Where is the pot of gold?

I got a comment from my last post “I want off this Path” that has had me thinking pretty heavily the last couple of days about this LCJ I’m on (we’re on). I wanted to share it with you because I think it’s not only one of the most important parts to understand and explore about this journey, but as I get farther along I come across more and more people that feel the same way.

I wrote about wanting to get off the proverbial “path” of this journey. I wanted to just be normal. Not have to think about weight, or moving or trying to figure out why I eat the way I eat and my relationship with food. I didn’t want have to wonder if the next bite I put in my mouth was going to send me into a panic attack / guilt  ridden episode or even a triumphant hoorah. I just wanted to go through one day without being consumed with this fucking journey…

Then I got the following comment from a friend of mine over at CalorieKing:

“I know that my comment is at risk for coming across wrong, so if it reads that way, I give you my sincere apologies… but THANK GOODNESS you feel that way! It IS hard. It IS a struggle that when the shiny newness of a new goal wears off, what is left is the rugged struggle. Don’t get me wrong, I’m am very sorry that there is a struggle for you. It’s just that you are such an inspiration – such a “superhuman” force who has achieved what most people fail at – that if YOU have these issues, it means there is hope for the rest of us too. The fact that I can recognize that your feelings of wanting “off” are normal and that you are to be commended for sticking with it even when things are hard… that gives me permission that I’m not a failure for feeling the same way. That just because I struggle doesn’t mean I’ve failed, but that I’m experiencing the same emotions as someone who I admire. You give us hope, and for that I THANK YOU”

It was followed with this message sent to me from the same person:

“I had left a message on your blog yesterday and I’m afraid it came out wrong.  I noticed that it is still in moderation – please feel free to delete.  I just think so highly of you, your journey, your achievements, and your amazing ability to articulate what is going on in your heart.  Even when it’s anguish, you are able to speak so clearly.  I admire all of that.  And so the “thank goodness” part wasn’t at all because I thought you should feel that way.  It makes me hurt reading about your hurt.  It was a feeling that someone who is so AMAZING can be so raw and relatable – that if you, a superstar, can achieve and still have real emotions, then there is hope. Anyway, I probably made it worse and I hope I didn’t make you feel bad.  I wish you the very best.”

I knew when I read her original comment it was never intended to be the way she thought it was coming across. I knew exactly what she was trying to say: Even in success there is struggle and that is something we can all relate too no matter where we are on this journey.

Let me repeat that:

Even in success there is struggle.

Last year when I started this journey I had such a grandiose fantasy of what it would be like if I ever got down to goal weight. It would be awesome. All my emotional problems that I carried for the first 40 years of my life would float away as if I was a child letting go of my helium balloon. I would feel nothing but joy as I skipped from shop to shop, indulging in my every clothing whim. I would shine bright every time I sat down to eat meal knowing I would be in absolute control.

The pot of gold was waiting for me…

Wait a minute…

WAIT JUST A MINUTE!!!

There is no pot of gold?

You mean I’m going to get to goal weight and I’ll still struggle? I won’t let go of my emotional problems? I’ll still cry going into clothing stores and spend hours and hours looking for something to buy only to leave empty handed? That bright light is actually my phone back light shining as I tweet my way through a meal and use the hashtag #isitevergoingtogetanyeasier?

You’re joking right?

No.

I’m not joking.

There is no pot at the end of the rainbow.

The reason there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Because the rainbow never ends. Let me repeat that: THE RAINBOW NEVER ENDS. Am I happier? Oh hell yes. I am more present today than I have ever been in my entire life. Am I stronger? Oh hell yes. My physical and emotional armor is thick and ready for battle. Am I more brave? Oh hell yes. I know now that having the courage to try is the stepping stone to actually succeeding. Am I less fearful? Oh hell yes. I know now that facing my fears makes them dissipate faster than if I turned my back on them.

Do I still struggle with this Life Changing Journey?

Probably more so now that when I didn’t give a crap about my life. I care about me. I care about my well being. I care about my emotional health, my physical health and about where my path is taking me. Turning to food or letting depression creep up on me like an old lover, is no longer an option. Remaining present and open to my emotions and feelings is the ONLY OPTION now. Yes, there days when I want off this path. Will it ever happen?

No.

Are you looking for that pot of gold?

I wish more than anything I could tell you it will be waiting for you. I  wish I could tell you the grass really is greener over here. It’s not. Does that mean you throw up your hands and stop moving forward? Does it mean you hit the snooze button and sleep through another morning without breaking a sweat? Does it mean  you sit on the couch and wonder what is the point of taking control of your life?

On the contrary…

Stop looking for the pot of gold and focus on following the rainbow.

It’s beautiful.

It goes on forever.

It’s worth every step.