- www.healingintensives.com
I’ve been struggling.
It’s no secret that for the past few weeks (maybe even months) I’ve been struggling on this LCJ. Struggling with food, with staying in the moment, and with extreme life changes. All through out this journey I’ve been like an open book. What I feel, I post. Whatever emotion is running rampant in my life is also running rampant on this blog. The good, the bad and most definitely the ugly.
I feel like I’m at the ugly part of this journey.
It’s hard to admit that, as someone who has lost a significant amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time, life is not all that much greener on this side of the Life Changing Journey as I had hoped. I know we all think it’s going to be glorious and we’ll be free of those demons that helped us button our size 24 pants day in and day out when we finally get down to a single digit size. We think we’ll be free of the demons that loved us as we shoveled in pints of ice cream and downed 2 liters of diet coke when we can finally control our food. We think we’ll be free of those demons that whispered no one will love us when we’re labeled as morbidly obese when we finally go to the doctor’s and they proclaim us to be within a healthy weight.
I live my life as an open book because it’s important for me to be brutally honest with what’s happening to me mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s important to be brutally honest with those that choose to walk this path by my side so that they know what’s happening with me (especially if I can’t find the words to tell them). It’s important to be brutally honest with those that are just starting out on their own journey so that they can put the necessary tools in their much needed tool box to stand up, move forward and take control. It’s important for me to brutally honest with those that are no longer in the weight loss mode of their journeys but rather just living so that they know they are not alone in their struggles and that this was never going to be a game to the finish but rather be a game of nothing but extra innings that will go on as long as we’re breathing.
It sometimes feels like it’s not worth being on this journey.
Crying.
Feeling frustrated.
Having fear.
Not believing.
Wanting to give in.
Missing food as a comfort.
And then sometimes the universe slaps you in the face and says “Pay Attention”
As I struggle to find balance between my new life and letting go of my old ways of thinking I am often left feeling like I shouldn’t be motivating others to take control. How can I possibly tell you that the processed bags of shit you’re putting in your mouth don’t care about you when I find myself eating without thought and trying to find comfort in healthier types of food just like I did with calorie laden food? How can I tell you to stand up and break a sweat because your body hungers to move and become strong when I struggle to strap on my own running shoes and hit the pavement? How can I tell you to love yourself because you deserve to live the life that is waiting to be claimed when I still struggle to love the new body I’ve worked so hard for and miss the old body that gave me so much comfort?
Because the universe tells me that what I say helps.
This last week has been especially hard and I have in turn taken it out on myself. Life is about to change in ways I have yet to comprehend and in those changes comes fear of not being good enough. Comes fear of not being emotionally strong enough. Comes fear of “what if I fuck this up”. I’ve eaten foods that don’t make me feel good. I’ve zoned out while eating and gone past eating not for hunger but for comfort. I’ve allowed my mind to win the battle over the body and not taken the necessary time to move even when my muscles scream to be pushed. I’ve cried myself to sleep thinking I’m not good enough even when those around me (both in real life and in my virtual life) proclaim that not only am I good enough for them but good enough for myself.
Last night I went to bed feeling like I was a failure.
This morning I woke up and the universe had spoken.
I received an email from someone I’ve never laid eyes on. Someone up until this morning I didn’t even know existed. But this person knew who I was. This person took the time to write to me and tell me how much I inspired them to make the necessary changes in their life. I imagined when she wrote that email early this morning she might have thought she was writing to someone that probably wouldn’t think too much about her words. That wouldn’t be moved by her words to the point of tears. That wouldn’t feel undeserving of such kindness by a complete stranger…
She thought I was helping her.
She has no idea of the impact she’s had on me.
This journey is fucking hard. If someone had told me on December 29th 2009 the life I was about to begin living would often leave me curled up on a bed crying, would come with as much fear as I’ve felt over the last 19 months, would eventually lead me to leave what I had known for the previous 10 years to leap into unknown waters I would have firmly sat my 270 pound body down and refused to move.
It’s been hard.
It’s been worth every thing I am.
Everything I am becoming.
I’m not even really sure how to end this post. At the same time that I experience frustration and fear there is love and patience. At the same time I experience confusion and a desire to give up there is clarity and a need to fight. At the same time there is sadness and missing what once was there is joy and excitement over what is about to become.
This life that I am scared of living…
Is all about Life.
(Thanks Jen)
OMG Tara, you took the words outta my head
I swear both of us (and not just cuz’ we share the same name) could’ve written the same post!
