Why I do what I do…

It’s Sunday Morning.

It’s way early.

In fact, most of you are still sleeping.

I’m up.

Thinking about you.

It used to be I would get up at the crack ass in the morning to sit on the couch for a few minutes before putting on some XXL sweatpants, an XXL t-shirt, and don my XXL hoodie to head out the door before the rest of my little city woke up. I would sit on my couch and listen to the inner battle begin. The battle of whether or not I was going to get out there and break a sweat. Whether I was going to get out there and move my feet in some resemblance of running. Whether I was going to get out there and take control of my life, finding the potential I deserved, proving to myself once again that I love the body, spirit and soul of the person looking back at the mirror…

It was all about me.

I had barely started blogging. Living my life on Twitter would come a while later. I’d met a few people on Calorie King. I was still alone on this journey. Scared. Bitter. Angry. Hateful. Embarrassed. I didn’t want to get up before other people were on the streets and walk/run in the dark but I didn’t want to take the chance that someone would see me. Laugh at me. Think about me, the way I was already thinking about myself:

Obese.

Lazy.

No Good.

Not Worthy.

A Failure.

Those conversations are long gone. There is no question whether I will get up in the morning and break a sweat. There is no battle (except whether to run in the rain or not). I am in control. I know I deserve to live life to my fullest potential, to love the person that is me. When I walk out that door, I don’t do it just for me anymore…

I do it for you too.

When I first started this journey, I looked to those that came before me. The success stories. The people that lost large amounts of weight. The people that ran the long distances and crossed the finish lines. The people that had the muscles and were standing in one pant leg of an old pair of jeans they used to wear. I would shed tears of “I’ll never do what they did”, “I’ll never run a 5k” “They make it look so easy” “I’ll never lose 100+ pounds”. I wanted what they had and I went after it, something fierce. I would send them notes, thanking them for the inspiration. Thanking them for paving the way. Thanking them for showing me that it is possible. They told me it wouldn’t be easy, but it would be worth it. They told me that even when I got to where I was going, the journey would never end. They encouraged. I believed.

Then I became one of “Them”

“I have to tell you first and foremost that I kicked ass working out today…so after my adrenaline high I sat down at the computer to log my calories and my workout and then I popped over to your page for some wisdom and inspiration ( I do that often but I am not a creeper okay, lol) Anyway, I found your last blog entry about your male role models and after reading it with tears streaming down my face I felt compelled to let you know what a role model YOU are. After everything you have gone through in your childhood and in your life you are truely an inspiration to everyone around you. I love your openess, honesty, and you willingness to share your LCJ with anyone who cares to listen. Keep it up Tara, God gave you the ability to touch other people and help them through things in a way that most people are unable to – through your own life expieriences. Have a wonderful day and I am so glad you came into my life to help me during my journey :)”

“Just wanted to tell you your latest blog knocked my socks off! Holy moly, girl! You can write!! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. You are changing lives left and right… I’m blessed to be in your path.”

“The first time I read this post, I cried because it resonated with me so strongly. Now I go back and read it about once a week, because it gives me hope and reminds me that I too can be stronger than a disease. Thank you for sharing this extremely powerful message. Also, congratulations with your success so far! You are an incredible woman, and I love watching the ways you are changing your life!“

“Just came back and read this after reading one of your latest posts. It’s simply amazing to see how far you’ve come Tara. You’re a huge inspiration to me every single day. I’ve been struggling lately, both with staying on track with food, and with staying active. I need to remind myself what I’m doing this all for, and give myself a swift kick in the ass. Reading these last couple posts of yours has gone a long way in getting me pointed back in the right direction.”

“Even though I haven’t known you since the start of your journey, I got to following you about half way through. Seeing your progress and changes has given me hope, determination, and inspiration. The tears that fill my eyes right now, and slowly run down my cheeks are tears that tell me you are amazing. You are a woman that provides me with the power, each and every day, to get up and make it a day knowing that I can do anything I set my mind to.”

Why do I do what I do?

It used to be to tell myself it was possible.

Now it’s to prove to you it’s possible.

I love and care about you more deeply than you could possibly imagine. Maybe we’ve never met and I only know you in 140 characters or less, but I think about you all the time. I think about your struggles and the early morning conversations you’re having with yourself. I think about all the tears you cry out of frustration and self hatred and I cry too. I know how you feel about yourself and it breaks my heart to think that someone out there thinks about themselves the way I used to think about myself. Some days I’m so overwhelmed with the idea that some one won’t stand up and take control that it stops me in my tracks and I send up a prayer that they can feel me thinking about them and just take a step forward in the direction they deserve.

In the direction that you DESERVE.

You see, I’ve swam that big body of water. You know the one where you were standing looking out from the confines of land. Wondering how in world you’re ever going to get to the other side. Afraid to even put your foot in the water for fear of drowning. Afraid of getting out there into the unknown and then not being able to find your way back. What if you get half way and then give up? You can only drown if you’re out there in that big scary mass of water and can’t swim anymore. I stood there too. I never thought I’d get to the other side. I thought for sure I would give up and just let the water take me down and I would die. Then I looked beyond the water and saw people standing on the other side. Waving their hands. Letting me know they were there. That they had plunged themselves into a world of fear and doubt and swam.

Swam to save their lives.

To save mine.

I’m on the other side now. Looking at you. Waving my arms to get your attention. Don’t be afraid. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t turn away from what is on the other side. Trust that your heart, soul and body want this more than anything you’ve wanted before and it will be worth every thing you put into it. Put your feet in the water, stand there for a moment and then take the plunge.

I saved my life.

Now I’m here to save yours.

It’s why I do what I do.