The Battle
North = my mind
South = my body
Neither of these armies are the enemy, and yet both sometimes play the “bad guy” in this battle over a lifestyle change. Today the bad guy was my mind. The battle went something like this:
It’s quiet outside, the clock ticks over to 6am. Beeeeep, Beeeeeep goes the alarm. Snooze once. Snooze twice. I feel the war going on.
North: “Stay in bed today. You don’t need to run today. Yes, I know it’s the last day of week 8, but please we need sleep”
South: “Get up soldier. I want to run today. MOVE MOVE MOVE!”
I lay there and think about my options.
I can stay in bed.
I can run tomorrow.
I can sleep in for an hour and then get up.
I can just skip the run and head to the gym.
North: “PLEASE STAY IN BED. YOU DON’T NEED TO GET UP!!!”
South: “If you don’t get out of this bed right now, you know you won’t get out of this bed tomorrow. LET’S GO!!
I finally throw back the covers. There is no motivation. Determination is a distant thought. I sit on the couch and think about how I’m going to get out this door.
I start with one shoe.
I start with the other shoe.
I check my ipod shuffle to make sure I’m all cued up.
I open the door: Rain!
North: “Rain??!! Oh come on. You can’t be serious. Look here’s the excuse we’ve been waiting for. Get the dogs and go back to bed!”
South: “Seriously, are you going to let this be what deters you from running today? This weather makes you stronger. You know there won’t be anyone else on the track. 28 minutes isn’t going to kill you. GET IN THE CAR!”
I get to the track. Stretch. Start walking for warm-up…
North: “You won’t make it today. You’ll walk at some point. I just know it. You’re tired and look how hard it was for you to even get here. You should have stayed home.”
South: “What the hell is North talking about? You will make it today. This is the third time you’ve run for 28 minutes. You just have to go around the track 7.5 times to get to the 1.8ish mile you did on Tuesday. North, should just shut the hell up.”
Lap #1 (.25 miles) – good
Lap #2 (.50 miles) – good
Lap #3 (.75 miles)- North: “Please, just walk a little bit. The wind is horrible”
Lap #4 (1.0 miles)- good. I get the halfway prompt from podcast.
Lap #5 (1.25 miles)- North: “Can you just walk for 1/4 of a lap? PLEASE!! I DON’T LIKE THIS ANYMORE. THE WIND! THE RAIN! LOOK YOU GOT OUT HERE OKAY, THAT’S GREAT, BUT DAMMIT THIS IS TOO MUCH. NO ONE WILL KNOW IF YOU JUST STOPPED RIGHT NOW.” (*I start crying because at this point I want North to win and I don’t want to keep running anymore)
South: “Oh for Pete’s sake shut your yapping. We’re almost done.”
Lap #6 (1.50 miles) – Good.
Lap #7 (1.75 miles) – Good
Lap #8 (2.0 miles) – North: “I knew you could do it!”
South: “(sigh) whatever”
3 sessions to go….
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As a reward for running the 28 minutes successfully despite the epic battle, I decide that a swim was in order. I head out to the gym. As I enter and head to the woman’s locker room I see a woman taking a set of stairs two at a time. I see she is struggling. This is part of her work out. She’s older and overweight but she is giving it her best. I stop to watch. She’s got that look of determination that makes you just want to start clapping. You can tell she’s in pain, but doesn’t want to give up. No one else seems to notice her. Everyone else just doing their thing, gettin their sweat on…
I noticed her.
Because that look on her face is what I was feeling this morning. I wanted to shout out “Keep going! You can do this! I felt the same way this morning”. I don’t. I just wait for her to get to the top.
She makes it.
She starts to cry on her way down.
I look at her when she reached the bottom.
“I cried too this morning”
Then we high fived each other and went about our business.
I swam 50 laps.
——————————————————————————————-
Yesterday I got home and my husband took one look at me and promptly ordered me to go out and buy a new pair of jeans. I’m having a hard time letting go of my old clothes. There is a lot of fear in losing weight, when it has been a part of you for so long. I know most people who have lost a significant amount of weight understand what I’m talking about.
With buying new clothes, there is an underlying fear that I may need them again some day. What if the weight comes back? Buying clothes when fat is already hard, but to do it when you are just starting out on a weight loss journey can be both exciting and stressful.
I can’t deny that my wardrobe is now too big for me.
So with strict instructions I went and bought a new pair:
The pair on the bottom is the pair I went shopping in.
The pair on the top is what I came home with.
This is one of the reasons why I’m moving more and eating less!
Girl, how did you get in my head?! I have *so* been a part of that battle and I’m so EXCITED for you that your grown-up self won today. There will be days when the BEST decision is to stay home, sleep in, and give your body rest. You knew that today wasn’t about that so you stuck it out. GOOD FOR YOU!!
Thanks Valerie!
OMG! The jeans! So incredible!
And I love your high-five moment at the gym. That’s fantastic. Two very determined people going about their very important business. So great.
Your North/South conversation while running is exactly what happens in my head too. I don’t have any trouble getting up in the morning anymore to get to the workouts, but this running business is a whole new league.
I’m still so impressed with the jeans (the husband is wise!). That has to feel amazing!
It’s hard to believe that I’m an 18/20 now. I’ll have an even harder time believing it when I get down to a 16 lol.
Great job. You won…the south was the devil. just sayin’/
Want to feel better about getting rid of your old pants.
You know that saying “burn your bridges’.
Burn your pants.
I did.
nothing will make you feel better.
I swore to myself years ago that if I ever got up the gumption to lose the weight, I would burn every last stinkin’ pair of fat pants.
So, I did.
go head…it’s fun.
Oh I like the idea of burning them!
In the end, I’ll probably end up donating them this weekend.
Ok….I saw you walk into the kitchen the other day at work and I thought….that girl NEEDS new jeans. Then I thought…well, maybe she’s rockin that gangster look. Glad the hubby told you to go shopping.
Thanks for sharing the story of your North and South battle…I’ll add it to my file of things to remember. You’re an amazingly strong and dedicated woman and I’m happy to have you in my life. You’ve made a difference for me and my family. As a result of me starting the C25K, my neice in New York has started it too….her mom has started walking and the three of us are trying to lose 20 pounds by the time I visit NY. You moving has moved others.
I am from Tacoma Kelly, so the gangster thing was pretty close. You know I’m OG like that. I’m still in awe at all the moving people are doing around me. So fantastic!!! I’m really proud of you. I can’t wait to run with you!
Great version of the epic battle between mind and body. It is always an eye opener when I read something that hits so close to home, and in this case, makes me realize that we all go through so many things between our own ears that others are unaware of because of outward appearances. We are not alone in this battle, it just feels like it sometimes. I have been enjoying reading your blog, and congratulations on the new jeans!
I teared up/got goose bumps from this post. That was an amazing moment you had at the gym so thank you for sharing it. Kudos to your husband! That’s a really big difference between those pants!! Now you can show off your runner’s butt. 😀