Week #7 weigh in and new running partner!

Weigh in Week #7

December 29th 2009 = 263.5 lbs

Today = 246.2 lbs.

Total loss = 17.3 lbs

I lost a little over a pound in the last week. It’s not as fast as I want but I’ll take what I get. I really thought I was going to have a gain this week. I made some food decisions that might not have been the best choice (dim sum, pasta, frozen yogurt) but I managed to stay mindful about the amount going into my mouth and ate what I consider moderate portions (by moderate I mean what I think a conscious person would eat). Tomorrow begins week #3 of c25k and to say that I’m a little intimidated is an under estimate of my feelings. I’m very intimidated. With my best attitude I will go to the track tomorrow and give it all my gusto.

I’m starting to get a lot more comments on people being motivated by my desire to make positive changes. It helps me to keep going. I want to move more. I want to weigh less. I want to succeed in making the right choices for me. Knowing that other people are now thinking about doing the same because I am putting it out there without shame (okay maybe a little shame) gives me the boost I need when I’m just not feeling like doing much of anything. So thank you to anyone who is moving a little more because of what I’m doing / writing / saying.

New running partner

Say hello to my new friend, Saucony Running shoes. My old sketchers just are not cutting it for me anymore so I spent some time over at South Sound Running yesterday and this is the pair I left with. The staff (Emily helped me) was so friendly. I went in there and basically said I didn’t know the first thing about running shoes but I’ve recently started the c25k and need something more comfortable. She started out by having me wear a pair of “neutral” shoes and then watched me jog to see where I needed to have the most support. I over pronate (roll in) so she brought out 3 different pairs that have dense arch support around the shoe. These particular beauties have more cushion on the inside of the shoe so were my ultimate choice. Not to mention the hot red! When I put my sketchers back on I could immediately feel the difference between the two.

Today was really the first test. I took my dogs for a long walk (approximately 2.5 miles) and my feet are giving these shoes raving reviews. Hopefully these babies will take to a real 5k run! I feel so professional with my running pants and new shoes.

Almost like I belong!

A picture is worth 17 pounds…

You can’t make anything more real than by taking a picture. The pants on the bottom are the one’s I was wearing when I went into Kohl’s yesterday. The middle pair is one of the pairs I bought (Size 20). They fit nicely. The one’s on the top are the size 18. They fit nicely as well and I actually appreciate the shape of my thighs while wearing them.

Today was a much better day emotionally. Not that yesterday was a bad day…it was just a hard day to get through emotionally (started out way low…ended up way high) and left me feeling exposed and sensitive. Up early this morning to complete the last run of week two for the c25k program. I’m going to go ahead and give week 3 a shot this coming Sunday. I’m horribly nervous about the idea of running 3 minutes. The thing to remember that if I feel it’s not time I can redo week #2.

I saw an interesting sign in front of a church: “Notice what is right”. I saw this on my way to the track today. I was a nice mantra to have while running in the rain. I spend too much time noticing what is wrong that I forget to think about the things that are right. Here are some things that are right:

I have a loving husband that supports everything I’m doing on this life changing journey.
I have lost 17 pounds while implementing these life changes.
I can run 90 seconds (multiple times).
I have more energy and find myself craving more time to move and less time in front of the computer.
I am buying sizes of clothes that I thought far out of my reach.
I am not smoking nor do I have the urge.
I have saved 150+ hours of my life NOT playing World of Warcraft in the last month.

What are some things that you notice are right in your life?

Therapy and clothes shopping…

Therapy

First off life changes doesn’t just mean making better food choices and moving more…it’s about getting to the core of the issues. I’ve been back in therapy now for a few weeks. The past few times have just been about getting to know each other and establishing my relationship tree with the people in my life. Easy peasy…until today.

I didn’t have a good morning today prior to therapy. I got up with the intentions of walking the dogs and then trying out the new workout dvd(s) I got from the library. I got up and checked my Facebook instead. Why I do that when I know I won’t feel good about it afterwards I’m not sure. Now there isn’t time to walk the dogs and do the dvd so I opt for the dvd. It was the kick boxing for dummies and it just didn’t work for me. I moved awkwardly and couldn’t keep up with the steps. My frustration level is creeping up at this point. I’m mad at myself for being on the computer. I’m mad at myself for not keeping up with the dvd.

I go to see my therapist and for the first time in a long time I actually tell someone how I’m feeling. Most of the time I just say “I’m fine” but since my husband has repeatedly told me that I clearly wear my emotions on my face, it wouldn’t do me any good to try and get around how I was feeling this morning.

