Normally I peruse the interwebs for some kind of picture to put at the beginning of every post. Don’t ask why cause I don’t know. I guess I feel like it makes the post more readable or breaks up the monotony of thousands of words coming together and sometimes causing your eyes to go cross eyed trying to make sense of what I’m writing (saying, meaning, feeling, expressing)…
Today I have nothing.
Everything feels jumbled. This new job. The new schedules (both work and Half Ironman). I’m trying to keep calm (and carry on) but more often than not every once in a while I feel like everything is bubbling over and I don’t have enough paper towels to clean up the mess. I feel like it’s not appropriate for me to complain because I’m so extremely grateful to be earning a paycheck. In fact just today I received my very first electronic copy of what amounts to my very first Canadian paycheck and while it’s much less that what I’m used to making I am beyond thankful for every single penny (or I guess it would be nickel since they’re doing away with the little copper coin).
I miss Mimi.
It’s been harder on my emotional “get up and go” when that “get up and go” only includes seeing her a few moments in the morning and a few moments in the evening. There are a lot of things I was taking for granted (like going to the farmers market on Saturday for landjaeger and Sundays at my in-laws) that I’m missing more than I thought I would. The longer training days (thankfully happening in the middle of the week) are physically demanding and a little intimidating because I’m out there on my own for the most part. Marathon training was much different this time last year. Getting up and running for upwards of 4 + hours just seemed easier knowing Mimi would be at the end of the run or ready to pick me up if I ran out of gas in my legs.
Yesterday I set out to go on one of the longest rides I’ve ever been on with Peppermint Patty. Last week I hit 22 miles and it was tough. I pushed it yesterday going a total of 37 miles in about 3 hours. I started out and felt pretty good even though I had no idea what I was riding towards. I planned the route but hadn’t yet ever been out that way. All I know is it followed the Ocean and you can’t go wrong if you have the Ocean to look at…
right?
Here’s the deal; it was windy…like windy as all get out. Wind = slow going. Add to that the multitude of hills (and by multitude I mean “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me with this hill shit!”) and it makes for one hell of a hard ride. I planned better than I usually do. Food. Water. Buff and gloves to cut the cold. I didn’t wear the right shoes and that was my big downfall. Not too long after I started out my toes fell asleep and because of the wind factor it was extremely painful to get through the entire ride. So much so that I had to stop a few times and walk around to get the blood flowing to my toes again. I can still feel where it was the most painful so I’m pretty sure I got a tinge of frostbite on my little piggies.
But I got through it…
All 37 miles.
The only problem now is that I’m hyper focused on the fact that there will be a 1.2 mile swim before the ride, an additional 20ish miles (and another 90 minutes in addition to at least 3 hours) and then a half marathon run…
(don’t freak out, don’t freak out, don’t freak out)
When I got home, I missed having Mimi there waiting for me. That ever important hug and “it’s going to be okay” does more for my spirit than I guess I understood. My spirit is a little beaten up right now and I felt it as I headed to the gym for what was supposed to be my other long training day. 9 mile run and 1 mile swim…
I made it to mile 5.5 and left.
I just didn’t have it in me to get through another 3.5 miles then swim for 1600 meters. What I wanted more than anything was to be home. Do the dishes, throw in a load of laundry and grab a cup of coffee from the local bakery. All I kept thinking about on the treadmill was yesterday’s ride and how much physical work there is during that 70.3. How the hills were hard and how my toes were so painfully cold it scared me. I’ve never not been able to get through a few miles without having to walk but at mile two this morning I hit a wall and no matter how much I fought back it was not going to give and I was not going to fight it.
I wanted these last few days to feel strong. To feel closer to being ready than farther than I imagined. I know I can do all three events separately. How I’m supposed to bring them all together to add up to earning that Half Ironman title is still beyond me. I’m hoping next week’s long training days go a little better…
59 days to go.
You are going to be okay. We both are.
I have more belief in you than you even understand. Your training is getting rolling (ha!) and you will have days that feel tougher than others. If there’s anything in my heart that I know to be true it’s that if you want this (and I know you do) you will do it. And when it comes to that final finish line, you know I’ll be there at the end waiting for you.
#LAWN
Friend, you’ve got this.
This may be your first half marathon but it’s not your first rodeo. This event, like running a marathon, is about mental training at least as much as it is about the physical training. You’ve got a lot on your mental plate right now….different things than you had before. That’s bound to throw anyone for a loop. The good news is that you’ve got 59 days to figure it all out so you can get yourself to the mental place you need to be in to kick some serious Ironman half.
Don’t let the last couple of days freak you out. This is supposed to be hard. If it weren’t, then what would be the fun and the challenge in that? You wanted to test yourself and well…you’re in the middle of it now. And you know what? You never would have signed up for it in the first place if, deep down inside there wasn’t that little voice, that little part of you that knew you could do it.
You just have to quiet yourself and find that little voice again.
You can do it. I know it. Everyone else reading this blog knows it. And even YOU know it…you’ve just temporarily forgotten.
You can do this.
You = amazing. I’m looking at my training schedule for just a sprint tri this summer and I’m overwhelmed. Taking on 70.3 is commendable and I’m so impressed. Adding into that a new job and you have every right to feel jumbled.
((((TARA))))
Training is hard because we are challenging ourselves mentally and physically to do more, go further, and push harder than we ever had to before.
The mental aspect of training & racing can be harder than breaking through the physical barriers. You have got a lot on your plate right now, your life is going through a transition…changing your daily routine, learning a new job, pushing yourself physically…its tiring!
You are awesome at listening to your body and doing what is necessary, the fact that you had to cut a training session short just means your body needs to heal…your heart, mind & muscles need time to refocus.
Keep taking time to reflect, make sure you are getting what you need…and go out there and kick some Iron Man patootie! 🙂
You will be okay. Just more changes in your “life changing journey.” No one says they have to be easy or fun. They will make you grow and be the best for everyone involved.
((((Tara))))
You will KICK ASS. You are fucking amazing and inspirational, don’t ever forget that.
Hey, likely biking under those conditions was more like 50 rather than 37, so give yourself a high 5. Remember, though there will be hills (um, it’s at Tremblant, right? um, that’s mountains, not so scare you, but Quebec mountains are tiny – I know I grew up around them). Right back to my thought – there will be hills, but it won’t be FREEZING when you’re biking and likely you won’t have ocean “breezes” buffeting you around either. The Laurentians are definitely land-locked!
Give yourself a hug….you plugged away and rode hard, and you finished. You ran…..now you can rant all you want. Get back to it, because you are a superstar!
Change your focus. Even your language sounds like it’s taking alot of effort. Focus on what you want instead of the effort of achieving it. Use more empowering language instead of “it’s hard and it takes alot of effort… it’s a long ride etc”. The quality of our communication with ourselves and others determines the results we get in our lives. Something to be aware of and I thought I’d bring it to your attention. We want to see you achieve so you can share your success with us on here!
Just because you *finally* have a job, doesn’t mean things can’t be hard, and it certainly doesn’t mean you should be honest and open about it here. One thing I love about you and your journey is that you don’t hide the hard stuff. I know you’ll figure out the right balance eventually, and in the meantime, don’t worry about keeping ALL the balls up in the air…just the most important ones. Mimi. Job. Training. Self-care. Love you & lots of hugs.
Very well done so inspirational