It’s been a few weeks since I decided to get rid of my Facebook & Twitter apps on my phone. I am trying to disconnect from social media as much as possible in order to re-connect with myself and my environment.
It hasn’t been as easy as I was hoping and in all honesty it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that even after removing the apps from my phone I’m still trying to find ways of checking “in” when really what I want is to be doing is checking “out”.
It’s hard to find a balance of what works for me in understanding what my own definition of what “balance” means. I keep wondering if people have RT(ed), DM(ed) or IM(ed) me in anyway. I wonder how many likes I’ve gotten on my LifeChangingJourney Page or picture I’ve posted to Instagram.
What I’m looking for is validation and distraction all in one swoop of a moment (or 10…). Validation that what I say and do are important. The calorie burned, the miles ran, the food cooked all being carefully watched for by someone out there in social media land waiting to validate me. The minutes spent at the laptop mindlessly looking at Facebook while I throw some words down into a blog post / book page are really a way of distracting myself from the constant barrage of thoughts going through my head:
“Why do you keep blogging? You’re not the latest and greatest in weight loss blogs any longer“
“You still don’t have a job and you’re a burden“
“All those dreams of being someone big out there are never going to come true“
“What’s 5 minutes (10…25…60) on Facebook when you spend so much time alone during the day anyways”
“People are going to forget you”
“You are nothing”
I was writing a portion of the book yesterday and I was retelling about my addiction to electronics and especially World of Warcraft. There is a lot of similarities in the years I played WoW and how much time I spend interacting with the “media that is social” today. When I was playing WoW I didn’t have to be an active participant in my surroundings because my “life” was being played out on some MMORPG platform. I had friends (and enemies) that I interacted with on a daily basis. I didn’t have to worry that my physical and verbal “ticks” would surprise someone or that my inability to pick up social cues would make me look awkward. I could sit (and grow) in my chair and as long as my character continued to level up then no one would “judge” the real ME.
Sometimes I think Facebook / Twitter and Instagram are doing the same thing for me today that WoW did for the old Tara back in the days. It’s providing me a social outlet because maybe I don’t want to be a participant in my own environment or just feel like it’s easier to do it with a phone in my hand and the world shut out around me.
Some of my closest friends are the one’s I talk to on WoW Facebook. Some of the most intense conversations I have are on WoW Twitter. Some of my most awesome accomplishments are captured via WoW Instagram.
See the pattern?
Being disconnected forces me to reconnect with myself. It forces me to sit with thoughts that are uncomfortable and know that 99% of the time the thoughts are without merit. I tell myself that I look at social media because I’m bored but the truth is I look at social media because it’s how I get my “social” fix. I’m still trying to figure out how to be Tara in the real life and not one lived behind a laptop / phone app / status update or filtered picture.
Mimi asked me last night how long this “break” from social media might last. I don’t know how to answer that because at the same time that I feel angst in bringing my “world” in a little closer to me, I feel a sense of calm that my world isn’t “out there” for everyone to see because I’m not “updating” my life every 10 minutes. The angst of “I’m going to miss out on some review/giveaway/ambassador” opportunity or some “important” conversation that I just have to be a part of sits side by side with the comfort of knowing that my life is okay not scrolling past me at 200 tweets per minute, or not being measured by how many “likes” a status update is getting.
I’m still trying to find some balance to this whole equation. I know I won’t give it up completely because it still connects me with people I care about and truth be told I’ve met some of the most amazing people in real life by first stalking meeting them on some social networking platform. But that being said, I think this ‘break’ is here for the long haul. It’s been a real lesson in not so much cutting the umbilical cord to my phone, social media and the outside world…
But rather plugging back into the world that surrounds me in the here and now.