It was a tough hour. I cried. I let myself cry for being so hard on myself when there is no need. I cried because I so want to unplug from my laptop and find it difficult. I cried at being frustrated for always looking at the negative instead of looking at the positive. I cried because after 40 years of this learned behavior this too has to change.

I have a mantra “Today is only 24 hours. Tomorrow is another day”. I tell this to everyone except myself. I allow one small thing to become about disappointment and failure to follow through. An hour on the computer means I will never walk the dogs again. Feeling disappointed at today’s attempt with the workout dvd means I’ll never reach my goal of losing weight.

If I heard someone else talking like this I’d seriously punch them in the neck for such crazy talk. I’m sure someone else would punch me in the neck if they heard me talk like this about myself but since this is an internal battle no one hears this stuff but me.

Until I put it out here.

Today is only 24 hours. Tomorrow is another day.

Clothes Shopping:

Therapy done and finished. assignment from her was to not go home. I had three hours before I had to work. She said it wouldn’t do me any good to go home and try to fix what I thought was not completed and to just allow myself to “let it go”. So what’s a girl to do with three hours?

I’ve been leery about buying new clothes. My current selection has finally started to get too big. The pants I left the house in were a size 24 and just about falling off. However I don’t want to be disappointed if I can’t find anything I like. Clothes shopping for fat people can be a nightmare. It has been mine since I was a child. But hey, I had a Kohl’s gift card from Christmas so what the hell.

I found a pair of pants I liked. Just on a whim I took a size 20 off the rack. Now my hearts beating fast, I’m getting worked up. I think maybe I should have taken a size 22 first so I’m not disappointed and frustrated and walk out before I even begin. I go into the dressing room….

AND THEY FIT!!!

A size 20! Holy crap I’m freaking out and I’m sure my squeal of giddiness scared the person next to me. They weren’t tight and my thighs didn’t look like stuffed marshmellows. SWEET! One pair down. I know I shouldn’t have pushed my luck but I just wanted to try on another pair. I found another pair I liked and grab both an 18 and a 20…just to see. I go back to the same dressing room. I put on the first pair and think “hey, these fit pretty good”…let me try the size 18 just in case.

I look over at the other pair. I realize that the pair still there on the hanger is the size 20…HUH WHA???

I look down and sure enough I’m wearing the size 18. It’s an 18w but HOLY HELL I’M WEARING AN 18. Now I’m really pushing my luck. I go over into the men’s athletic dept. to look for a new pair of running pants as my sweats are no longer adequate (nothing says sexy like pulling up your sweats while trying not to trip over your feet). I don’t even look in the XXL section as I normally would. I go straight for the XL and find a pair to my liking. Back to the same dressing room (as I’m sure it’s got some magical powers by now)…

THEY FIT TOO!

Three for Three! I decide that’s enough excitement for one day. I wanted to hug the lady at the cash register but decided that might be a little too weird since I didn’t even offer to buy her dinner first.

Moral of the story:

Sometimes you don’t even need 24 hours to have a better tomorrow!

144 Heartbeats per minute and perfecting my farmer’s blow.

I did two things this morning: c25k Week two day two and walked my dogs. I did not do these things together as I have since learned my lesson and am now making time to do them separately. Here’s my time line:

7:00a – alarm goes off

7:10a – dogs let out for bathroom stuff, sweats / hoodie on and ready to go

7:20a – on the track. It’s quiet. Only one other person on the track and it’s an old person so I know I’m gonna pass them at least once and feel good about it!!! First heart rate reading = 110

7:51a – Done! Week two day two is complete. I didn’t get to pass the old person on the track because they left before I even got a chance to do my first interval…I really wanted to pass them but I guess their need to get back to whatever old people do at 7:15a was greater…NEXT TIME OLD MAN! Last heart rate reading = 144!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:00a – Home and right back out the door to walk the dogs for 45 minutes.

For a recap – I exercised today for a total of 75 minutes!

The lowball estimate for calories burned (walking at 2 mph x 75 min) = 389

Highball estimate (walking at 3 mph x 75 min) = 611

I need to perfect my farmer’s blow. Urban dictionary says the following about the action : The process of plugging one nostril, and blowing air out of the other, in order to shoot out mucus. In order to make this technique successful, you must use great force, otherwise you will just look retarded when you have one nostril covered in snot and are breathing heavily in front of your friends.

I mainly just get it all over my sleeve trying to clean up after my farmer’s blow disaster.

