I don’t have much control when out of my comfort zone.
People often tell me how impressed they are with my weight loss and how motivated they are by my ability to stick with the journey. Some days I have no idea who they are talking about. The person who gets up at 330a, packs her food and makes deliberate choices when in her comfort zone is no where near the person that occupied her mind/body when out of those comfort zones.
Last Wednesday I went to Houston for something job related and for three days I’m not really even sure who occupied my body. Decisions were made that I never would make at home. Choices were acted upon that would never even cross my mind while in the comforts of my schedule. I try to justify why I ate the things I ate but in the end it comes down to the plain and simple “I don’t know how to say no when left to my own devices”.
I didn’t have a Plan of Action.
Though in all honesty, even if I did have a POA I don’t know that I would have been able to stick to it. There is something about being with a group of people that have no idea that 10 months I weighed almost 100 pounds heavier. There is something sneaky about knowing when you’re in line to get lunch and the cake at the end of the line, that you don’t even really want, is totally accessible to you because no one will do a double take or whisper “should she be eating that?” Every meal provided to us for three days had something sweet at the end of the line and every time before I got in that line I said to myself “you don’t need it. You’re not going to feel good about yourself. Just walk away from it…”
I was never successful in following through.
I tried other avenues. I brought fruit from the hotel room to eat after my meal if I was still hungry. I had gum in my pocket to chew on to help fight the urge to eat the cake / cookies / chips provided. I tried drinking water to give me the sensation of being full. Nothing worked. I know part of me panicked about not having access to my own food choices and obsessed about being hungry so I took the pieces of cake, the cookies and chips offered because I was afraid that if I ate the fruit from the hotel that I sneaked into my bag then I wouldn’t have any food to eat until they decided it was time to feed us again. So I horded the fruit in much the same way I horded food at my old job.
For three days I ate what was offered even though I didn’t want it.
However there are good points to this post. Because even though I didn’t make the best choices I did make some pretty good (and even monumental) decisions. I ate what I ate and sat with it. I didn’t eat and then cry or allow myself to have bad thoughts about those decisions. I only ever went through the line once. I never returned for a second slice of cake even though it was there for the taking. I ate something that I normally wouldn’t consume at every meal but it wasn’t multiple pieces at one sitting. The most important accomplishment on this trip is I didn’t purge. I thought about it. Often. But never once did I sneak away and make myself “feel better” by bringing up what I swallowed.
Monumental!
I’m home now. Back in the comforts of knowing exactly where all the grocery stores are. Knowing exactly what I’m going to pack for food for the day. Knowing that I can go back to having a POA. Knowing where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing just about every minute of every day. Knowing that I’ll be getting up at 330a tomorrow morning to return to my regularly scheduled life…
Working off the cake.
Working on taking control.
Learning and implementing.
Moving forward!
Living life.
Tara, we seem to be traveling through this journey hand in hand. This is not a problem, this is a revelation. You are freaking awesome, and you know it! You didn’t purge– and you ate cake/cookies/chips that were portion specific! You are a freaking brick wall of LCJing and you are realizing it. Kudos tara, you deserve it!
Thanks Michael! I felt pretty icky on the way home from Houston but after thinking about it and having the desire to go back to the gym right away and realizing I didn’t purge helped me see they are actually not so bad decisions and maybe (just maybe) I was in more control than I thought.
This is life. Once you reach that “magic number” or your goal or whatever, you will see that this is what happens over and over. This is even what happens to “naturally thin” people, I suspect. There are situations, days, even a week or more, where healthy eating goes out the window. The important thing is that you get back on plan. Which you are. I think those mythical “naturally thin” people just do this without having to think about it. Those of use who have been to the dark side of 100+ pounds overweight DO have to think about it. And for me, getting back on plan is always tough for a couple of days. Then it’s not. That’s maintenance. Gaining and losing. Always. Life is long and you have to live it!
I agree. This is what maintenance looks like. I better get used to it.
Oh for me, its this out of the comfort zone feeling. Yeah, for me, out of the comfort zone is absolutely anything to do social or body related…Trusting myself and the choices I make. That is the thing I think, a key for me, slow steady ALL around progress to bring all the levels, emotions, exercise, and food up at the same time…Working on a little bit of each instead of one at a time.
I am no where near maintenance by the diet definition but that is what I am striving for…to have the weight loss journey end up at a easy to maintain lifestyle NOT a struggle every day…I am practicing….
I think its going to be a life long practice. I’m okay with that.
Welcome to the rest of your life. And to what happens to ALL of us when we are out of our routine. There’s nothing “bad” about eating cake. And you won’t gain all of your weight back if you do. AND you didn’t purge, which is huge. It’s a process, mentally, getting used to the fact that things are different…EVERYTHING is different…now that you are at a healthy weight. So kudos on NOT purging and NOT beating yourself up or obsessing about this all. That? Seems like pretty “normal”/healthy behavior to me!
You’re right…this behavior is probably more normal than not. When I went to the gym this morning I was pretty excited to be there so I’d rather eat cake and go to the gym than eat cake and then hate myself so much I don’t go to the gym.
Um, so yeah this is definitely a monumental revelation. You noticed what you were doing, you named what was happening, you owned up to exactly what you were up to. When the hell would we have done that before, let alone actually said – ok, that happened and now I’m moving on?
This new normal thing is a whole new ball game. I think we’re just learning how to play.
I’ll always be your second baseman!
Welcome home! I had to work off TWO birthday cakes this month. And I have short trip coming up this weekend, so this post give me strength!
I think for my birthday I’m going to ask that candles be shoved into the tops of carrots. Or maybe cucumbers so people don’t mistake the vegetable carrot for carrot cake. Can’t really mistake cucumbers for cucumber cake…or can you?
You did a great job recognizing the problem and dealing with it…. but in all honesty, the line that resonates with me most: “There is something about being with a group of people that have no idea that 10 months I weighed almost 100 pounds heavier”
Because I think we do change as people when we gain, and when we lose–and when we lose big it’s sometimes hard for those around us to figure out that the change isn’t only physical–so I totally get eating “normal” (whatever that word means) in the company of strangers…
I kept hoping someone would put their hand on my shoulder and whisper “you really don’t want to do that”. I can’t expect that I’ll live like that forever. I need to be my own whisper.
Tara, you did the right thing. You recognize whats up..and you work on it. Next time, you will be better equipped to handle this situation. I love me some cake, and I didnt cut it out when I started this journey. I didnt cut anything out. If some one offers me some cake, I’ll eat it sometimes, but I’ll cut it in half. Nothing wrong with it. Others wont think you are weird. Most will wish that they could do that. good job on not only recognizing where you can improve, but where you succeeded too!
There is SO much to be said for a Plan of Action. For me, it is truly the difference between doing okay and utter, utter, Titanic-hitting-the-iceberg failure. And it can be something as simple as writing out what I plan to eat the night before. Gotta do that more often.
I always thought POAs were only important in the beginning of this journey. Now I’m realizing they are more important now.