I had no idea there was such a thing as “Post Run Blues”
Now what?
However, after finishing my first half marathon: I have them. I feel sad and lost and not sure what to do with myself. I haven’t run since Sunday (though that will change in a few hours) and when I do get out there in a few hours with my friend Michael, I’m not sure how long I want to run for or where I even want to go. For the last four months of my life, I’ve been preparing to earn my 13.1 wings. Every time I ran (whether it was a mile on the treadmill or for 2 hours outside) the thought of crossing that finish line was always in the forefront of my mind. Last weekend I put all my hard work, thought processes and just plain old sweat into action and came away feeling elated and more in power than I ever had in my entire life.
Now I just feel like blah.
I’ve been doing some reading on PRB (post run blues) and am not so shocked to see it’s a common occurrence. I didn’t experience it after any of my shorter races so I wasn’t really prepared for the initial let down of finishing the race on Sunday. When I crossed the finish line I felt like a strong runner and now I’m worried that I won’t even go a mile once I step out my front door in a few hours. I wish someone had told me to expect this feeling of “okay now what”. I guess I experienced it a little when I finished my first triathlon back in September but even then I was thinking about the half marathon. At this point of the adventure, the biggest challenge I had was earning my first 13.1 and now that’s over.
I’ve picked a few “short” races to get to through the rest of the year. Funny how six months ago those “short” races seemed so long in distance. 5k’s and 10k’s seem short to me now. Fun runs. Something to do for 30 – 60 minutes. I’ve got some great challenges picked out for 2011 (including RAGNAR for July) and hopefully finding an Olympic distance triathlon to shoot for (why everything wants to happen the same time as Ragnar, I can’t figure out), but for now I’m just going to sit with my PRB, get through the holidays and keep reminding myself that now that I know I can run 13.1 miles, the race world is my oyster.
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I’ve been wanting to blog about my relationship with food and what I’ve learned about myself over the last 11 months (more so in the last month since hitting goal weight). I get nervous writing about food. You’ll notice I don’t blog too much about what I eat, or what my daily caloric intake is was or take pictures of my food. While food intake was is a big part of my LCJ it’s a more private affair. This isn’t about turning down an extra piece of cake at a birthday party, or sneaking in some fast food before heading home to cook dinner for the family. It goes much deeper as I’m sure many others out there experience.
I think about food even more so now that I’ve reached goal weight and have gone into what the world of weight loss calls “maintenance”. I’ve decided I can’t rely on counting calories for the rest of my life. It’s not conducive for me. It works for some but it’s too emotionally binding for me to do it at this point of the journey. Counting calories was a safe haven for me while losing the weight. Now it’s become bothersome and counter productive. I’ve been reading about Intuitive Eating and for the last month have been giving it my best shot.
I’ve learned a lot about myself over the last month.
Well let me rephrase that. I’ve lived with my behaviors for 35+ years so I’m not really “learning” about myself. It’s more of a “ohhhhhhh so that’s what they call it” type of epiphany. Funny thing about life: you really think you’re the only one. That is until you read something and go “oh wow, so other people do this too?”.
That’s sort of where I am at this point of the IEJ (Intuitive Eating Journey) – discovering that my relationship with food (while private) is not so uncommon in its behavior. I want to delve into it more but for now I’m just figuring out how to go through the day without counting a single calorie and giving myself permission to eat (what a concept!). The last 30 days post goal weight have been successful. I’m weighing in at 169 consistently and have not had one panic attack over food (been stressed out almost to the maximum yes – but no panic attacks).
While the each behavior alone could easily have a blog post dedicated to it, there are some things I’d like to point out about my relationship with food just so I can start to make sense of all the information I’m taking in.
- I eat almost consistently in survival mode
- I am afraid food will not be available to me
- When I eat, I often think about what it was like for me to eat as a child
- Bulimia while it gave me a sense of control it also allowed me to eat more food and feel safe
- I eat competitively when other people are involved
- The eating behaviors forced on me as a child, have evolved to eating behaviors I force on myself as an adult
- I don’t trust myself around food or my ability to have a healthy relationship with food
- I live my life meal to meal and think about food more than anything else (except money)
So there you have it, my relationship with food in a very very small nutshell. As the weeks go by I’ll blog more about each of these behaviors as they make themselves known to me. For now, I’d like to know what your relationship with food looks like. Under control? Out of control? WTF? Counting calories? Eating Intuitively? Reading any good books about this shit?