I made this salad…

On a whim I made the following salad to go with some root veggies and cod.

It served two people with some left over.

3 oz of grape tomatoes – 12 (25 cal)

1 avocado (289 cal)

1 pear (96 cal)

1/4 c chopped cashews (197 cal)

mango dressing to taste (30 cal/2 tbsp)

Cut tomatoes, avocado and pear into small pieces. Add chopped cashews. Toss with small amount of dressing.

Total calorie for entire salad = 637 calories. I ate a little less than half so it came out to be about 300 calories. It was pretty delicious and filling.

Weekend recap, library visits and hello there 246!

Hello there 246: That’s right the scale said 246 this morning. I’ve officially picked a weigh in date (Saturdays) but have a hard time not checking everyday. I know it’s not good for me to check everyday because it can lead to some serious heartache. Today was not that kind of day. When I got on the scale this morning I was pleasantly surprised by the number 246. That brings me up to a 17 pound weight loss since starting this journey at the end of December. I won’t be making this my official weight since it is only Monday but it was a nice pat on the back.

Weekend recap: This portion of the entry needs a picture…

Though I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing that outfit that was me this past Sunday. It wasn’t pretty but I’ll be damn if I didn’t finish the 2nd week day one of the couch to 5k program. I was so nervous to get up and out of bed Sunday morning. I’d been out the night before (I’m a sucker for the UFC fights at my local bar) and while I did count my calories all day Saturday and took the dogs on a long long loooooong walk to help combat bar food calories I had 2 kamikazi drinks (and since I know the bartender it was more like 4) and a chicken burger…fries jumped in my mouth during a really good fight but I managed to keep them at a minimum. That being said I was a little groggy Sunday morning. Nothing says stay in bed like a “greasy food, alcohol induced” hangover. Add to that feeling scared about adding an additional 30 seconds of running to my already “this is too hard” attitude.

However I made a commitment to myself.

I chose to go to the community college near by for it’s track. During my 5 minute warm up I gave myself a little pep talk and then just got down to doing the six intervals (90 sec running / 2 minute walking). Then it was over. It wasn’t as easy as I had hoped it would be but not as hard either. So that was Sunday. My next attempt will Tuesday (tomorrow). I really liked the track so I think I’ll go back up there early in the morning before any classes begin.

Library visits: Because I am going to be sticking to a running only 3 x a week regimen I need to fill my “off” days with something else. I’ve put a reservation payment on the Wii fit but it’s not due to arrive until the end of this month. I thought I’d check out my local library to see what they have to offer. I was surprised to find such an array of dvd(s) I had to pick from. I renewed my library card and left there with the following dvd(s).

The biggest winner! How to win by losing. The complete body workout. (Jillian Michaels)
The biggest loser, the workout. Power sculpting
Fat-burning kickboxing workout for dummies.

I have these for exactly 7 days. I can’t renew them (I guess there are a lot of us poor fat people out there) so I’ll give them a try to fill in time between runs and until my Wii fit gets here. I also walked out with some good music to put on my ipod shuffle for those early morning dog walks.

Tomorrow’s anticipation and today’s revelation

TA: I’m excited to be moving on to the next phase of c25k. I’ve got Robert Ullrey’s week two podcast ready to go. I gave it a run through yesterday (listening only) while on the track at my local community college. I walked and listened to it to get a feel for the music. There were a few runners also on the track so I was able to gauge approximate length traveled for 90 seconds. I’m going out bright and early in the morning (dark still so no one can see me lol) and going to give it my best shot. I’m starting to have quite an appreciation for those people I see running. I’m watching their form and looking at how fast / slow they’re going, how much their feet are coming off the ground and what their arms are doing.

I’ve always wanted to be a runner but way to intimidated by the jockiness of the whole thing. Skinny girls in their spandex, muscle toned boys and their shorts and tank tops. But here I am sort of running and in no way am I “jocky” unless you count my ability to slam duck a pint of ice cream in 15 minutes flat! I wonder if any of those sexy jock-like runners were like me in a previous life: Fat but wanting a change. Tired but motivated to continue. Frustrated but committed to a happy ending. I wonder now if any of those people worried about sweat rashes between thighs that rubbed together or were way too hot due to needing to wear hoodie to cover bouncing belly syndrome?

Now when I look at people running I see what I hope will be me some day in my near future. I think to myself, they didn’t always look this good. I won’t always look this bad.

