Damn you landjaeger…

The Martin/Dowe household is down for the count.

Physically speaking.

Both of us are on the “injured” list. Meegan’s injuries are of course much more substantial (Girl + crosswalk + driver of big truck not paying attention = Big Owie) but this week I managed to throw my back out doing something so mundane it’s almost too embarrasing to speak of…

But you know I’m gonna share anyways.

Most weekends will find the two of us taking a nice long walk to the waterfront farmer’s market for veggies and what not. Mostly however it’s because we want to get our chops on some delicious landjaeger. You can usually find some in our fridge for quick snacks or to cut up when we decide that we don’t want to cook and have a picnic on the bed. I wanted that quick snack and grabbed a landjaeger which comes in two. I didn’t want two so I pulled it apart and in that quick second of snapping the pepperoni like sticks apart I felt a twinge in my back that I was all too familiar with…

I threw my back out.

This isn’t the first time it’s happened but it is the first time in a long time. I don’t know if it’s because I was just standing wrong or if because I had been working out more than my body was used too since I decided to return to boot camp in addition to beginning marathon training again last week and my body was just “weakened” by the extra work outs but that twinge has left me in a lot of pain and in that pain a lot of emotions have come up lately.

Both Meegan and I are pretty emotional right now and rightfully so.

We look longingly into each other’s eyes and wish that the other person could make everything magically go back to normal and when we can’t we feel the disappointment and frustration of almost feeling helpless. Right now being emotional is hard on us as individuals and equally (if not harder) on us as a couple.

I often wonder if the man that hit Meegan even gives a second thought to the way our lives have changed. I wonder if he lays in bed at night wondering if she is okay or if he caused some irrecoverable injuries to her body. I wonder if every time he approaches a cross walk he comes to a complete stop much sooner because the last time he wasn’t paying attention he ran someone over and that someone is my Red. I wonder if he knows that we had plans to run together, to hike together and to just enjoy life together as newlyweds and yet today we can hardly look at each other without the tears coming because of the stress caused by her long term injuries and now my short term (hopefully) back pain. I wonder if he realizes that many months after the accident Meegan would still be plagued with doctor’s appointments, the constant filling out of insurance paperwork and the long nights of not getting enough sleep because she’s in pain.

Having to deal with my own injuries makes it that much more stressful around here. Neither of us can return to the workouts that help us feel strong physically and in that physical strength uplift our emotional well being. While mine is temporary (fingers crossed) it still leaves me angsty to see people running outside as each day brings me closer to running my second Marathon in September. I want to be outside with my thoughts, my music and for just a little while not thinking about anything except getting to the top of some random hill I want to conquer.

We both feel defeated.

We hug a lot and remind ourselves that this too shall pass but to be honest I’m asking myself “what if it doesn’t”?. What if after all the doctor’s appointments, the physio therapy appointments, the massage appointments and whatever else the medical world wants her to endure to bring some recovery to her body it doesn’t pass? What if in that split second of her crossing the street and that driver not paying attention, it doesn’t pass?

Sometimes at night right before I go to bed I think about getting that phone call on November 7th. How everything we knew and planned was changed in that moment. I think about that guy a lot too. The guy that was driving the truck. He’s probably not thinking about us too much since nothing really changed in his life except his insurance premiums probably went up a little. It’s hard not getting emotionally charged up when you can’t go out and run through your feelings like I’m used too. It’s hard not getting emotionally charged up when you can’t go lift heavy shit and sweat out your feelings like Meegan is used too.

I miss hearing her laugh. We have our good moments where we forget but then a wrong move here or a wrong step there brings us back to reality. I know when I look at her she can see the sadness in my eyes just as I can see hers. We both feel guilty that the other person is having to experience not only their own pain (and undeniable feeling of being sort of lost) but in turn the pain of the other. I don’t know what’s worse; seeing her in physical pain or seeing that physical pain cause so much emotional strife for her.

We continue to shuffle through the days. Constantly asking if everything is okay knowing the answer on our lips usually doesn’t match what is being said with body language. Each of us crossing our fingers that the suffering of that split second walk across the street will some day subside, that the back pain will subside quickly and that both of us will return to doing what we love…

Laughing.