There can be so much written about the powerful message in that little box to the left.
It seems natural that this would make sense to us. We already know healing is not an overnight process and yet we find it so difficult to even allow the process to have a beginning.
I’ve been thinking a lot about healing in all aspects of my life.
The person I am today would not be writing this blog post if I didn’t allow myself to feel the pain that comes with “cleansing”. I didn’t just heal myself physically by losing weight and taking my body from a state of morbid obesity to a thinner self, but I also heal by losing the emotional weight that I continue to struggle with on a daily basis.
Just like making poor eating choices or not moving your body the way it begs to be moved will bring back that weight you’ve been trying so hard to lose, emotional weight can creep it’s way back into your life if you are not continually working to “keep it off”.
When I was fat I wasn’t an active participant in my life. Physically, I wasn’t moving forward. Emotionally, I wasn’t moving forward. Staying in the same place doesn’t mean my life was shitty, it just means I wasn’t reaching for my potential. Staying in the same place meant living with depression and not seeking out necessary answers to help relieve the emotional pain. Staying in the same place meant living with a body that was getting larger and larger with each passing year and not seeking out the necessary answers to help relieve the physical pain. Staying in the same place meant wondering if there was something more to my life but allowing the pain of my past to feed the fear of my future…
I’ve been thinking a lot about Mitch.
I feel bad for thinking about him because most times when you think about an ex it usually comes with a “bad” taste in your mouth. I mean they are your ex for a reason right? But in truth I think about him because I didn’t end the relationship because of something he did. I ended it because of who I was becoming. I often wonder if I should write him a long letter trying to explain my reasons for leaving the relationship the way I did. I often wonder if an explanation would lesson the pain that I caused him and in return lesson the pain that I caused myself.
I don’t, for one second, second guess my ending of the relationship, but I do second guess how I ended the relationship. Could I have handled it better? Should I have been honest sooner (and by sooner I mean years) with him? Should I have tried to talk to him afterwards? Could I have been more patient in his anger towards me and his confusion towards my decisions to seek out a new relationship with Meegan?
I used to lay awake at night wondering if he was alone? If when he got up in the morning was he looking at an empty side of the bed wondering what happen to the life he had planned out for us? I was never very good about healing myself from the guilt I felt for leaving him.
Over the last few days I’ve been feeling disconnected to myself. What I want is a good cry. A healing cry. A down right slobber all over my face, snot running down, I can’t catch my breath type of cry. I want a boxing class where I stand in front of my bag knowing I’m about to beat the fuck out of because I’m in a phase of healing that is hard to be present in.
In that guilt I’ve been feeling over Mitch, I held on to a piece of him. A piece of us. Sending money every month for the dogs that we took care of together for 8 years kept me connected to him at a safe distance. Always wondering if he’s okay because when I knew he was okay then I would know it was time to let go.
I got the okay not too long ago.
We don’t have many conversations. It was mostly me just letting him know the check was in the mail and him wondering why I still carried his last name and why my checks still had “our” address on it. The conversation I had been secretly hoping for came a few weeks ago when he told me I wouldn’t need to send money for the dogs any longer. I could never bring myself to not send money for two dogs that I miss immensely even today so I needed him to do it. It was during that brief conversation he felt okay enough to tell me that life for him was turning out pretty good. He’s getting the recognition in life he’s always deserved, in both his professional life and his personal life. He told me he was seeing someone and in that instant I knew it was okay for me to let go.
Not to let go of him.
We will continue to re-build that bridge that I so violently tore apart.
It’s time I let go of the fear that I hurt someone so deeply that they can’t put their own band aid over a wound and heal. It’s time to let go of the idea that I have to explain everything I do to lessen the blow of ending the relationship. He of all people understands the struggle of waking up and realizing that the body your occupying physically is not the body you occupy emotionally.
The disconnection I feel in myself is because I am going after things I know I deserve but in order to go after them I have to be true to who I am both in gender congruency and in my ability to trust that becoming a life coach for other people on their Life Changing Journeys is the absolute right path for me. The disconnection I feel is because while chasing these entities that bring me closer to the Tara of true self, I have to allow the Tara of old self to heal even more today than in 2009 when I started taking those baby steps to losing weight and more so than in 2011 when I ended my relationship with Mitch to follow my heart and marry Meegan.
I tell people to stay present in their emotions. To allow all feelings the rightful place in our bodies and hearts. I say this as a reminder to myself too. I’m not without my own emotional lessons on a daily basis. This week is a prime example as I go into job interviews truer to myself today and in fear that people won’t “get me”, or as I face people on Skype asking the question “How can I help you get to where you deserve”.
Healing is hard. It’s painful. It can be downright excruciating. No longer reliant on food to sooth the ache. To soothe the fear. To bring back the calm we so desperately seek. Relying on the self to ease the pain instead of the fridge. In order to fully move away from what can no longer be accepted as “life” means having to stay present because when the pain eases then we can move toward the LIFE we deserve…
Spend a little time with yourself in a place where you can hear your heartbeat.
It’s trying to tell you something
It wants to heal.
Thank you for this. I can relate to this so much. It was in 2008 when I made the decision to leave my ex. And like you, it wasn’t because of anything that he did, but because of the person that I was becoming. But before reading this post of yours I was never quite able to articulate it in that way. So thank you.
It’s hard doing what you did — being true to yourself even if it means hurting someone else. But I believe that staying in an unhappy situation would only hurt you both in the long run. So really, you were setting you both free. Hopefully Mitch is able to see that now, too.
Somehow, though the particular story doesn’t resonate for me, I feel like this is speaking to me. Maybe it’s time to reexamine my own process, huh? Thanks for the inspiration to do so.
Emotional healing can be such a difficult thing, but one I understand the importance of more and more as I’m growing older. There are still things from my childhood that hold me back today as a woman in my late 40’s. I know they’re holding me back from the life I deserve. Now, it’s time to decide what I’m going to do with that knowledge. I either have to heal and start moving forward or I’m destined to be stuck here where I’m at right now for the rest of my life. It’s a lot to think about and process, but I’m working on it.
I’ve seen the last week be hard for you. A lot of milestones and big things happening. I’ve also seen things start to shift in the last 36 hours. You used the tools you’ve put in your very own tool box.
– You sat down and blogged about what was in your heart and your head that needed to come out when it was too big to talk through.
– You let yourself run yesterday at your speed and not feel any guilt about it.
– You took some time yesterday to be social and relax.
Those are your tools and you know how to use them. You are aware of what needs healing and giving it the attention it deserves. You’re so wise and understanding not just of me but also of yourself. I know that came with time and with practice but I hope you see that that is indeed what you’re up to.
xo #lawn
Hey Tara….Big hugs.
Been there, and its not an easy place to be. Knowing that I was going to crush someone who loved me was what kept me from making a change too…probabily for close to a year or so, until I just couldnt take it anymore.
There is no easy way to leave someone, and although I had felt like leaving was my only option for survival, I still knew that it was going to be a huge kick in the stomach for Nancy.
Its not always easy to choose yourself first, I get it! But today, I am happier than I have ever been…and I’m guessing that you are too!
I tried to look at it this way….being in that relationship was holding me back from being everything I wanted to be…it was holding Nancy back from finding what she needed to feel whole also. I want her to find her true happiness. She is married and living with someone she loves now.
Cheers for doing what needed to be done, and I am just a little happy that you’re here, in Canada!!