Perfection in the mirror

A few days ago Meegan and I were having one of our regularly scheduled Skype dates and she mentioned an article in the Huffington Post (Canada) about predictors that your partnership will succeed. As a newly married couple still living 4000 miles apart we have lots of opportunities to talk about things that might other wise be difficult standing in front of each other. There is a big safety net between two people when your communication comes down to seeing each other for a few hours a day via a computer screen and a few hundred texts going back and forth when away from said computer screen. We talk a lot about what our expectations are for when we are finally living in the same country, under the same roof and building a lifetime of memories together. We talk about what our communication styles looks like when we’re calm and in the moment and what they looks like when we’re listening to the demons of our past and sure we’re about to fail miserably at whatever task is at hand…

This particular article is an interview with the author about what makes a successful marriage and it’s the last question that sparked my interest in making a blog post (that will of course have nothing to do with marriage or being successful in a relationship with someone else but rather with ourselves) –  “What advice do you have for women who are looking for a mate?”  

This is the author’s response:

“You ultimately know who makes you happy. The good marriages tend to be between people who are truly paying attention to each other, who celebrate each other’s achievements, who are nice more than they are negative, who want to de-escalate arguments, who have similar values about money and family and who share the domestic and emotional burdens. I don’t know that science has taught us how to meet the right person. My personal advice is don’t focus so much on meeting the right person, but on filling your life with interesting people and things. That often leads you down a good path.”

The truth is, we shouldn’t just be applying this to the person (or persons) we choose to make a life with. This is something we should be applying to ourselves as we travel this life of losing weight, gaining control and changing our lives for the better. Too many times we are looking for the “Perfect Me”.

• If I just lose (insert number here) pounds I’ll be the perfect me.
• If I can get down to a size (insert number here) pair of pants I’ll be the perfect me.
• If I could just stop eating so much I’ll be the perfect me.
• If I could run faster or exercise longer I’ll be the perfect me.
• If I could just get my emotions together I’ll be the perfect me.
• If I could just stop binging I’ll be the perfect me.
• If I could just stop hating myself I’ll be the perfect me.
• If I could just stay on this weight loss journey I’ll be the perfect me.

You want to be the perfect you? The right you? The you you’ve been searching for your whole life? Then start paying attention to yourself. Stop looking so far down the road to the person you aren’t and look at who you are today. You are trying to change your life – give yourself credit for what you have accomplished and what you continue to fight for. We can’t be perfectionists any longer and then turn to food when we feel like we’re not doing enough or accomplishing what we think we should be. We can’t point fingers anymore and say “I want to do what (insert name here) is doing because look at how perfect s/he is” and then shove sugary/salty/crunchy/gooey/sticky/calorie laden foods in our mouths because we know deep down inside we will never be as good as the person we’re chasing.

Pay attention to yourself. Don’t go wandering off into your past rehashing what you think are old mistakes / failures / slips ups / wrong doings. Don’t go wandering off into a future you have no idea even exists. Stay here. Right now. Look at what you’re doing: Is it helping you move forward? Yes? Keep going. Is it hindering you from moving forward? Yes? Then knock it the fuck off and make the changes you know you need to make.

Pay attention to yourself. Stop looking at what the person next to you is doing / accomplishing. Who cares how fast they run or how much weight they can lift? Who cares if they are running a marathon after only running for three weeks and you’re barely walking around the block. Who cares if they’ve lost ten pounds this month and you’ve lost six ounces (and you think it’s due to your legs not being swollen anymore after walking around the block). Stop being so negative on yourself and find the positive in everything you do. Negativity breeds itself. The same goes for positivity. Riddle me this; If you run around the block today and say “Well that was a shitty job because I should be able to run two blocks” what’s the likelihood you’ll attempt to do it again and push yourself to do more? Run the same block and pat yourself on the back while say “Hell yes I did and you can bet your sweet loving ass I’ll do it tomorrow” and I can almost guarantee you’ll do it better than the day before and you’ll go farther.

Pay attention to yourself. De-escalate the negative thoughts in your head before they become so loud and obtrusive you can’t find your way out of your own thinking unless your flashlight is made out of cheese whiz and little debbie’s cupcakes. We didn’t get to be 100+ pounds over weight because we’re farting rainbows out of our asses we’re so pleased with ourselves. The negativity in our lives (whether from those around us or compounded by our own perceptions of who we are) got us to the point of obesity and it will strap us in and keep us locked down for the rest of our lives if we don’t cut the strap and surround ourselves with the positive attitude of  “I can. I will. I deserve this change more than anything”

Pay attention to yourself. You don’t have to carry the emotional burden of where you are in your life alone any more. If you are reading this blog: You are not alone. You think no one else in the world understands what you’re feeling or going through. You think no one understands the frustrations, the fears, the anger of having to make the changes necessary to save your life. Let me be very clear: You are wrong. I (we) know what defeat feels like when we’re having to admit we’re morbidly obese. I (we) know what it feels like to cry over food because we’re trying to make healthier choices and for the love of god why doesn’t this baked chicken breast turn into an large extra cheesy pizza with a two liter to wash it down with. I (we) know what it’s like to shed every piece of clothing, do our bathroom business and pray to whatever entity we believe in before we step on the scale and hope to see a loss and not a gain. I (we) know what it’s like to be afraid to go outside and try our hand at running because everyone (and I mean everyone) is going to look, point and laugh at the fatty trying to run. I (we) know what it’s like to lose 10, 20, 30 pounds and yet no one notices the difference because we’re so overweight that the loss doesn’t even begin to add up to what we have to lose to get into a “normal range”….We get you.

Pay attention to yourself. Fill your life with things you love. Love to walk? Then make that your passion. Love to swim? Then for the love of all that is pure get your ass in the water. Love music? Find a zumba class and shake that sexy body of yours until you’re so sweaty and full of happiness all you want to do is move forward in your life and catch the wave of change you deserve. Fill your life with foods that make you feel good emotionally hours after you eat, not minutes because you’re trying to stuff an emotion away. Discard the negatives and fill your life with the positives. Stand up and move forward. Fill your life with people that care about you and want to see you take control as much as you do. Fill your life with people way ahead of the game and get on their coat tails. Fill your life with people just starting out on their own journey and lend them a hand. This is your ball game: Pick your best team.

Stop focusing on the “Right you” at the end of the journey.

Focus on the “right you, right now”

It will lead you down the right path.

You know, the life changing one.