Sit with me…

I need to get real honest with myself.

Over the last week or so I’ve let an instance of a situation bring me down and I’ll be totally honest it’s been a hard few days trying to get back to some sort of “I’m awesome” frame of mind.

I really thought I would be okay when I wasn’t offered the position I had applied for at the beginning of November. Before I was even told whether I was the successful candidate I had expressed to other people (and to myself) that if they didn’t hire me it I was going to be okay with the outcome. I had already started the Life Coaching aspect of my journey and the odds were stacked against me before I even sat down with the interview panel.

But truth be told; I wasn’t okay.

I’m not okay.

I really wanted to be able to shake of the notions of “not being good enough” or  the questioning my own preference in wanting to dress closer to my gender definition. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and know that reason they didn’t offer me this position was because the bureaucratic hoops they’d have to jump through was not worth the effort to offer me the position and not because I am lacking in skill.

I let too much of my emotional stability ride on the outcome of this interview. I fought so hard to not let my thoughts shift to “what if I do get the job” yet soon after the interview I began to daydream about catching up on bills that are burying us, buying flowers for Mimi and saying things like “Let me pay for this”. I started window shopping, thinking about Christmas and upcoming birthdays and let the idea of becoming a “regular working Joe” wash over me.

I tried to shake off the quick rejection email. Deleting it as quickly as it showed up in my in box so I wouldn’t obsess over the “WHY(s)” and yet that’s exactly what I did. The email came Thursday morning and by the evening I felt that dark cloud descend. Immediately questioning everything about myself. Everything.

I failed.

Again.

I’m taking up too much space.

Again.

I can’t do anything right.

Again.

I don’t deserve anything in front of me.

Again.

As the impending cloud of self negativity descended, covering me in those familiar voices of “I told you so” and “How can you believe you’re good enough when it’s obvious you’re not” with a shitty dose of “Once again you’re a burden on Mimi because you can’t get a damn job and help pay for things“, everything that I was doing was allowing that beast of self deprecation to sink it’s claws into my skin and shake me around like a wet paper doll. I allowed myself to make food choices that I knew would make me feel shitty physically because I wanted it to match how I felt emotionally. I didn’t want to move because I didn’t want my physical self to talk my emotional self out of feeling sorry for the entire self. I would stand in the kitchen looking at the mess in front of me and instead of trying to make sense of needing to clean my surroundings I just laid on the bed and played on my phone. I used the excuse that I was in pain (which I was) knowing full well that moving was what makes it feel better because I wanted to sit on the “I suck” piss pot and let the crud surround me and drag me down.

It’s been a hard couple of days living in my head, my body and my emotional state. Last night was especially hard and after a long (and much needed) talk with Mimi I realized what was happening and that how I am feeling just needed to be acknowledged. I am disappointed I didn’t get the job. I’m disappointed that I am now in my 14th month of waiting for my paperwork to be approved. I’m disappointed that Mimi has to continue to support us in our day to day needs.

I also need to understand that just because I spend much of the day with myself, that does not mean I’m taking the necessary steps to take care of my emotional well being. I’ve started feeling guilty about the things I wanted to do because a) they cost money – like going to boot camp or needing winter running clothes b) they take time and sometimes that means that time is taken away from Mimi.

Today I woke up and really wanted to make it a better day. It got off to a rough (and messy) start. The blender we have has a busted rubber ring. We can’t really afford a new one so we sort of jerry-rig it to work. This morning though it didn’t want to work for me and instead of making smoothies for us, I made a mess (and in the end the smoothies sort of sucked in taste). Already in tears by 6:30a I was setting myself up for a crappy morning. By 9:30 I had already had a dozen conversations about not running. How I needed to do the dishes. How I needed to mop the floors. How I needed to change the bed sheets, clean the cat litter, and for fuck’s sake fold the clothes that are all messed up in the office. I knew if I didn’t get out the door by 10a I wasn’t going. I let all the reasons why I shouldn’t go running be heard without listening. I slowly got my running clothes on while looking at all the things around me that screamed “STAY HOME” knowing it had nothing to do with what needed to be done around the house.

My final thought before deciding whether or not I was going:

Mimi would prefer a sweaty smile on my face  and a dirty home

than a sad heart and a clean house

It wasn’t much of a run. Short in distance but long in lifting my heart. I let myself be sad about not getting the job. I let myself feel disappointed about the struggles we will continue to experience as we wait for the paperwork. I let my mind wander to the things I convinced myself “I should” be doing and remembered that there will always be time for that “should be doing” list. The mess of my life needed more attention than the mess in the kitchen. I needed to cleanse my heart more than I needed to mop the kitchen. I needed to just.be. with myself because some days I’m the only person who truly understands what’s happening in my mind and if I don’t take care of me first then I can’t take care of those around me.

I ran. Sometimes fast. Sometimes slow. I ran stairs. I practiced my pull ups at the play ground.

Most Importantly:

I found a little bit of my awesome today.