Random Ramblings (and a Tommie Copper winner)

http://blog.art21.org/2012/11/21/spotlight-conversations/

The holidays are in full swing around these parts. This weekend was my birthday and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by all the attention I’ve been receiving as of late. To know me is to know I have a hard time being in any kind of “spot light”. I spent my whole life hiding behind the morbid obesity because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be loved and appreciated, that I was never good enough or important enough and that ultimately the way I felt about myself when I looked in the mirror was the way everyone felt about me.

I’ve come a long way in allowing some light to shine on me over the last couple of years.

I still shy away from compliments. I often wonder why people want to spend time with me. I deflect the accolades of weight loss with “yes but so and so has lost more than me”. Magazine articles are written about my journey and I stare at the full page pictures wondering “why me”.

Birthdays are even harder now because my life is full of people who love and care about me. Some I’ve met and forged a close friendship. Some I know only through social media. As my Facebook page literally blows up with Happy Birthday wishes and videos, I find myself wanting to shy away from the attention because I still haven’t quite mastered the whole “let that light shine down on me” idea.

The whole “people love me for me” idea.

“I matter” idea.

“I’m important” idea.

As my ventures into coaching begin to solidify and I begin seeing more people wanting to get on or stay on their own journey of life changes, those ideas are even harder to hold on too. Not because I shouldn’t be following this dream of mine to build that army of people who stand up and take control for once in their life but because of my own past history with the relationship of self. I have a lot to offer the world. I have an innate ability to understand the struggles of others by sharing my own struggles. I believe in people beyond a shadow of a doubt that weight loss, both on a physical level and emotional level, is absolutely achievable. And yet when I look in the mirror I continually question this path I’m on.

I have my own struggles on a daily basis. Count calories. Don’t count calories. Go for run. Let another day go by without breaking a sweat. Eat paleo. Stuff my face with breads and chocolates. Like the way I look in the mirror. Can’t stand being in the same room with myself. Flex those blazing guns called biceps. Pinch and pull at excess skin…

This is a journey.

One that is never over. One that is continually fought even on the days where giving up seems like the only option. The direction of my journey is mine to control. That is the most important message I try to convey with people when we spend time together contemplating that in which we are trying to change. I control the direction of my journey. If I am moving forward it is because of the choices and decisions I am making. If I am moving backwards into old patterns and behaviors again it is because of the choices and decisions I am making.

Not you.

Not some stranger on the streets.

Me.

Your journey = your choices.

This has been a week of “what the hell am I trying to accomplish” in my own body and mind. Wondering about food foundations and calorie counting. Wanting to “relax” around the holidays with the assumption that it’s “back to business as usual” once Jolly Old Saint Nick packs up his red bag for another year but fearful that getting back to business may not come as easily as it did before. The only thing I know for certain is that no matter how “out of control” I might feel, I am still very much “in control” as long as I stay present with myself. As long as every choice is done is full conscious and commitment there is no backward movement. My body will tell me when it’s time to change the direction in which I’m traveling.

My heart will make sure I follow through.

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As promised by the title of the blog post there is a Tommie Copper winner for the compression tights. In total there were 62 entries and I used Random.org to select the winner…

Thea over at Its Me Vs. Me is the lucky winner.

(karma is awesome)