TR: I like moving. Not just moving from room to room in my house but really moving. Yesterday I had 90 minutes in between classes and I walked that track at the community college 7 times. 1.75 miles. I didn’t go to starbucks and sit around reading. I didn’t go home and play on the computer. I moved! Today is my day off from any kind of “exercise” and while I do look forward to having a c25k/treadmill free day I was missing something. I had a workshop to go to this morning and the entire time I was there I kept thinking about moving. I didn’t want to sit in that chair for 3 hours. I wanted to move. When I got home I did just that. I moved. I walked my dogs for close to an hour at a “holy crap my dogs walk fast” pace. I took them across the 6th ave division of my neighborhood into what is also known as “the rich part of town”…manicured lawns, large fences and not one dog in sight. It was by far the best walk I’ve had in weeks and I think when I do my c25k tomorrow I’ll head north (rich) instead of south (ghetto). I don’t care that the north side of town will see me running. I welcome it. FAT GIRL RUNNING….HELL YA FAT GIRL RUNNING!!!

Today’s Weigh in…week #6

On December 29th 2009 I weighed 263lbs.

Six weeks later I weigh 247lbs.

It’s a little hard to read but trust me it says 247!!!!

I’ve lost 16 pounds so far.

Saturdays are my “days off” for working out but I’m taking my dogs on a long long walk and to know me and my dogs is to know that’s a work out in itself!

c25k week one graduation!

I woke up before my alarm again today. Nervous like it was the first day of school. Butterflies in my stomach. Thoughts rushing through my head. I quietly get up and put on my sweats, my favorite hoodie and my tennis shoes. I kiss my husband and ask him to take care of the dogs this morning because this is a personal journey and today I need to be alone. I greet Robert Ullrey on my ipod shuffle and quietly ask his to be nice to me this morning knowing I was really asking myself to be nice. It’s been a hard few days.

30 minutes later I’m officially a graduate of week one.

As soon as that last 60/90 interval was done I cried again. Not because I was upset or angry with myself. I was just plain old relieved that I could commit to something and finish until the end. As I walked my way back to the house, tired and out of breath I was saying out loud “You can do this. You can do this”…I realized this is the wrong mantra. Saying “you” is still not acknowledging that it was me doing the action. “I can do this. I can do this” started coming out of my mouth and I noticed something; my head was higher, my stride more confident and I started to feel good about preparing to move on to week two.

I came home (sweaty as all hell) and took my dogs for the walk they deserved for being patient while I kicked ass alone this morning!

What CK had to say today…

CK = Calorie King.

This is an excerpt I read about self sabotage (interesting that read this today considering my last two days..cowinky dinky?)

Self-sabotage is when you think and act in ways that clearly stop you from achieving your goals. This often happens when you’ve already proved that you do have what it takes to succeed.

There are several examples of self-sabotaging thoughts and actions some of which you may have encountered. For example:

Gradually returning to old habits after initial success
Setting unrealistic goals that are doomed to fail
Returning to old habits before you even give your goals a chance
Not believing you are good enough
Being afraid of change

For the past 5 weeks I have been motivated and moving like no one’s business. This week I can’t seem to get it together. Fighting with myself everyday before I even get out of bed. Trying to talk myself out of doing my c25k , sitting in front of the computer longer than I wanted, crying on the treadmill and then today the dogs.

A tiny (yet somewhat bright) little light bulb is going off…

Yhea that one right there. I think that maybe I’m trying to sabotage all the hard work I’ve put into this journey of lifestyle changes. I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid of never being as thin as the next person. I’m afraid of gaining the weight back that I’ve lost so far. I’m afraid of not being physically capable of losing weight because I’ve waited too long. The list goes on and on…

Add on top of that the innate ability to crush any positive thinking (“Hey I’m down 14 lbs – it’s not enough”, “Hey my pants feel baggy – but you’d still be buying a size 22 probably”, “Hey I think I feel muscles in my thighs – but your belly is jiggly”, “Hey look at me run – but it’s only for 60 seconds”) and you’ve got yourself the perfect recipe for … well lets just call it what it is : A big old mess.

Part of the reason for this blog is so that I can say this crap out loud cause if you can’t say it out loud you can’t acknowledge it. If you can’t acknowledge it you can’t begin to change it.

Tomorrow I’m going to get up and do my last c25k week one walk / run and I’m going to rejoice in the fact that I’m moving.I will celebrate my moving on to week two of c25k. I’m going to rejoice in the knowledge that I’m doing something good for me. I will acknowledge my hard work and congratulate myself.

I will rub my belly and say “you might be jiggly but have you seen your cousin the thigh?”