And Exhale….

The last couple of weeks has been a bumpy ride.

And by bumpy I mean it’s sucked to be in my body.

My Brain.

And by bumpy I mean it’s sucked to be the loved one of someone riding out this bumpy ride.

(and exhale)

Living with depression is no different than living with an addiction. I’ve been clean from my drug of choice for almost 24 years. 24 years is a long time to be clean and most people would just assume that calling myself an addict is unnecessary…

I am an addict.

While the drugs may not be coursing through my body and I’m not bound by the chains of addiction any longer, anyone who has walked through the doors of being any kind of addict (alcohol/food/sex/drugs/gambling) will tell you, you’re only a few bad choices away from walking right back through those doors and the next time you might not be so lucky.

I’ve had close friends make those few bad choices. Thinking this one time will be okay because they had their addiction under control. Yet many of them find themselves a) right back where they thought they wouldn’t end up or b) dead.

Living with depression is the same thing. You can be “cured” of depression through medication. You can be “cured” through therapy. You can be “cured” through proper exercise/food/movement. But let’s be totally honest here: depression is always lurking. It’s waiting to sink it’s claws into us. Silently in the corner just waiting for those few choices that start to bring the dark clouds over us again.

Maybe it’s not moving as much.

Maybe it’s eating more sugar than what we normally eat.

Maybe it’s not sleeping enough.

Maybe it’s the change in the seasons.

Maybe it’s reading a book that triggers emotions you weren’t (I wasn’t) expecting.

Maybe it’s not making the bed like you (I) normally do.

Maybe it’s spending too much time on the phone.

Maybe it’s having to deal with a new job.

Maybe it’s going home for 2 weeks and trying to figure out if home is still there.

Maybe it’s all of these things and before you (I) know it, the clouds are dark, the walls are closing in and Depression is rubbing it’s palms together at the excitement of enveloping you (me) and choking the life out of you (me) so much so that you (I) can barely get out of bed.

I’ve been in a dark place the last couple of weeks. It’s nothing I’m not familiar with. It happens, and just like I never forget that I’m an addict, I never forget that Depression lives inside of me and my daily choices will either a) lead me down a path of self destruction (self deprecation/self loathing/self hatred) or b) lead me down a path of self care (Loving myself/being Involved with myself/ having Faith in myself and Evolving). I thought “oh it’s okay I’m not breaking a sweat right now” “It’s okay I’m not really paying attention to my food too much” “No this book I’m reading isn’t bringing up any ‘stuff’ for me” “No I’m not feeling lost after seeing my niece get married and leaving Washington state” “no really I’m okay...“

But I wasn’t. I was pushing everything under the carpet hoping it would get better. I was ignoring the tell tale signs of how my depression manifests itself. I’m not 100% back to kicking ass/taking names but I’m recognizing that the direction I was moving was not okay and slowly turning around.

• I’ve moved a little more.
• I’ve made better food choices.
• I’ve tried to get a little more sleep.
• I’ve finished the book and recognized that it triggered me.
• I’m making my bed (which is the first sign that something is off).
• I’m staying off my phone more.
• I’m trying to shake that lost feeling and plant my feet firmly.

So here I am. Just exhaling and hoping that it won’t take me too much to get back into the swing of things but not really sure what that swing looks like at the moment. I’m not going balls to the walls with moving/running/training or hyper focused on food right now. I’m okay with that (and I mean I’m really okay with that). Sometimes you have to put aside all the chaos of losing weight and maintaining the weight loss and just be.

Just be.

Just exhale and be.