I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum and on my way back to a normal weight and while I help others lose weight, work out, get motivated…this week especially has been a trying one…and I find myself questioning how I can coach someone to not emotionally eat when I hear brownies calling my name! Wondering how I can coach someone to get up and get moving, while I myself have avoided my bike for days…
This life is a crazy rollercoaster ride my friend…know that you are worthy of it and you DO help others and more relate to those of us who are living it over those who ‘learn’ it in books…
keep being YOU cuz you’re awesome, you’re loved and you’re making a difference-in your life and others!
Exactly. Yes. All of it. It’s not either/or, it’s both/and.
Yes, you can feel undeserving AND be inspiring at the same time.
You can feel like a failure AND a success at the same time.
You can sometimes eat too much and not move enough AND still be okay.
Life can be fucking hard and fucking beautiful AT THE SAME TIME!
Scary and exhilarating!
And so on.
Love you Tara!
I can’t help but feel so emotionally connected to so much in this post. I know EXACTLY all of these feelings first hand. I wish I could be this open.
Your honesty in your writing is also inspiring. I’m walking a similar path as you and you’re 100% right. You think all will be 100% sunshine and good times when you reach that magic weight. And if anything – at least for me – that’s when all my real issues started. But I can’t help but hope that one day I’ll work through all this BS and finally just be happy being me – no matter the size, the emotion, the journey.
I can absolutely identify with all that you’ve written here… We tend to think that finding the peace we so desperately seek will be accomplished in a field of flowers, with romantic music and unicorn tears… Well, it won’t. It’s damn painful and damn ugly, we cry lots and lots of bitter tears and some days we feel that we’ll never get it right. But we will. We do. And by sharing our journeys, we make it okay for others to let go…because we are ultimately okay. Pretty damn good, even. Keep going. This is life and you’re doing great!
Guess what? I can relate too, on so many levels. Change is scary, even positive change (maybe ESPECIALLY positive change). And your open book honesty is like a hand reaching out to me. I appreciate and love you so much. You will get through this and I think it’s going to be awesome for you – but change is also a ride and we have to strap on our seat belts. Recently I’ve been SHOCKED at how resistant I’ve been to doing healthy things, when for so many months, even more than a year it was such a joy to me. But I’ve upped the ante on myself and scared the wits out of me that I find myself retreating in fear. I gotta keep holding my hand and telling myself it’s gonna be OK, more than OK. Same for you. You are really moving toward so much awesomeness but I think that fear is a part of it all. Big hugs to you my friend. oxoxoxo I love you.
I think what you write about is exactly why maintenance is so hard. It’s a brand new formula to figure out – one that is different for everybody. And being all stripped down and bare, well, I just can’t imagine it being easy at all. The easy part is slipping back into old patterns and habits.
Now, beautiful Tara, all crushing aside: I’ve met you. Been in the same room. Looked you in the eye (I don’t make eye contact with ANYBODY). All in hopes of gleaning some of that strenghth that radiates all around you.
You can do this part, too. And in those times that you lose hold of the faith for a minute? I’ll believe in you for you. Any time.
I first came to know about the 33 different kinds of awesome that is Tara after reading this post “http://www.alifechangingjourney.com/?p=1369” No matter where we end up physically there is still the emotional weight that won’t be shed, disposed of, or set aside. It is coped with. It is treated with careful hands, as not to be dropped and broken. We use it to learn from past mistakes.
My favorite part about the world of you is the fact that you share your emotion. What was once buried under cheeseburgers and WOW is now brought to the front lines. It is exposed, it’s examined, and it is dealt with. So as you transition wanker, lest not forget that with out getting out and living life we aren’t able to make mistakes, learn, and be happy. Fear of failure is what stops so many of us dead in our tracks. If you don’t fail you’ll never scratch the surface of your limits or what you’re truly capable of. And sister you’re capable of plenty!
Dearest Beautiful Tara, I’m sending you a neck hug, so stop punching yourself. You’re not perfect, never were, never will be. Perfect is boring. Cut thyself some slack please. You are loved Babe!
How is it the universe always seems to know exactly what we need? (the good, the bad and the ugly). This morning was an epiphany moment and I couldn’t be more grateful we got to share it.
Here’s to:
love & patience
clarity & fight
joy & excitement
xoxo
Wow! What a beautiful post. I love how you express exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. Thank you! It is totally worth it!
Thank-you! for this wonderfully real post. I have been setting here crying because the truth, feeling and reality of the things you have said hit a stong note with me. While I have been dealing with PTS for 9 months ofter a robbery at work. I have been trying to get back to the person I was before this event.. and I think I finally get it, that is not going to happen. I am not going to find rainbows and blue shy. I just need to move on to a new me with this as a small part of the person I really am. Thank-you! Good days and bad .. we are still here and that is enough. If you can get through all you have done, I can get past a idiot with a gun. Thanks Anne