I had a conversation with a good friend of mine yesterday. She’s been on her own weight loss journey for some time now with some pretty good success. She wanted to lose weight for her wedding day and when that day came she slipped into her beautiful wedding gown and said her vows at the weight she desired. Then the weight started to slowly creep back up. You know how it is when you first get married. You want to spend every single minute together. Work can’t go on the back burner but a healthy lifestyle can. Your spouse tries to cook the healthy foods but some days you just want to sit on the couch together and eat things where the first ingredient listed is sugar (and maybe the only ingredient listed). It’s easy when there is a major milestone in front of you (like a wedding) but so difficult when losing weight is just because you don’t want to be fat anymore.
She mentioned that it was difficult at times to watch me on my journey because I was making leaps and bounds with my weight loss. Ten pounds a month for close to a year is what I was losing. She was there when I started walking stairs and switching out my diet cokes for water. She was there when I decided to take up running and slowly but surely built up my distance. She was there when I would pass up the donuts/cakes/chocolate/potlucks/pizza at work for food items with less sodium, less calories, less carbs and in some situations less taste than what everyone else was eating.
She said it was a little intimidating.
We all want to wake up one day, look in the mirror, see the fat on our body and know without a shadow of a doubt it will be all come off within a year. It was what I wanted when I decided enough was enough. But I wasn’t just looking in the mirror and seeing an obese, middle aged woman needing to shed 100+ pounds. I was also looking at someone who was clinically depressed. I was so unhappy with the way my life was going that I spent multiple hours a day trying to forget that I existed by playing World of Warcraft. I was trying to live out what I thought was the ideal life in a game.
I was dying.
I wasn’t dying in the physical sense. I was getting up everyday and going to work. I was paying my bills on time. I was functioning as a wife. I was spending time with family and for all intents and purposes I think the world thought I was happy.
On the outside.
But inside of me was diseased.
http://dattaabhishek.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/cliff.jpg
I tried to explain what life was like for me back in December of 2009. It was as if I was standing on a cliff. The very tips of my toes on the edge. That was where I was. One strong wind away from going over the edge. Would I have physically died? Maybe not but I was already emotionally, mentally and spiritually dead. I had no purpose. I had no potential. I was just a body of emptiness walking this planet.
For whatever reason (one that I may never understand) I was pulled from that cliff. A small feeling of “Tara, you’re worth the fight” was ignited and I fought my way back to living life. In the beginning I had no idea that a short year from that first stair I climbed, that first diet coke I would decline to drink, that first piece of pizza I would pass up in order to eat a bulgar wheat salad I would be writing blog posts about being a runner, a substantial weight loss success story and thinking about ways of saving the lives of those that I touch.
In the beginning I was surrounded by darkness.
It wasn’t a physical life or death situation. I would have continued to live physically. It was uncomfortable. I couldn’t climb a set of stairs, I had to shop in the plus size department. I had to lift parts of my body in order to wash underneath them. But it was doable. It was a life or death situation to my mental health, my emotional health and now I’m finding it was also a life or death situation to my spiritual well being.
I was living on the outside.
But dead on the inside.
So yes my results are not typical. I was (and am) on a different journey than most. I really am out to save the lives of those that I touch. I never want someone to feel they are not worthy of living a life they deserve. I never want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me they can’t. I never want someone to say it’s not worth it. I never want someone to feel dead on the inside when there is so much life on the outside to experience.
I am surrounded by light.
I want to share that light more than you will ever know.
My results were not typical.
But they are possible.
And because of them,
I am alive
And you have helped a lot of people on their way already! [me included!] Thanks for all the encouragement that you gave me along the way!
Your results are not typical, but neither are you. You are special, you are inspirational and I find myself thinking of you often. When it’s too hard, when it hurts, when I want to quit, I think of you and I draw strength.
For that I am forever grateful.
heart you. Results not typical, but are indeed possible.
holy crap wanker, you’re right! just added that to the blog post. Thanks!
I want to be in the “Results Not Typical” category too one day! Luv u.
