I don’t spend too much time blogging about my training for races nor do I spend too much time writing about the “hum drum” of my everyday ordinary life (though it is far from ordinary considering). This blog is much more woven with words of emotional work I do to change my life rather than the physical work I do to change my life.
And to be honest, I don’t know which one is more difficult.
What I do know though, is that without the work of one there would not be the work of the other. I couldn’t push my body as physically hard as I do if I didn’t set the emotional foundation needed to believe that I am strong enough and more importantly that I deserve to push my body beyond the boundaries I set against myself for so long. The same can be said for the emotional work that I push myself through. I couldn’t do it if I didn’t set the necessary physical foundation to know that I am strong enough to deal with even the darkest of days and many times it is through physical strength that I find the ability to express my emotional strength.
I have a hard time believing in myself even today.
There are a few words I never truly imagined I would be able to call myself when I decided to stand up and take control of my life. It happens to all of us as we begin this journey of weight loss. We start by working out at the gym, or walking around the block more and we compare ourselves to those we wish to be. I remember going to the gym early on in my weight loss and watching one particular runner. Every morning she was there on her treadmill and I would always hop on the one behind her because she was everything I wanted to be: Fit, Fast and looking like her running was a run in the freaking park on a sunny day with the birds chirping in her ear while bunnies hopped next to her and deer pranced along side (she looked that comfortable). I would look at her pace and think “I’ll never run an 8 minute mile” and then look at my pace and think “Fuck this 13 minute mile feels like I’m going to hurl”
I don’t run a 13 minute mile anymore.
I don’t wish I was her anymore.
I am her.
When I put that first 5k sticker on my car I could only dream about the 26.2. I never thought I would call myself a marathoner. Then I added a 10k sticker, still not believing in myself and my ability to chase after the 26.2. Then I got really good at running half marathons and right along the 5k and the 10k sticker went my beautiful 13.1 sticker…even when I had my sights set on my first marathon I didn’t believe that I could but I worked hard for it. For hours alone, I ran. Thinking about what it was going to be like to cross over that finish line and then lovingly place that sticker on my car. A badge of honor for other people to see and maybe dream like I once did. I cried so much while out there on my own because in the end you can have all the support in the world cheering you on but the only person that is going to get you from mile zero to mile twenty-six is you.
More times than not I had to have “The Talk” with myself to keep going;
“You want this more than anything right now Tara.”
“You deserve this.”
“You keep moving.”
“You are okay and you will finish”
Then when I finished the first one, I pushed the boundaries even more and completed two more a short time later. Pushing the physical boundaries means I am pushing my emotional boundaries and when I’m doing both I am becoming a better me. A stronger me. I never thought I would become a marathoner but I did because even though I didn’t believe at the time I continued to push until it was a reality.
Being able to call myself an Iron(wo)man is one of those things I still don’t believe and yet I am 3 months away from stepping up to the starting line and doing everything in my power to cross the finish line. Training is supposed to officially start April 1st, but this week I’ve started following what will become my “normal” schedule for the next couple of months, and in addition to the new schedule I’ve continued to go to boot camp, so this first week of transition has been a wallop. I’m more sore than I’m used too and tired is taking on a whole new level (though that may be a diet issue more than anything else). I’m finding myself wondering what I’m getting myself into and whether or not I’ll actually be able to finish. Drills in the pool leave me feeling like I’m floundering, riding for an hour and having legs tire out leave me wondering how I would continue for another two and then of course it all comes with the “and you want me to run 13 miles after all this” freak out that I’ve been having every day this week.
But here’s a little secret:
I’m also having “The Talk” with myself as I’m swimming, riding, or running. Just like the 5k, 10k, 13.1 and 26.2 stickers I’ve worked so hard to achieve I deserve this 70.3 more than anything and I will keep moving at all costs. As I’m swimming I think about what it will be like to stand among all the other athletes, regardless of our abilities and hear that gun go off. To know that as soon as I start, everything I’ve wondered about myself is about to become a reality. As I’m biking indoors (waiting for Spring to arrive) I close my eyes and think about what it’s going to be like to ride for 56 miles in Mont Tremblant. The beautiful scenery and the cheering crowds. When I feel my legs get tired I just remind myself that this is what I deserve. To push the boundaries that I held against myself for so long. When I’m running I imagine seeing that finish line in front of me. Just thinking about it makes me choke up (even blogging about it). To know that all the physical and emotional work these last few months three years has brought me to the very moment I never believed possible.
70.3
So this week I am tired. My muscles are sore. I need to look at the foods that I’m eating and think about changing my food foundation up for what I’m asking my body to do. I’m crying while I’m swimming (and making it hard to see out of my goggles), I’m crying while I’m biking (but it just looks like sweat) and as expected, crying while I’m running because while I am pushing those physical boundaries I continue to push the emotional boundaries as well.
Mont Tremblant, I am coming for you.
Be ready.
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