Change is good…right?

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Deep breath…

and another…

And how about one more for shits and giggles.

Okay, let’s get this post started.

Life has been crazy…You only have to look at the lack of posts to see that the time I spend blogging has dwindled down to almost non-existent. In between working full time nights at Costco to rushing home to fall into bed before midnight to getting up at 6a to make sure Mimi and I get to break a sweat before taking her to work then rushing home again to spend a few hours preparing for my day (think mostly making sure I eat breakfast and lay down with Old Man Chester for an hour with enough time to pack my lunch/shower/and do any food prep for dinner for Mimi/laundry/shopping BLAH BLAH BLAH) there has literally been no motivation to think about putting my thoughts down.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m constantly in my head. But I think for the past 6-8 months the thought of sitting down in front of my computer has been mentally exhausting because I’ve been so physically exhausted and didn’t really even know it.

That all changed this last week and for once I’m actually looking forward to putting those thoughts into full length sentences and those full length sentences into a blog post even if it’s a short one.

If you’ve been following along the ever LifeChangingJourney that is me via Facebook or IG then you know that last week was my last day at Costco and while it was a difficult decision, it was one long in coming but I didn’t have the courage it took to take that leap of faith to leave. In all honesty though, it wasn’t just about a leap of faith. Working at Costco the last 18 months has been far more about fulfilling my emotional needs than my financial needs (though that twice monthly check no matter how small was a big help).

When I first moved here, I couldn’t work. I depended on Mimi for pretty much everything. To put food on the table. To put gas in my car. To put new clothes on my back. I spent a lot of time alone and by alone I mean I spent a lot of time stalking my local coffee shops for free wifi and running a shit ton while training for my first Marathon and subsequently my second and third marathon. I was lonely. I felt like a burden and to know me is to know I take my financial responsibilities very seriously.

It was a time of learning. Learning that it’s okay to rely on someone financially when the time is necessary. Most of my working life I was used to being the “money” maker in the relationship. Not the sole provider but always significantly more than my counterpart. Coming to Halifax, meant not only was I NOT the primary provider I was barely a financial provider. Of course Mimi is going to argue that I didn’t need to put money into the proverbial pot to be a contributing member to the relationship but my relationship with money is deep seeded and it took a lot to find my self worth when I couldn’t pay for something on my own.

Then after a long 15 month wait, I got my permanent residency approved and within 3 days went to work. Not as an interpreter but as a sandwich maker. Taking that job (and any job at that point) was more important than taking the time to plan my entrance back into the world of interpreting. All the loneliness felt spending hour after hour day after  day with myself was suddenly washed away. It didn’t matter that I made barely above minimum wage. I was working. I was being social. I was making friends. And it may have been small but that paycheck felt like a million dollars.

Then an amazing turn of events led me to Costco. It’s not easy to get a job in that company but I did and it was everything but glamorous. Rolling hotdogs and sticking my hands elbow deep in dirty dish water and leaky trash bags furthered my desire to return to interpreting but by that time I was so entrenched in my need to provide a little more financially that I put it on the back back back burner and turned it way down low…

But then something happened: I loved my job there. I loved everything about working at Costco. Even on days when I would leave practically in tears from exhaustion/frustration and realizing my Asperger was way more apparent than even I understood, I loved it. I loved the fast paced, the lifting of heavy things. It was like all my hard work in losing weight and getting stronger was finally being used to it’s capacity and I felt important.

And I loved my co-workers. It gave me the social satisfaction that I longed for in parallel play unlike anything I’d experienced before. Just the right about of “we’re in the same space” with the perfect amount of “I’m in my space…you’re in your space”. But that pull to return to interpreting…my one true love started to get a little hot on that back burner and the universe decided to get involved.

For the past couple of months Mimi and I started to play around with the idea of me leaving Costco. The timing before us was about as perfect as anyone could ask for. Financially speaking we were practically debt free. Mimi’s own life events of changing her career path meant that we were in a position that I *could* let go of the full time night position and begin to return to my profession even if just on a part time basis. Our opposite schedules had taken it’s toll on us. Her waiting up for me to get home and my falling out of bed a few hours later to get her to work just so we could see each other for a few moments each day was just a little more than we could handle. But making the final decision to leave my position wasn’t coming as easy as I thought.

In the end, we both knew it was time. It was time we focused on our potentials rather than what was comfortable. It was time we both let go of what we know and go towards the unknown and not just step into, but rather jump head first towards that leap of faith that we can do things that are really scary and we can be successful if we trust ourselves.

The process of change has been slow. I left my position first (last Wednesday) with Mimi following along at the end of the month. Everything about everything changes for us. It’s scary but it’s really fucking exciting too. I’m a little too involved in my own head of what if’s (what if there isn’t enough work for me? What if there won’t be enough money financially? What if I miss my job at Costco too much) but I’m taking a lot of deep breaths and slowing down as much as possible. Yes, everything is changing but it’s not changing overnight and I have time to adjust to all the small changes that eventually add up to big changes.

Right now, it’s catching up on sleep. It’s retraining myself not to cook in such large amounts because I don’t have to think about packing 10 lunches each week in addition to making sure we’re not eating the same thing day in and day out. It’s letting go of counting calories because the physical aspect of my work is changing so maybe stuffing my face with 2500 calories each day isn’t necessary but also making sure I eat since I know I can get into that “we don’t have the money, so don’t eat the calories” (oh hello there deep seeded money issues).

It’s also learning how to be around each other again. We used to hardly have any time together so it was usually jam packed trying to get all the things done before one of us had to go to work. It’s almost like learning to live with each other. Our spaces are no longer Mine and Hers but once again Ours and it’s going to take some time to figure out how to fill the free time we so desperately missed (this damn snow doesn’t help either grrrrrrrrr).

So here I am. Slowly working my way back to interpreting. Dressing up professionally, rather than wondering what food item dried on my steel toed boots from the night before. Wondering if Mimi and I will have enough to talk about during our nights together because we actually can spend THE ENTIRE DAY together. Excited about being able to go back to the West Coast more but worried about how I’m going to pay for the tickets to get there. Oh the brain never ceases to worry lol.

Here’s to letting changes happen.

(and maybe blogging more about them!)