Eating…huh?

Confession: I don’t like to eat.

I know it sounds abrupt and general in terms of the concept of eating but for the most part I really don’t like to do it. Some days it’s so much of a chore (read: emotionally) that it’s easier for me to just have a smoothie in the morning and then not think about it again until it’s time for dinner. And to be honest if it wasn’t for Meegan and I having dinner together every night I would just as well skip that meal too.

I am still very much caught in the web of emotional eating.

Confession: The emotional web is that I feel like I don’t “deserve” to eat. When I lived in Tacoma my food was pretty much spot on. Get up in the morning, hit the training center hard and first thing I did when I got home to get ready for work was eat. I’d pack a lunch bag chock full of veggies, fruit and appropriate fixings for lunch that would kept me going during the day and at when it was time to return home I always had dinner. 3 meals and 2 snacks. Every day. No problem.

Now I’m having a problem.

For the last three months my eating “habits” have been progressively getting fewer and farther in between. I’ve had to turn to drinking my food (smoothies, protein shakes) more than eating my food because it’s easier for me emotionally right now. The difference between Tacoma and Halifax? As silly as it feels to write this (because I’m sure no one ever thinks the things I do…<insert smirk here>) I know it’s because of a few different reasons of which I feel it’s appropriate to list  using bullets here:

• I’m not working (i.e bringing in money).
• I panic there won’t be enough food because I’m not working.
• I’m not doing as much weight training as before
• I’m afraid of gaining weight.
• I’m terrified of eating during marathon training.

It’s frustrating because Logical Tara knows she need to eat. I mean seriously, this marathon is some serious business. Running 4 x’s a week with each week progressively getting longer in miles means my calorie output is going to go through the roof. Double digit runs are just a few weeks away and I’m lucky if I’m getting in a total of 1200 calories in my food a day (since I’m not counting calories any longer this is a general estimate but one that’s probably pretty accurate). I can feel it affecting me physically; tired, head rushes happening more often.

Emotional Tara looks down at her food and wants to pick up the plate and give it a good throw again the wall. I love the process of making food (you have been looking at the recipes over at TheHDD right?) but am having a real problem then sitting down and enjoying the food. When I do eat I eat faster now because it’s easier to just get it over with so that repetitive “you shouldn’t be eating cause you’re not working and bringing money into the house, you’re going to gain weight if you keep eating, today is a rest day so lay off the food” will quiet itself sooner than later.

So frustrating.

I wonder if I’ll ever be in a place where food and I will have some sort of copacetic relationship? The type of relationship where I will look at my food and say “Yes, this is exactly what I want and exactly what I will eat” and my food will answer gleefully “Yes, this is exactly what you want and you will eat all of me”…

For now it’s back to having a check list. Back to having Meegan gently nudge me with the “what did you eat” question. Back to letting the fear of weight gain and the fear of running out of food have it rightful place in my emotional suitcase so that I can prove once again that these fears are based in emotions and not in fact. I may resort to going back to eating the same things every day as it helps to keep me calm while I’m eating (I have have enough recipe posts for TheHDD that I could pull this off and keep blogging over there)…

All I know is I need to eat.

And today that’s a big step for me.