It’s 2:30a
I would much rather be sleeping than sitting on the couch in the dark (so as not to wake my husband) typing out this post. But the truth of the matter is, this sleep thing has been eluding me for some time now. I could lie to you and come up with a plethora of reasons why I’m not sleeping but since this journey is about being honest with myself that means sometimes what I put down on these virtual pages hurts me more than it hurts the passengers (you).
The last 16 months my life has been micro managed. Every bite of food going into my mouth was either counted and logged, subtracted from a net calorie goal or at least mindfully placed on my tongue for a reason: To not be morbidly obese. Every drop of sweat had a purpose: To not be morbidly obese. For 16 months I fought tooth and nail (and blood and sweat) to finally get out of that morbidly obese category and out of the prison of my depression…
And I did.
Both.
The pendulum was finally swinging in a direction I was happy with. Life changed. I changed. Anxiety and fear no longer controlled what I was doing (or lack of doing). Depression no longer had a hold of my heart and spirit and for the first time in my adult life I was absolutely present in the moment.
Then something funny happened.
The pendulum continued to swing.
I began to exercise too much. I was still micro managing everything going into my mouth. Every drop of sweat still had a purpose. I wanted to see 100 pounds lost…then 110…115 was where I thought I wanted to stop. The scale kept moving and I didn’t want to do anything about stopping it from reaching the 120 pound loss. Everyone congratulated me, but inside I’m screaming “THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN”.
This is not part of the plan.
This journey was is about finding balance and honestly, I don’t think know I’m not doing a very healthy job of finding that balance. Addictive behaviors are running rampart in my mind and playing themselves out in ways that I never thought would happen to me. Food has become bothersome. The act of chewing and swallowing almost painful at times…My body wants to eat, my mind is saying otherwise.
Life has gotten extremely raw for me in the present moment.
Having to admit that going from morbidly obese to underweight is a real possibility was never my intention. But much like when I was using meth, I never thought I’d become a drug addict. Much like playing World of Warcraft, I never thought I’d become a video game addict. I always thought I’d be in control: Until I wasn’t.
I am not.
I’m actively working on changing yet another portion of this journey. This never ending journey of finding balance. This never ending journey of finding peace in my mind, my heart, and my soul. This never ending journey of finding a balance between the food I place in my body and the sweat I leave on the floor.
This never ending journey…
For the first time since starting this blog, I’m turning off the comments to a post. Instead of leaving me words of encouragement and letting me know how much you are thinking about me (because trust me I feel that love each and every second I continue to move forward), take a few moments and think about where you are on your journey. Those words of encouragement and love that you would place here, place in your heart. Go to the mirror and look deep into the eyes that are looking back and tell yourself that above all else: You are worth saving…
It’s what I’m doing right now.