Reflections…

This is the shirt from last year’s BlueNose Marathon.

Be Resolute.

Resolute: adjective 1. firmly resolved or determined; set in purpose or opinion. 2. characterized by firmness and determination, as the temper, spirit, actions, etc.

Since the day I opened the large box containing an 8 1/2 X 11 piece of paper that declared I was an official participant in the 2012 BlueNose Marathon I have been resolute. I have also been angsty, nervous, tired, defeated, elated, sore, inspired, timid, concerned, angry, surprised, motivated,  emotional.

Above all I have been resolute. 

The marathon is approaching fast and everyday I am feeling a different set of emotions as I think about my playlist, my running shirt (and what it will say), the epic recap that I’ll write,  the weather, the hills that I’ve gotten up close and personal with over the last few weeks, what it’s going to feel like to run the route with thousands of other runners after spending weeks alone on the very same streets that will earn me my first 26.2 medal (or 42.2 for you Canadians out there). May 20th still seems like a long time away but with only a few more weeks of training and then the slow decent into tapering it’s loud and in my face that the day is drawing near.

My first official running race was the “Great Kilted Run” and it took place May 23rd 2010. It was the first time I wore a number (#179) as a runner (though I had completed a half marathon walk weeks prior). It was the first time I stood in a crowd of other runners and worried I would finish last or not finish at all. I was 5 months into my weight loss journey. Down 50 pounds (from 270ish ——> 220ish). It took me 37 minutes and 40 seconds to finish that race and by the end of it I thought for sure I was going to throw up anything I had eaten the week prior.

Two years later I’m stepping up to the starting line of my first marathon.

(Be resolute).

When I first started training for this marathon in May of 2010 January I thought a lot about my pace and how fast I could finish. I used to dwell on how hard it was for me to run 3 miles after taking so much time off of running (focusing on crossfit and moving to Halifax) and I was discouraged. Running in weather conditions that I wasn’t prepared for: I was discouraged.

But I was resolute.

I bundled up and ran in below zero conditions. I pushed myself to run even when I didn’t want too. When I was too sore. I learned that ice baths (no matter how much you cry because they are painful) really do take away muscle soreness so that you can continue to up the miles…

3 miles.

6 miles.

10 miles.

13 miles.

19 miles.

(26.2 miles)

As the miles get longer and the temperatures finally start to warm up enough that I don’t need to wear 3 layers of clothing, I’ve made a lot of changes to the way I see this marathon. In daily mile every run is listed as “great” even when it sucks more than expected because two years from the time I started running races and still considered morbidly obese by medical standards I am still running. Paces are no longer listed because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter whether I run an 8 minute mile or a 13 minute mile…what matters is that I laced up my shoes and I moved my body, raised my heart level and worked another day to maintain a 100+ pound weight loss

(be resolute)

This is the running shirt for the 2012 BlueNose Marathon. This is the shirt that I will probably wear for the next 30 days after I have crossed the finish line. This is exactly what I’ve been doing since January. First just around my neighborhood, then over the bridge to Dartmouth then printing out the course map and getting to know every mile of this marathon. I’ve laughed. I’ve cried. I’ve panicked. I’ve gotten lost. I thought about my Home of Tacoma and my Home of Halifax. I’ve thought  about Meegan, about Mitch, about my family that I miss beyond words and about my friends just starting to take to the streets in their own running.  I’ve thought about life at 270. I’ve thought about life at 160. I’ve thought about what the person running towards me is thinking and whether they too are training for the Bluenose. I’ve raised my arms like Rocky when I got to the top of Maple Street hill without stopping and on multiple occasions I’ve whispered “Come on Tara, you can do this” when I truly believed I couldn’t. I’ve snorted out loud over something funny in a podcast and I’ve danced on the corner waiting for the light to change. I’ve thought about quitting 11 miles into a 19 mile run and then a few hours later thought I could have run the marathon at that exact moment. I’ve procrastinated a run and then pushed myself to run faster to work out the aggression. I’ve wiped sweat out of my eyes and snot off my face more times than I can count. I’ve needed a cowbell at the turn around point of a ridiculously hard run and in the end I had to cut it short and get picked up by Meegan…

I’ve worried about pace and then let it go.

over and over again.

I’ve worried about my ability to finish and then let it go.

over and over again.

I’ve worried that I’m not ready and then let it go.

over and over again.

Sometimes when you run and you worry too much you forget why you’re doing what you’re doing. This race isn’t about going fast, it’s about going because in 2009 I wasn’t going at all. I was sitting. A lot. When you run and you’re worried about too much, you forget to open your eyes and see what is around you…

  

  

  

  

  

I’m not saying as the minutes tick by and the days pass that I won’t worry about my pace or whether I’ll be the last runner out there. I’m not saying there won’t be days of feeling deflated along with the days of feeling like I could kick some serious ass and take some serious names. It’s bound to happen. This life changing journey wouldn’t be much of a journey if I didn’t fight my emotional battles on an almost daily basis but as I continue to “Run This Town” and train both mentally and physically for this marathon there is always one thing you can be sure of:

I am resolute.