A funny thing happened while on this LCJ.
I’ve learned how to live.
One of the most amazing things about waking up one morning and deciding that weighing 263 pounds was not where I wanted to be any longer is figuring out that this stopped being about ONLY losing weight fairly quickly and became more about just living life.
The last time I went on vacation it was to Ohio to visit my friend Michelle back in June. I’d been on this journey for about 5 months and down 50 pounds. I thought I was ready. I thought I was prepared. I did the best I could with the tools that I had provided myself but in the end I had a major freak out (all internally of course) and ended up purging after one particularly heavy meal. I felt out really out of control after that and was super disappointed in myself. It took a long time to not feel defeated and wondering if I would ever get it right and an even longer time to forgive myself. I came home and vowed never to go anywhere on vacation again.
This week I went to San Francisco.
I was really scared nervous freaked out. I didn’t want to repeat Ohio. I didn’t want to obsess about everything I put in my mouth. I didn’t want to feel like I had to spend hours and hours sweating off some preconceived notion that I was going to come back weighing 263 pounds because I put something in my mouth that I didn’t know the exact calorie / sodium / fat / protein count. I wanted to spend the week just living in my body the way it was meant to be lived in.
Without fear.
Without guilt.
Without self loathing.
And you know what? I did it. Yes I thought about food choices, but I ate everything I wanted. I also pushed my plate away when I was full. I ate things that 3 months ago I never even would have allowed myself to THINK about eating.
Holy Smokes! Is that a keilbasa in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
I did sweat a lot while there but not because I told myself I had to in order to maintain some level of control over the course of the next 5 days. I ran because I wanted too. It was something I was looking forward to when I got up in the morning. Just me and the streets of San Francisco. No pressure. No set distance. No “oh my god I have to run off the (insert food item) I ate last night”. I got to challenge myself running up hills and feeling pretty much like a rock star because the last time I was in San Fran I looked like this:
I ran the streets looking like this:
Yes, that is the "Full House" Back drop.
The best part about sweating while in San Francisco is it only happened while I was running. It didn’t happen just because I was out moving. I walked like a mad man over the course of the five days. I walked up hills. I walked up stairs. I walked block after block after block and it didn’t even phase me. Let me repeat that: IT DIDN’T EVEN PHASE ME.
Don’t get me wrong. There were a few minor bumps in the road. But they were just that: minor. One small panic attack over something non food related was the worst thing that happened. It didn’t even last more than 5 minutes before I was moving on to the next awesome part of my trip. For the first time in my adult life I was out participating in my vacation instead of dreading it.
Obviously Mickey Mouse plays for the Giants (only 4 fingers)
SF Giants (2) vs. Colorado Rockies (1)
Golden Gate Bridge on my way BalsaMan (yep, I went to a beach party of sorts!)
The things you see when you walk to your destination instead of driving.
Random buffalo I saw while running at 630a. So awesome!
This LCJ isn’t about just losing weight for me. Yes of course it’s still a major part of my everyday existence but I can be thin and still be depressed and isolated. This journey is about learning to step outside of something I once found comforting (being alone) and doing something I was afraid to do for so long: LIVE!
Full House back drop! So jealousssss. You look so great and you enjoyed yourself. What more can you ask for ma’am.
well i wanted to ask that Miss Molly was there to help me run them hills but you know how that goes!
You look awesome! I’m glad you had a blast on your vacation 🙂
Thanks April. It was by far the best vacation in a long long time.
This makes me happier than almost anything. The fact that you got to enjoy your vacation and food with no major freak outs is huge enormous incredible progress in the very best way. I’m seriously tearing up reading this I’m so bursting with joy and pride for you.
This LCJ is no question about so much more than the weight loss.
This kind of realization and moment is bigger than a Onederland moment, its bigger than the scale – you changed you how you think.
Wait – YOU CHANGED HOW YOU THINK!
Do you know how hard that is? Of course you know how hard that is – you did it. Its heroic Tara. I can’t wait to hug it out with you in Vancouver. Think how much stronger we’ll be in 9 more months when that happens? Amazing stuff my friend. xo
Hug it out or KETTLEBALL it out????
This has been an amazing journey for both of us. All the ups and even all the downs have made up so much stronger today than when we first met. The next 9 months are going to ROCK!
Awesome, just awesome!
Thanks Jessi!
Love the shot of the Golden Gate Bridge, as well as the Full House background. One of my friends passed on to me a line from her WW leader: It’s a Live-it not a Die-it and that’s definitely the feeling I got from your post. It’s all about incorporating changes we’ve made into life. Life doesn’t stop due to a weight loss plan. Great work.
It’s nice to finally be able to really put into actions what I’ve been learning for the past 8 months. Life doesn’t stop due to a weight loss plan! Best thing I’ve heard all week!
yay for vacation running! yay for not obsessing! yay for LIVING!!
You forgot Yay for nuns!
You did AWESOME! That’s what this is all about, and you have it nailed. 🙂
Thanks Jeremy. I did pretty much hammer that nail on the spot this time!
Please tell me you bought us matching lucha libre masks. 😉
Uh no.
But I did think about how cool it would be to totally be there with you and buy two just so we could wrestle on the streets of San Francisco.
You look great Tara! I’m glad you took control of your life and had a great time on Vacation. It’s awesome to live life huh?
It.Is.Awesome!!!
I had no idea what we were missing!
That is so awesome Tara, I am so proud of you. Way to go out and live your life and enjoy yourself!!
Thanks Brandon. It was pretty much an epic vacation!
Fantastic post! Very inspiring…..thank you.
Thank you Cindie
Woo-hoo! I’m *so* glad you had fun and didn’t analyze the crap out of every food choice or every run while you were there. AMEN to this being about LIFE and not just weight loss.
Amen Val!
Glad you had a great vacation and bravo on living life! Love your mindset. Hope to achieve it myself some day. I’m working on it thanks to inspiring peeps such as yourself that are on the same path.
Don’t say hope Liz. Say I will achieve it someday and that someday is right here in front of me. I know it’s difficult to think it can actually be done (living a healthy balance with food) but it can be done. Even the smallest movement in a forward direction takes you farther away from you beginning and closer to you destination.
That’s amazing! I’m so glad you were able to enjoy your vacation. 🙂
Thanks Aimee!
And you didn’t pick me up a new lucha libre mask. What… you didn’t know my head size?
Oh I knew your head size but there wasn’t one that came in leopard print to go with that sexy ass robe you have!
Tara you are looking fab! I’m passing on a reward! http://georgiabe.wordpress.com/2010/09/07/happy-101/
Thanks Georgie!
Looks like you had a great time! Great job with the running! 🙂
Thanks Steve.
So jealous of your travels! And wow! You have come so far, in the pics and with your choices. I love reading about your journey. Fantastic.