Want to know what my plans are?
Here’s one of them:
Today even!
I’m breaking away from the traditional run like mad crazy to get to the finish line as fast as Tara possible to do my very first mud run. I’m nervous as fuck. I have no idea what to expect (except to get dirty). I’m scared I won’t finish and get my bad ass tiki medal (I won’t lie, it’s the only reason I signed up for this race). I’m afraid I’m going to get hurt. I’m worried I won’t be strong enough to get up the rope wall or mud hill. I don’t like surprises and there are two mystery obstacles in this 3.3 mile, 14 obstacle course.
Mostly I’m sad because I’m going alone.
It’s one of the hardest parts about ending a long term relationship.
In almost every race since I started running last year, I’ve gone with another runner or had Mitch/friends go to support me. Last week I did the Sound to Narrows 12k run as it was my one year anniversary race. It was the very first race I went too completely alone. I drove myself there, I walked myself to the starting line, I ran and when I crossed the finish line I grabbed my stuff and left. It was a tough race and when I needed someone to take care of me because I was too sore to move, I cried out of pain and loneliness as I stood up to take care of me.
This may take some getting used too.
(shameless photo opportunity in 3…2….1)
Sound to Narrows race anniversary (L) 6/2010 (R) 6/2011 Hard to believe it's the same person.
So yhea Survivor mud run
Alone
Still gonna be Awesome!
Just doing the mud run would make for a fantastic weekend but there is something else happening that I’ve not really shared too much with the blogger world because this is one of those events in my life that is monumental. I’m flying to Florida tomorrow (red eye after mud run) to see my aunt Kathee and my brother Kevin…
The last time they saw me I looked like this:
This is the picture I hate most of all out of that trip to New York back in September 2009. It would still be 4 months before I realized I didn’t want to live my life the way it was going. It’s difficult to look at these pictures and know that I am was that 270 pound person. I recognize myself and at the same time it feels surreal to know the person that is writing this blog post is some where in there waiting to be set free.
They’ve seen progress pictures during the last 18 months but they’ve yet to wrap their arms around this much smaller body or hang out with this much happier soul. It’s exciting. And yet I’m sad that they missed out on being a part of this journey with me. I’ve been thinking a lot about my family as of late. Being a part of Mitch and his family for the last 10 years helped to fill a void. My family (except for my niece whom I love and adore) have always been separated by thousands of miles and years of family “crap”. Now that the void is not being filled by the Mitch and my in-laws, my heart longs to be a part of something to call my own.
This is another part of the journey.
The part where I love them.
The part where they love me.
All of me.
(Just smaller)
I love that last photo of you.
Its such an honest, open, clear, happy shot.
The mud run sounds great – not sure if we have any of those here in Australia – but it looks like a hell of a lot of fun! I am sure it will a blast to run – so much that you will forget all your worries.
Hope your weekend is all you wanted and more…..
You are never going anywhere truly alone. Not in the full spirit and meaning of that word anyway. If I had it my way I’d be running with you today.
Remember that the opportunity to do all of the runs came as a wish, and your strength of spirit, character and body are making that wish come true today and with every race you finish.
xo
Awwww – the panda! SO precious! Ahhhh – alone – loneliness – so different. The first time I realized that loneliness was an inside thing and had nothing to do with people was when I was with a BIG group of people (like hundreds) all saying the Serenity Prayer and I was SOOOOOOOOOO lonely. Quite the wake up moment for me for sure.
So I fill my soul – music, deep breaths, sharing a smile, offering help – always medicine for me. Hugs!
It is so hard and for me Sad going to a race alone. Both my parents are gone, Im single and most of my friends live at least an hour away if not 20 hours away. I know if I took my daughter she would be the biggest cheerleader out there but being only 10 she cant just hang out while Mommy run’s a 5k. It makes it mentally harder knowing you just have you to cheery you on. It sucked coming in dead last with no one there at the finish line on my last race. But I finished! I am proud of me for doing it and I am proud of you Tara. I will be there at every one of your races in spirit cheering you on as loud as possible! GO TARA! YOU GOT THIS!
No doubt you’ll get that tiki medal. Hope you have a terrific time with your family too.
You are just so inspiring. Seriously.
You are never alone, I like to think I am running with you today in spirit in all that mud and fun.
You are so very strong, brave, and inspiring to me.
Have fun visiting your family!!!
Amazing and inspiring…thank you! What a difference a year makes! I’ve been watching a new show (Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition–Monday nights on ABC at 10pm/9c)that follows one person’s weight loss journey over the course of a year…so dramatic to see it in 1 hour!
Have an amazing run!
I often go to races alone too & feel lonely. More local races. My family will often be there for the finish but it would be really wonderful to have friends to share the experience with. I was part of a tri team but found I couldn’t really participate in many of the team trainings. I miss it. I would love to get together with some other like minded people at races. What other races are you planning this year? I really haven’t looked at many yet except the Warrior Dash because I have been so busy & frankly haven’t quite got my motivation back & don’t want to go alone. I signed up for the Warrior Dash because it looked feakishly fun
I’ve run all of my races but one alone, but usually my husband will meet me at the end. Even though I run alone, I feel like I am part of a bigger entity – all of the other people running, and there are many who are solo. It must be hard when you don’t have family nearby to cheer you on though. Your progress pictures are amazing, your aunt and brother are going to be so thrilled to see you!
So behind. And now I’m sure you’re working on a post about the run, or maybe you will be after you get back from FL. But you’re never alone, friend. Just remember that.