Why are we so fearful of taking control of our lives?
Why do we allow the choices of our past to dictate the drive of our future?
As I begin this new portion of my own Life Changing Journey with the life coaching, I hear an underlying “theme” (one that I played in my own head for so many years). No matter how many times someone has tried to change somewhere down the line, old behaviors creep back in and before you know it all the movement forward has reverted into moving backwards and along the way some extra weight has tagged along for the ride.
The fear of change is detrimental.
The understanding that you have the power and do nothing with it is also as detrimental. We allow “excuses” to determine our actions. We allow what feels like past mistakes to drive our emotional choices. We’re afraid to stand up and say to world “my life is worth saving” because most of the time do we not believe we’re worth it but we don’t think we have the ability to save ourselves.
I talk with a lot of people that are afraid of the actions of others when they want to make the necessary changes in their lives to eat well, to live well, to move the body the way it was designed to be moved and for maybe the first time (or the 100th) to really make a commitment to the one person that has the power to change: Themselves.
It’s never easy putting yourself first.
Want to know what not putting myself first got me?
Depression.
Anxiety.
Obesity.
It got me feeling angry at a world I thought hated me. It got me looking in the mirror and seeing so much disdain for what I saw that I chose to comfort myself with disgusting foods bought from an industry that didn’t give two shits about me. Driving in and out of fast food drive thru(s) too embarrassed to even leave my car when eating. It got me hiding spoons in the bathroom so that I could make myself vomit hoping the pain of the retching would ease the pain in my mind as I continued to fester in my own thoughts of inadequacies. It got me eating quantities of food well beyond my comfort level because I thought I deserved to be morbidly obese. That I deserved to sit on the couch and dream about moving instead of actually do it. That I deserved the life I had been given because I didn’t have the power (nor the courage) to change.
For 40 years I never put myself first. I never cared enough about myself to think I was worth saving. I relied on the love of other people to validate me even when I didn’t want to be in a relationship any longer. I was afraid to stand up not only to those in my life but to myself.
Change is scary. You have no idea where the road is going to lead you. I had no idea that a year after I started taking control of my life, my relationship with Mitch would end. I had no idea that running marathons or lifting heavy weights would become a priority in my life. I had no idea that gender variance would begin to play a major role in my journey. I had no idea I would be coaching other people as they begin to understand that they too are worth saving…
Yes, it’s scary. But it’s necessary. IT’S NECESSARY! Without it we’re destined to stay in the exact same spot and never see our potential. If I hadn’t begun to make the changes, put myself first and believe that I was worth saving I wouldn’t have this blog, I wouldn’t be with Meegan, I wouldn’t be 2 years post weight loss and helping others see that they absolutely have the ability to stand up, take control and move forward…
Change may be scary.
Not changing is worse.
It’s funny how the scary things really do boil down the necessary things. The more we challenge our comfort zones the more we uncover who we are. I’m grateful every day that we both went for the scary and found each other in the process.
I feel like I can’t put myself first. I have a 2.5 year old, and a 3 month old. They rule my life. They aren’t in daycare. The only time I have to myself without them is when I’m teaching (my mom watches them). Otherwise, I’m with them. It’s too cold to take them outside to walk/run (my older son would be ok, but it’s too cold for the baby, even with bundling him up), so that’s out. I can’t afford a gym right now. I try to work out at home, but the older kid ends up climbing all over me while I try to do yoga. The only activity that I can get away with is dancing with him. Which is great, but it’s not nearly what I need. My husband gets home around 7, we have dinner, I grade/prep for classes and then we’re all in bed by 11. The baby gets up around 5:30, and if I try to get up any earlier than that to exercise, I’m just exhausted because I’m not getting enough sleep.
Saturday mornings, I go to Weight Watchers, then yoga class. I feel wonderful after that. For a while, anyway. And then I’m back to the changing diapers, cleaning barf, feeding, and just being MOM.
I love my kids. I really, really do. And I know that they won’t need me this much forever. I know that there will come a day when I’ll have more time for myself. But right now? I feel trapped. Stunted. And there are days when that drives me crazy.
I’m 37 years old. I’ve been overweight my entire adult life. I want to know what it’s like to be healthy.
Sorry for venting.
The more I read your blog, the more I realize there is no way you could NOT have chosen to help others. It’s the fact that you say you don’t know it all, the fact that you are still discovering yourself that will help people but it’s more than that. I’ve seen people who have lost over 100lbs and they are definitely an inspiration to me but it just seems to come more natural and from a deeper place from you. Hell, you’ve helped me! Everyone’s weight loss amount and mental state are different and although I have never gotten to those dark places, I’m trying to change who I am because I just wasn’t happy and couldn’t handle staying the same. There was no other option. At times when I’ve been out running, I have thought about you when you first started running and how hard that must have been, then I think about where you where you are now and it gives me so much motivation. There was a quote I read that I’ve repeated many times in my head “Can your legs move? Yes. Are you breathing? Yes. Then keep going”. You are going to do wonders in the lives of your clients.
“Change may be scary.
Not changing is worse.”
This reminded me of what I said to myself yesterday on the way back to work after my workout. “Being the fat girl in the gym sucks, but being the fat girl on the couch sucked more.” At 36 years old, I walked into a weightloss center/gym and asked for help to change my life 2 weeks ago. I was mortified, but I got through it. Now I work with a personal trainer 3 mornings a week before I go to work. I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I LOOK FORWARD to my workouts. They’re hard and sweaty, but I’ve gone 6 times and haven’t died, so I guess I’ll keep going. I weigh 3-times as much as some of the clients, but they are all polite, so I’m getting over that. The more I care about not dropping a kettlebell on my foot because my hands are sweating, the less I care about who’s looking at me.
Thank you so much for your honesty and inspiration!
Incredible post that spoke to me incredibly loudly. It’s one thing to lose the weight, another thing entirely to keep it off and not go back to old patterns. Change definitely is hard and I really want to thank you for writing about this. I am frequently trying to remind myself that all of this does not happen overnight, but it DOES happen with hard work.
So very true and inspiring