I spent seven years on this highway. I got on this road right after an emotional break up when I was 31. I walked into my doctors office, filled out a questionnaire measuring my level of depression (off the charts) and was given a prescription for Paxil. Within 6 months I was up to 40 mg a day, feeling better and never a word from my doctor about the other avenues I could take to combat my depression. Not once were the words “nutrition”, “exercise”, “cognitive behavior therapy” or just plain old “take care of your past to get to your future” mentioned. I thought because I was able to function as an adult (go to work, pay my bills and maintain a relationship) on some level of normalcy I was no longer depressed. After seven long years I decided that enough was enough. I didn’t want to be tied to a pill every morning. I wanted off that highway and I wanted off of it right quick. At the age of 38 I decided to stop my medication.
I quit cold turkey.
I know, I know. It was probably one of the stupidest things I’ve done but also one of the smartest. Yes, I had horrible withdrawals. I spent many a day laying across the back of my couch (not on the cushions, literally on the back like a cat) wondering if this was my life forever. I ached all over for weeks. Insomnia became my closest friend. Yes it was stupid, but I stuck with it. I knew it wouldn’t be like this forever (even though at times it felt that way). I let my body feel what it needed to feel and got through to the end.
A month later and all has subsided.
I thought I had conquered depression. I wasn’t medicated and I was still functioning. I was wrong. I was just a functioning depressed person. Over the next two years I became more lethargic and less motivated / less in the moment / more withdrawn from life and just plain old sad. I got to my highest weight of 275 and life was at a stand still. I had seriously just accepted things and thought this was the way life was going to be for me.
In June of 2009 I watched the love of my life make a huge life changing decision that would also put me on the path to rediscovering myself (or discovering for the first time since I’ve never really known who I was). I didn’t know that six months later I would embark on one of the hardest adventures of my life. I started putting into plan the words the doctors failed to educate me about nine years previous. I started examining my nutritional habits (bad), my exercise habits (non-existant), and started intense therapy to look at my past to find the way to my future. I took the first step to begin a journey that would not only help me to become physically stronger but emotionally stronger as well. It has by no means been easy. I’ve seen some dark times in the last six months. I’ve had my fair share of bumps in the road. What I thought were set-backs were just experiences to learn from and move forward. One bad situation does not end the story but rather adds to the complexity of where I want to go. I can say without a doubt the following statement and know it to be true:
“Today I am no longer a functioning depressed person.”
You want to know how I know this?
My next door neighbor (whom I consider a close friend) said to me this morning: ” I love that you have a bounce in your step now“. Not only are the physical changes apparent but my emotional changes are just as obvious. I am a different person now.
No matter where you are on your path or what you are trying to do, please don’t give up. Whether it’s 6 days, 6 months or 6 years the changes are coming.
You’re worth it.
Your life will thank you.
Everyone sees dark times, but it’s learning how to deal with it and finding the silver lining that counts.
And, I honestly believe figuring out weight problems and actually living healthily is 80% mental and only 20% everything else. Everything we think and believe about ourselves affects everything else we do. The second we start dealing with the ghosts of our pasts, the bones in our closets, we start healing. We might never be fully recovered, there will be scars, but at least we are healing and we are being active about the healing.
You have a bounce in your step. And I better see it one day! Perhaps Disney World Marathon January 2011? Could be a weekend holiday with the hubs?!
I totally agree with you Jess. Now that I am taking care of me in all aspects of life the way I view this journey is so much more different that when I first started. Its hard to heal but its harder to sit around and watch my life go by!
This is so true! As you know I have a long history of bipolar disorder. My medication has been cut in half since I changed my eating and exercise habits. It is startling, but so encouraging.
Changing medication can be so scary. Hell this journey is scary but so worth it.
I love this post. I know exactly what you mean- I was depressed for 3 month because I was on accutane. Not fun at all. I was overweight, my back hurt, I ate horribly, I had no social life, I slept all day..then I started to work out and lose weight. I’m a whole new person today and I love it. It’s one of the best decisions I have made in my life.
Miss Molly, it’s amazing the transformation we’re both experiencing. Let’s make sure we never have to go through this again!
Great post. I have been in and out of mild depression for years. I do believe we have to help ourselves by moving our bodies to relieve some of what’s going on in our heads, and stop poisoning those bodies by putting the unhealthy foods in our mouths. (I am telling you this while trying to convince myself!) Anyway, thanks for the great post!
Pushing my body has done more for my psyche than medication ever did.
Wonderful post and great writing! i was moved! I GET IT!! Completely. It IS a mental “game” and it is worth it. Thank you for saying it!!! It truly helps us all!!
Thanks!
Wonderful, wonderful post! I totally get the docs giving you pills instead of exploring other options…but when you get to a point that you truly examine what you are doing with your life, you begin to take it back. Looking at nutrition and exercise as a cure for what ails you is a very positive step.
I needed to read this post! To be reminded to never give up. Thanks!
Don’t you ever give up!
Thank you Tara.
You’re welcome Ed!
Amen, Tara. It’s so inspiring to read about how you and so many friends in the blogging world have made life-changing decisions. It’s true – the key is to NEVER GIVE UP! I look forward to seeing the bounce in your step in person when we have a chance to meet up!
We so need to run together!!!!
I would love to, even though you’d probably leave me in the dust! I can be your pacer – that is, the kind of pacer that makes you go reallllyyy slowwww! lol
I bet your faster than you let yourself think you are!
It makes my head spin to think how many individuals are over medicated when some good old fashioned self esteem may be the best cure-all. Good post friend.
As someone who has seen both sides now, I would just like to say I’ll take Self-Esteem over the 40mg of Paxil any day!
I’m so glad that you’ve passed beyond the “functioning depression”. And thank you for this post. I think I needed it more than I realized.
You’re welcome!
Great post Tara. I hate that depression is such a taboo subject in our society. A lot of people have similar issues. And you are right, you can see through to the other side and exercise can really help. Thanks for posting this.
Thanks Bobbie! I wish doctors would be more willing to talk about other avenues to getting over depression but the power of the pharmaceutical industry is hard to combat.
[…] Found out I have a bounce in my step and can unequivocally declare I am no longer a “functioning depressed” person. I also […]