I often imagine this is what my emotional (not so) well being looked like before I began this Life Changing Journey of mine. An entire emotional “house” so chaotic I never knew where to start and always felt like it was going to be too much to deal with that I just never started.
Oh I mean I “sort of” started countless times.
I might have “cleaned out a corner of a room” and looked at it with pride, with my hands planted firmly on my hips and proclaimed “I will never let this corner get messy again”. I promised myself to stay in the moment and to let go of the past. I made a commitment to not feel guilty about previous attempts at cleaning up those boxes stuffed full of “the past”. I made a commitment to not let stacks of resentment and anger pile up in the corner next to the stacks of shame and self deprecation.
But that little corner of “This time is going to be different” never really lasted too long and many times never came to fruition because I always looked at the entire “house” and was too afraid of the (emotional) time it would take me to clean up almost 40 years of clutter. Not too long after the (umpteenth) declaration I was back to old behaviors and back to filling that once clean corner with the stacks of resentment/anger right along side with the stacks of shame/self deprecation.
I can’t tell you how many times I looked at my emotional (not so) well being and hung my head in defeat before I could even get started. Where do you start when you weigh 270 pounds, are addicted to video games, have chronic depression and all the social anxieties that come with Asperger’s?
If I had known the answer when I first started this journey it would have been a whole hell of a lot easier.
What I did know is how to clean out just a corner. I knew how to look at it and proclaim my commitment. The difference this time around is I refused to let the emotions of “now/then” keep me from moving forward. When I took that proverbial stack of self-deprecation and committed to throwing it out (again), I told myself that no matter how badly I wanted to hate myself I had to remember that I deserved to keep going. That the emotions of Now are because of the emotions of Then. Yes, I hated that I weighed 270 pounds. I hated that I was addicted to video games and food. I hated that I felt like Bulimia was “normal”. When I resorted to the hateful thoughts, I continued to remind myself that I was worthy of love and that love must start from within.
The stacks of shame were piling up because I believed I was destined to be a failure and that no matter how hard I tried I would always fulfill that prophecy of being a failure. Yes I hated that I had tried numerous times to lose weight and each time the weight came back with a vengeance. I hated that I didn’t know how to have a conversation with someone unless I was in the middle of World of Warcraft or at work. I hated that at 40 years old I allowed my life to be so meaningless to me that I was willing to live out the rest of my days shrouded in a cloud of depression. When I restored to feeling shame, I continued to remind myself that the choices of my past no longer dictate what happens in my future.
When I wanted to fill that clean corner with old behaviors I stopped myself. I reminded myself that no matter how much “easier” it might feel to just chuck garbage into the corner and let it rot, it was better to deal with whatever was happening and let it go. As the months went by I stopped focusing on how much emotional work it was going to take for me to “clean the entire house” and focused on another corner…
Eventually 4 corners cleaned a room.
Multiple rooms cleaned one floor of the house.
And multiple floors finally cleaned my house.
There are still many days in which I feel the stacks wanting to pile up in the corners. I think to myself “oh this is just one bad thought” or “one not so good food choice” or “I’ve only been on the computer for a few hours today” and I convince myself that I can put “cleaning” off until things get really messy.
But that doesn’t work anymore.
The way to keep my emotional (so very) well being is to deal with shit as it happens. To feel the emotions and move on. Cry, stomp, yell, laugh, spit, swear, and scream my way through whatever is in front of me. The past doesn’t have a place in my life anymore and if I don’t deal with shit as it happens then it too becomes a part of the clutter that got me to where I didn’t want to be back in 2009. I am constantly cleaning house, putting things where they belong and getting rid of things that take up space and don’t help me grow in any way, shape or form.
People who hold on to emotional garbage can only live in garbage filled houses.
And that’s not any way to live.
Maybe it’s time you started cleaning up your own emotional (not so) well being stacks of (insert whatever you want here). Stop focusing on all the rooms on all the floors of your big old house. Clean that corner and then tape it off so you remember to keep it clean. Every time you want to put something there because you just don’t want to deal with it, remind yourself that you deserve to move forward and chase after everything you ever wanted…
It can only happen if you have a clear path in front of you.
And the path starts with the corner.