the person in the mirror and wiggled my finger for her to follow me.

I jumped on that treadmill and ran for a mile.

All is right in my world today.

How’s your world?

3.22 Run/ Elliptical Epiphany / Planky Planks

Something weird is starting to happen to me these days. 6 months ago I used to focus on how much time I’d be able to spend playing World of Warcraft. I used to get up super early every morning just so I could play an hour or two before having to get ready to work. My weekends often revolved around that laptop and plunging myself into some fantasy world because I was afraid to face the world in front of me. I would be irritated if I had to go somewhere and often thought about when I would get home and be able to attach myself to something that wasn’t even real…

It was real to me for 4+ years.

Fast forward to present day and I no longer think about World of Warcraft (though I do keep my authenticator with me as a reminder of what I will never do again). Average daily use of laptop today is about 15 – 30 minutes where 6 months ago it would be 4- 6 hours (weekends it would average up to 8 hours). I have access to computer at work and am able to do my blog, keep up with everyone on my blogroll and CalorieKing. I no longer hover over the computer at home.

I am waking up every morning wanting to move. I can’t get out of the house fast enough to get to the gym. I used to get on the Wii for 30 minutes and be dogged tired. Now 60 minutes on the elliptical is not enough. I alternate between run / swim / cardio on non-training days because of time allowance. Now the weekends are something I look forward to because I can run and swim!

Saturday was no exception.

On days where I would sleep in as late as possible because I was up all night playing WoW, I’m getting up at 7am to get to the gym by 8. Saturday I got up and the first thing I thought was “what kind of sweat am I going to break today?” I went to the gym knowing I was going to run on the treadmill. I used to be afraid of that 3.1 mile mark when I started running and these days all I want to do is run past it.

Which is exactly what I did:

3.22 is the farthest I’ve ever run before. In my entire life. It’s still taking me some time (46 minutes by the machine there) but that 46 minutes was not spent on the computer. It was spent becoming a stronger person. It was spent becoming an athlete.

And because it was Saturday, I swam for a mile afterwards.

_________________________________________________________

Elliptical epiphany? Is it even possible? Evidently it is because I had one on Sunday about 1/2 way through my hour. My new music selection on my iPod was going fantastically. I was totally in a groove until Enimem’s “Cleaning out my Closet“ song came on. Now I’ve listened to this countless times before Sunday and know all the words but they never hit me like a ton of bricks before…

The song is about coming clean with what really happened in your childhood. I’d post the words but seriously if you don’t actually hear the words then I can’t do it justice. It’s about a father who left and a mother who pretty much screwed up any chances of having a normal childhood.

I closed my eyes and thought about my own mother and father and about how getting through my past to reach my future in this LCJ I have to clean out my closets as well. There are things I need to seriously acknowledge in order to understand what kind of strength it takes to move forward in this journey not only in weight loss but just in life-sustaining happiness.

You guessed it I cried.

I cried because I am the child of an alcoholic mother. A child of an abandoned father. A child of sexual abuse. Physical abuse. Mental abuse. I cried because I am the survivor of my own drug addictions. Domestic violence. Discrimination. I cried because after all of this, here I was on the elliptical, sweat pouring off my face, almost 40 pounds off my body, surviving.

I am surviving.

I am surviving without relying on food to cover my feelings. I am surviving without relying on anti-depressants to cover my feelings. I don’t need a fantasy world to help me get by any longer.

I am present in my reality.

I am clear headed.

I will not go down without a fight.

The song ended and I opened my eyes to see the world around me. Machines that help me sweat. Machines that make me stronger. Machines that are like boxing gloves that I slip over my hands to take on the fight of my life.

I will win.

Will you?

____________________________________________________

Superman was today. I have three words for you. 1) I 2) HATE 3) PLANKS.

Just saying.

All in all it was probably one of the best sessions thus far. He pushed and I pushed back. He said “one more” and I gave it to him with a smile on my face (or at least a grimacing smile). I asked him if anyone had ever curled up and cried on the floor after his sessions to which he replied: “No but the biggest compliment I ever get is when they throw up”…

O_o

We get done doing lunges (which I can now put my knee on the floor AND get back up), bicep curls (which I graduated to 40 pounds) and skull crushers and some other stuff that has me sweating like a crazed lunatic and then he lays the following items on the ground out in front of me:

And promptly tells me I’m going to do planks on all three of these, 30 seconds each. I’m pretty sure a resounding “NO” came out of my mouth. I’ve never done a plank before. Let alone for 30 seconds. Let alone on round things that move.

Well I’m happy to report that not only did I do each one for 30 seconds, I repeated the process. I was pretty angry by the end of the last round. But then Superman did something really cool…

He patted me on the back and said “good job”.

That was all I needed.

Preparing for WWC…

My first Weekend Warrior Challenge!

Craptastic Monday = Fantastic Tuesday!

Change / Run / No Gym declaration update

5.5 miles!

OWiS #17

A declaration / Week in review (pre OWiS #17) / shopping

Wonder if what you say helps / Forging relationships / Revisiting an old enemy

Double Post Wednesday…

When you think you can’t…you must.

3.22 Run/ Elliptical Epiphany / Planky Planks

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