Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?…

Okay my name may not be Carmen Sandiego.

I may not wear a red hat.

I may not even pop up in different locations around the world.

(though that would be bad ass)

But I have been a little off the grid.

Hmmmmm, maybe a lot.

To say that life has taken a turn I didn’t expect would be an oversimplification of what is happening over here on my side of this journey. Life has indeed turned and turned in a major way. The sad thing about what is happening is that I can’t really blog about it publicly. Don’t get me wrong: I want too. I feel like this may be one of the only times something has happened to me in the last 17 months that I haven’t readily opened my heart and let the words flow. It feels awkward. It feels like I’m hiding something. Like for the first time no matter what I write, it will affect people close to my heart and it’s not appropriate. The choices and decisions that I’m making (while not directly weight related) are more life changing than I ever imagined and I can’t share it the way I want…

For the first time you and I don’t walk this portion of my journey together.

When we decide to stand up and take control of our lives it’s hard to not try and predict what “life” will look like as we get closer to the people we were destined to be. Will I be successful? Will I actually lose the weight and keep it off? Will I be pretty? Will I finally be able to wear those skinny ass jeans I see everyone else wearing? Will people recognize me? Will I actually ever be able to finish a marathon?

A million things we try to predict.

One thing that we assume is that we’re going to be the same person that stood up one day and said enough is enough and be the same person when we come to realize that yes we can be successful, yes we can lose the weight and keep it off, yes we will be pretty, yes we’ll be able to wear those skinny jeans everyone else is wearing, no people will not recognize us and maybe just maybe we can finish a marathon…

December 2009.

I thought I knew who I would be 17 months later.

I was absolutely wrong.

It’s scary to make decisions today that affect the ones that I love. It’s scary to come to the realization that who I was then and who I am now are so completely different that what once was is no longer. To stand up and take control now means people get hurt because at the end of the day; I am not who I once was. I came to the “proverbial’ fork in the road and made my choices. Those choices come wrapped in fear, anxiety, excitement, sadness, love, confusion, conflict, wonder, resolution, amazement, mourning, saying hello and saying goodbye.

One thing it doesn’t come wrapped in is the question of  “did I do the right thing?”

I want to tell you everything that is happening. All the scary parts. All the awesome parts. All the “Whoa, did I just do that” parts. Today I can’t because I love those affected and it’s not fair to them. Maybe another day I can come back and say “so you remember when we were talking about Carmen Sandiego? Yhea let me tell you where I popped up…”

Until then just know:

Where I am now?

Is the right place for me.

This crazy, chaotic, unexpected, sad, amazing place that I stand today is exactly where I need to be. In order to move forward and continue to discover who I had no idea I would be 17 later months I need to be standing exactly where I am. No regrets. No questions. Just close my eyes and take that step forward. Have faith in myself that at the end of the day I am right where I should be. Right where I need to be.

Anything less

Unacceptable.