You’re right…your results are not typical and I too have had twinges of jealousy but those twinges are so OVERPOWERED by my amazement of YOU…the woman who sparked my forward movement. I’m so encouraged and supported by you Tara and your LCJ has impacted me in ways that I can’t articulate. I’m so proud of you! I see the box of donuts at work and it’s a HUGE fight…WWTD???? (my version of your WWOPD?) one I continue to battle and don’t always win. But I will win and because of you and watching your ups and downs I know that there is hope with determination and fortitude.
LOVE YOU so much and grateful for your presence in my life.
Some days I read your posts & want to sob, because that is me. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff right now. Every day is a struggle to get out of bed. I feel dead inside. I feel like I don’t matter. Some days I feel like no one would care if I just disappeared. I hate, hate, hate those feelings! I did great for a few weeks getting up & going to the gym early. Now I don’t want to get out of bed. I know working out first thing makes me feel so much better. But actually doing it is so hard.
Here’s a little secret: you do matter.
Nothing more. Nothing less. You matter. The problem is that you don’t believe that. I didn’t believe it for the first 40 years of my life. I hated myself so much that I couldn’t even fathom I mattered to someone else. It wasn’t until I allowed myself to forgive my past, let go and love that something awesome happened: I believed with my heart that I was truly important.
I don’t have any words of wisdom to get you out of that dark place. Only compassion. Take the steps forward you deserve. How you feel about yourself is only self prophesying a failure you have already given in to. Would you let someone you love do the same? Would you let me.do the same?
Jessie,
I have those feelings, too. Where every day-you don’t want to face the world. You feel like you don’t matter – and getting anywhere seems to take all the strength in the world.
“Some days I feel like no one would care if I just disappeared.” — I struggle with that one all the time, too.
But here’s the wonderful thing. You NOW have two people that do care if you disappear. I started my blog because I wanted to be accountable for my actions and my behavior during this journey of weight loss. But I learned something. It’s not JUST about the pounds. It has to do with knowing that YOU are worth it. And, believe me…God knows you’re worth it. I know you’re worth it, Tara knows you’re worth it!! I’ll be praying for you, and hoping that you believe it too! We are here for you, okay?
Once again. You leave me speechless with your words. You are alive, you are powerful, you are amazing. Thank you for shining your light.
Tara, thank you so much for your words. Every day, it helps me push harder and go farther.
Thank YOU.
You help change others lives just by existing…. thank you for sharing your continued journey and the hurdles you encountered. It helps me know everything I feel is not unusual.
I had to come over here and check out your blog again after the amazing comment you left me, and I’m so glad I did. I’m definitely subscribing now so I can keep tabs on you lol. This post really got me because I battle depression also and I used to spend hours and hours every day playing World of Warcraft, letting my real life slip by as I put all my effort into my toon’s life. Giving up that game and finally opening my eyes again to what was right in front of me was a huge catalyst for change.
I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts 🙂
I was at that same dark place two months ago… Yes, it is possible to push back from the abyss and start changing your life. Thank you for providing a shining example!
You gave me an epiphany, I seriously needed an ah ha moment. Thanks for letting a little bit of that light spill over. <3
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine!
I don’t know how you did it, but you reminded me of my catch phrase!
That is all I can write right now, my brain is spinning and my ears are watering!
much love & big hugs!!
Sheesh, Tara, what are you trying to do to me here? I don’t understand how you can write exactly what I feel……..for the most part. I don’t have 100+ lbs to lose (50+) but the emptiness, the standing on the cliff, dying on the inside, no spirituality, all of that, I get it, believe me. Why the fuck do you have to live on the West Coast? I feel truly honored to be able to read your posts, most people would not be doing what you are doing now; they would be very happy with their successes and move on. Not you- please keep writing. Thank you- it really is amazing to know that we are NOT alone, thank you.
I just need to find a way to take not typical and remember that it is still possible for me. I need to find the way for it to be possible…
Tara………you have SUCH a beautiful way of writing. I can totally feel what you are saying……and I know it comes totally from your heart. Thank you.
You are an amazing example of what hard work and determination can do. Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story with us! Your raw, honest and poignant posts really are touching a lot of lives and it gives us hope that we too can do this too Tara.
Your writing is so beautiful. I’m glad you saved yourself.
Everything you write is beautiful. It’s like I hear harmonies and melodies while I’m reading your posts.
You are such an inspiration! So glad you saved yourself. I only hope I can be as inspiring as you at http://www.futurefitgirl.com