Time for oatmeal.
I’m currently rereading “Eating Mindfully” by Susan Albers. She writes a lot about disordered eating habits, and how to pay more attention to the food and the action of eating in order to build a healthy relationship with it. She has sort of a WW mindset, where technically nothing is off-limits – by placing restrictions on things and calling them “bad,” we will want them more. The focus ought to be on enjoying them reasonably instead of putting them on a pedestal, worshipping them, and then breaking down and having even more than we would have had if we had just enjoyed a little amount to begin with. There are exercises in there for learning how to be more mindful – they really helped me get through Halloween!
I always have a “big” event or two lined up after whichever event I’m currently training for/just finished. This has helped me avoid any long bouts of the PRB’s – I’ve managed to get through them in about a week or so because training for another event had to start up.
I have all the problems above. My eating from childhood was whack. My freedom came when I realized I would always be broken. It gave me the freedom to acknowledge my inability to fix it by ‘becoming normal’. So I will always count calories.
It is my tool to maintaining my weight.
I am like one of those animals who will eat themselves to death. So I am only allowed so many calories which I will portion out over time.
I came to much the same conclusion about human relations. I will never be completely normal. And that is okay. I have a unique take on the human experience and apart from working out my trust issues, I have decided the rest of me is okay.
i stopped counting calories a while back (even though I’ve still got a long ways to go) and have been doing intuitive eating ever since. i haven’t read the book though – but it just felt like the right thing to do. i haven’t had the same food issues as you though- no big habits of binging – but i do feel like “if i don’t eat this now, i’ll never get it again” so the IEJ for me has been working on that. i’ve also told myself that nothing is off-limits just because i don’t want to go crazy with what i can finally eat again when i get to goal weight and gain it all back.
Way back in the Dark Ages, when I was a child, there was a song on the radio about a man who ate granola and yogurt all day, but at night he turned into a Junk Food Junkie who scarfed down the twinkies. That’s kind of my relationship with food. I go around eating celery and carrots until after 8 pm — then it gets ugly.
And speaking of ugly, did I give you permission to use my picture on this post? 😉
(Or at least that’s how I feel like I look right now — Bad Hair Day to put it mildly.)
I am kind of living in a place of tension with food right now. I don’t want to count calories for the rest of my life, but I am willing to do so if that is what will help me maintain my weight. I am not currently counting calories, but am striving to make each meal reasonable in size, balanced, and healthy. I am also struggling a little with making healthy choices through the holidays, which feels weird because this journey has felt “easy” for a while now, and I just didn’t think I would have a tough time this year. I was wrong, and that’s okay. I am learning what works for me (high protein, lots of veggies and fruits, not having hard and fast “rules” around food) and what doesn’t (deprivation OR eating sugar every day, eating lots of grains, etc.).
Who knew?
Thanks for sharing about your post-race blues and everything else. I know that whatever comes next for you will be pretty dang awesome and I’m glad to be along for the ride!
Happy early birthday!!
post run blues are all too real. sound like a bad ass name for a band though.
I always learn something when I read your blog! I had no idea there was such a thing as post run blues but it makes sense there would be an emotional let down after months of training for one goal. How was that run with Michael? I bet you made it further that one mile. 🙂
Intuitive eating? You can bet your oatmeal I’m rushing off to google that! I am intrigued. Right now I count calories and like you I have absolutely no faith in my ability to control myself around food. I have also read and done the exercises in the Beck Diet book and was stunned to discover that I think about food CONSTANTLY: what I ate, when I’ll next eat, what I will eat when I next eat, is there cake in the kitchen? *sigh*
The run with Michael was great. About 6 miles. It was tough and all my muscles seized up afterwards but it solidified that I still like running even after a half marathon.
I think about food pretty constantly as well. I’m learning to turn that inward and instead of thinking about the food, I’m thinking about my hunger level. I think I’m over doing it just a tad as I keep asking myself every 5 minutes “are you hungry” 🙂
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